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Friday, February 15, 2008
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A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:
Say you are bicurious and declare your inner most thoughts
to your boyfriend, who is now more than willing to help you
in your quest. So willing, in fact, that he now has a woman
lined up for the two of you to play with. But now you are
worried that he might like her more or in a different way.
Do you go through with the threesome? That is the exact
conundrum facing one of our readers today. Everyone write
in with advice and insight!
That's not all! I included a smattering of responses to our
Fighting Part I article this week. The missives really vary
in advice, and I appreciate that we can help each other with
so many different perspectives! I will throw in my two cents
next week in Fighting Part II.
*
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*
Today's Topic: Reader Comments
Carmen,
I happened to notice a common thread with the responses you
posted in the newsletter... it seemed that men referred to a
sexually confident woman in terms of not being the type to
bring home to mom, or considered for a lasting relationship.
Guys, that's the idea! We don't want to meet your mom and we
don't want the work & headache of a successful relationship.
Between the chores, the kids, work and friends a lot of us
just don't want more responsibility. We want one selfish,
exquisite act that doesn't lead to heartache or more items
to add to the list.
Now I'm not saying that a man who is looking for a long term
relationship shouldn't be scrutinizing potential women because
he should... we all should scrutinize the hell out of a per-
son that we are considering for a long term monogamous
relationship/marriage, but... the guys that would have sex
with someone without already knowing her relationship intent-
ions, I don't believe are really looking for long term in my
book. Keep up the good work Carmen!
Dear Carmen,
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now (known
him for almost 4). We've finally gotten to the point in our
relationship where we really care about each other a great
deal. I'm bi-curious and he's completely ok with that. In
fact he's hoping we can play with another girl together. I
started looking for a "girlfriend" and only came across other
couples who are looking for a girl. We talked about it and
he would be ok with me playing without him (I have met some
couples on my own but not sure I'd do it).
Well, in his search of our "girlfriend" a girl contacted him.
She's only looking for a playmate and not a relationship.
Being the good man that he is, he told her that's great but
that he does have a girlfriend and wondered if she'd play
with both. She's never played with a girl before and may be
willing to try. He asked me if I was ok with him meeting her
and I am. He made it clear that he doesn't want something
like this to cause him to lose me but there is still a part
of me that worries he may connect with her on a different
level and he may want her instead of me. For me having fun
with other people is completely different than how I feel for
my guy. I just wonder if there are any other couples out there
that have gone through this and managed (or not) to continue
as a couple. Maybe you or someone has some advice.
Dear Carmen,
My girlfriend and I kept different working schedules. I was
the early bird and I would go to work early. My girlfriend
would come to bed with me, sometime make love sometimes not.
She always went to bed with me, I would cuddle up to her and
when I went to sleep she would get up and do what ever she
had to do until it was her bed time. I am one that does not
like to sleep alone. But always she was there when I went to
sleep and she was there next t me when I woke up. It worked
out perfectly for the both of us.
Carmen,
I think the best way to handle this is to discuss it at a
time when the wife is feeling good and the relationship is in
a good place. The husband can bring up that he notices they
have the same argument about the same time every month and he
would like, for both their sakes, to discuss it and see if
they can figure out a way to resolve it. I don't think bring-
ing up all the things he does is a good idea, but simply say
he doesn't want to fight and is looking for a solution with
her. And maybe, he oughta keep track of her cycle and come to
bed early on the PMS nights. :)
Carmen,
It's a power struggle for her. She's already got him trained
to do everything during relax time in the evenings, but she
can't seem to train him to submit to concurrent bedtimes. Be-
lieve me, this makes her nuts during the rest of the month,
too, she just gets angry enough to blow up at "that" time. He
will never make her completely happy. If he were to somehow
adjust his natural circadian rhythm to match hers, she'll just
come up with the next issue to conquer.
carmen,
i am a guy who used to be accused of caring for only myself
fairly regularly. it hurt me to do it, but what i did was
stop doing all the little things. phones, dogs, different
channels, other people, meals, cleaning, she did most of it.
i stopped washing/brushing her hair, verbally and physically
complimenting her. i will never forget how much it hurt me to
do it. when she confronted me about not doing any of the things
i used to, i simply told her how hurt and upset i was at the
fact that with me doing all this stuff, she would accuse me
of only caring for myself; and it had to stop.
Carmen,
I have been there. I am a 45 year old female. Almost 2 years
ago I was diagnosed as being BiPolar. I had mood swings all
the time, but the week before my period I was a psycho hose-
beast...like a two headed monster. I can't work now, but when
I did, I had a "victim" every month. I only realize this
after a lot of reflection and medication, and therapy. I guess
what I'm saying is, she should see her doctor and take her
husband with her if he will go. A good doctor will get to the
bottom of this with meds or therapy or both. Love the column!
Carmen,
My husband and I have the same thing. I can usually tell I'm
about to start when I feel like that. As for how to approach
her about it, I honestly don't have a great answer. My hus-
band usually knows what it means and just steers clear for a
few days, knowing that anything I say will be a result of
hormones, not logical thinking. It also helps that I can
tell when it's coming and try to keep my mouth shut on a lot
of things that I feel. If it's still in my head after those
seven days, then we will talk about it. Always better to have
a conversation when both parties are feeling like themselves.
What I really want to give my advice on is the bedtime issue.
For a brief amount of time, my husband and I had two com-
pletely different schedules. He would work in the mornings,
and I did night shift. We never went to bed at the same time.
But at night, I would always go lay down with him until he was
asleep. It helped him fall asleep faster to know that I was
in the bed next to him. It made me feel better knowing that
I am helping him get a better night sleep. Once he was tucked
away, I would slip quietly out the door and read books until
I was ready for bed. I suggest that the gentleman try this.
Don't lie to her and say you are going to go to sleep but let
her know that you want her to be comfortable before she sleeps.
Let her know that you will be there for as long as it takes for
her to fall asleep. Once you feel comfortable, you can finish
your evening as you wish until your bedtime. This may not work
as well if the other person is a really light sleeper as the
shaking of the bed as you leave may awaken them. But talk
with your partner and find something that the two of you can
agree on.
*
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*
That's a wrap, folks! Who had some yummy Vday sex? Show of
hands - who gave or received ORAL sex? You naughties, you!
If you didn't indulge on Cupid's fave day, get it on this
weekend! And that's a Carmen order. Stay tuned for next week
when we will also discuss handcuffs and scarves. Yeah, you
know you are interested. As always, I remain...
Devotedly yours,
Carmen Sutra
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