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Friday, March 14, 2008
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A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:
Hmm...Food for thought: Are women in different cultures and
countries different in bed? Are some more self-conscious than
others? Are some freer in the boudoir? That's a question posed
to us today by an Icelandic female reader. What say you? I know
we have tons of international Great SEX fans out there! In
addition, lots of you shared feedback on the ideal length of
intercourse, and one reader pointed out an interesting trend
in fighting patterns. Let's discuss...
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Today's Topic: Reader Comments
carmen,
i have read all the points you presented in today's issue
(wed, 3-12-08). when my girl and i fight, i do get really
'heated'. i have had problems with not being able to hold my
anger in in the past, and when i feel myself "getting too hot"
i try to take a while and smoke a cigarette, go for a walk -
anything to calm down. my problem is, she is just the opposite,
wanting to get the problem solved right away, and the majority
of the time this only upsets me even more. i have even been
accused of "ignoring" and "running away from" our problems.
And (even though she is one of the accusers) that makes her
feel that i think our relationship isn't worth solving our
problems. what should i do?
[I'm so glad you asked this question because many couples
have different arguing preferences, exactly as you described.
Interestingly enough, many men find the need to cool off
while many women like to talk things through on the spot.
It's really good, though, that you recognize when you are
"getting too hot." Please share this with your partner:
According to marriage and family research, when a person
experiences this state called "flooding" their heart rate
reaches such that you can no longer hear your partner's
true message. Thus, the argument will become much worse and
potentially create more problems. Please explain to her that
you need time to cool off to properly listen to and respect
her. Show her this if she doubts you!]
Carmen,
I LOVE YOUR COLUMN. You are such an inspiration to me. As for
choosing between Spitting or Swallowing, as a man it doesn't
really matter all that much to me. I mean, I LOVE IT when she
Swallows, but I don't mind her Spitting. I'm just ECSTATIC
that I'm getting pleasure from someone that I care about. As
for me, I SWALLOW her LOVE JUICES because its JUST SO SWEET!!!
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, I LOOK FORWARD TO READING YOUR COLUMN.
Carmen,
MY wife and I have been together for 19 years and married for
almost 16 of them. When she does get in the mood to initiate
oral sex, I am an oh so willing partner to receive...She can
tell when I am getting close to coming, and finished me off
manually (handjob), and has only taken it orally on two
occasions, and both of them involved us being a little drunk.
Although I am more than willing to initiate oral sex on her,
without so much as a complaint, (I love going down on her) I
would love for her to orally finish the job just once,
whether she swallowed (which I know wouldn't happen) or just
spit it out...She tells me she doesn't do it that often so
that i won't expect it all the time, and then when she does,
it's something special. So when she does, I just lie back and
let things happen. No mention of her swallowing or even fin-
ishing me off orally even comes up. (no pun intended) The
last thing I want to do is start annoying the person whose
teeth are wrapped around any part of my penis!!
Carmen,
Love the ezine girl, it rocks. So many questions answered, so
many new things learned. I have never thought about my husband
being "pressured" to last longer. I know he wishes he could go
longer at times, I didn't ever think about him being "under
pressure" because of it. But after today I will make sure he
knows how I feel. I think the article was pretty much on
target. Sex often lasts about 10 minutes between my husband
and I and it does all I need for it to do. And I believe he
feels the same and is satisfied too. Now don't get me wrong,
I do want him to take me down the highway and "blow me out"
occasionally.
But it doesn't have to be every session. Good Lord, it would
kill a man. I am a 41 year very sexual woman. I like it and
I like it a lot (not sure what happened at 40 but my appetite
increased) but I don't want hour long sessions every time.
Sometimes it's just for the intimacy, being close, as close
as possible. And I think everyone would agree they want oral
sex to last until the deed is done. Be it 2 minutes or 20.
Just finish for pete's sake! I think it's whatever you want.
I have a friend and she likes her sessions to be lengthy. I
tell her she doesn't know what a quickie can cure. But it's
up to each individual to figure out what they want but I think
the article was pretty close to what the majority of women
would say. Thanks for all the info. Signed, Speedy
Carmen,
About how long should intercourse be to be considered "normal"?
Once again, great topic. And one that I haven't seen discussed.
I have also wondered about this. I have often felt sorry for
the poor girls in those movies being, as you said in your
article - "jack-hammered for 45 minutes". From a serious
standpoint, for the woman, it could range from mild to great
discomfort afterwards, to actual physical damage to the female.
(I won't go into detail here, but as a small woman, it could be
quite painful afterwards).
That aside, I feel I have enough experience in an assortment
of lengths of time to spend in the act. And, there is no
exact amount of time. It all depends on who your with, the
mood, and how comfortable you are with your partner. Sometimes
a quickie is really fun when you both know you are in a hurry
to get somewhere. Sometimes the mood takes you on a long
journey through foreplay and a long love-making session.
There is no normal...it's all in the time-frame you have to
"play" with! The problem with taking a long time, though, is
that it is hard to keep your mind focused on what you are
doing. A sound in the distance (traffic outside, noisy neigh-
bors...if you are young parents...this can be a problem), or
your mind starts to wander...and anything that takes the female
mind away from "the moment at hand - so to speak", can com-
pletely collapse her mood. And then you find yourself think-
ing - "get it over with already!" Admit it women...you have
all thought that!!! And if your man thinks he needs to be a
stallion...talk to him about it or learn the techniques to
"bring him over".
So, to me, the best "time" to spend with your partner is the
time it takes to bond, make each other feel good, talk and
giggle with each other afterwards...maybe do it all over
again after spending time talking and caressing. 45 minutes
of "everything' to me is better than 45 minutes of "jack-
hammering" any day! Completely...Honestly!!!
Hi Carmen
I just finished reading your newsletter on the length of sex
and I gotta say that the 7-13 min do not apply to me at all.
To me good sex lasts from 30 min up to 3 hours. I know that
I am in a group of a select few that can actually do this, at
least that is what my previous partners have told me. But of
course a good quickie is always good :)
Another thing I have been wondering about is, are women gen-
erally in different countries different in bed? I have had
conversations about this with male friends and it seems that
they all agree on that women here in Iceland are not as com-
fortable during sex as women in other countries, they both
married women who are not Icelandic one is from Hungary the
other is German. So I have really been wondering about this
and I asked a few guys what they thought and they all agreed
that Icelandic women seem to be very self-conscious in bed they
don´t moan and don´t really know how to give a man good oral
sex, one actually told me one girl scraped her teeth on his
penis. So I would really like to see something on the subject
just to satisfy my curiosity.
Carmen,
I, like most guys (I think) don't last for 20 or 30 mins after
penetration, but always do my best to hold off until my wife
has had an orgasm during the act. How do I know you ask? Well
I know because she gives me a nice warm shower of her love
juices all over my member, once I feel that I know I can let
go whenever and all will be well. Mind you all of this is
preceded by plenty of manual and oral stimulation. It is
always my goal to provide her orgasms by finger, tongue, and
penis. I get plenty of the same in return but must be careful
not to let her go too far because it could all be over before
it gets to the penetration part.(yes, she does that very well)
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Hi, Carmen,
I'm a civil servant and work at an area where police officers
patrol the grounds and run the metal detector at the front
door. One of my girlfriends was having a problem at her
house, so I asked one of the guys about what she should do.
He told me that both our city and county now have what are
called Domestic Violence Task Force offices.
The one in the city PD is managed by a detective and a female
assistant. They coordinate different services that are
usually needed in domestic violence cases. So when someone
calls, a case is opened in that unit and the police work goes
through that office. It makes sense, because domestic violence
situations tend to have multiple police calls. So if one of
your readers needs the services, they might keep this in mind
when calling the local law enforcement. If the call concerns
a domestic violence situation, don't be surprised to get a
follow-up call or contact from that task force. Thanks for
all the information you provide!
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I'm not sure if the above information applies to all or most
cities, but I wanted to share it with you just in case. Thanks
for the details! After Fighting Part II this week, remember
to practice this motto over the weekend: be a lover, not a
fighter :) As always, I remain...
Devotedly yours,
Carmen Sutra
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