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Monday, January 21, 2008
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<%BLOG|What would you tell%>
A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:
As I mentioned in last week's reader comments issue, tons of
you have written to me recently with very personal issues
and questions. I will be addressing some of them in whole
articles because some parts might apply to many readers. The
first letter today incorporates something we've talked about
before - myspace usage and issues like trust, communication
(or lack thereof), and betrayal. If you have something to add
to my comments, please send me an email with a related subject
header.
*
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*
Today's Topic: What Would You Tell This Reader?
Carmen,
I have tried to write an email to you once, but this time I
NEED HELP! My man (23) and I (22) have been together for 4
years now. We have a beautiful daughter that is 4 (she is
not biologically his, but he is her daddy). We have been
happy for the most part the whole time, but he lost his job
in October and has been really upset lately so I keep trying
to cheer him up but I just found the other day that he is
talking to a girl on myspace and saying how much he misses
her (she lives in another state, has a rep of being a home
wrecker and they have been friends since kindergarden) and
that he loves me and "sure she's pretty...but not my wife"
and he signed it "I miss you too...a lot... love ya."
Now I don't approve of this chick because he has hidden her
before. He went to see her once when she was in town and
didn't tell me until I found out myself, when we took a short
break a few years back, he saw her quite a bit, and she has
been a HOME WRECKER BEFORE! Carmen, I really love this man
and always will, but I don't know what to do. I don't think
that I can go on without him, but I KNOW that I can't go on
like this... Please, please, please help me. I am totally
shattered right now and lost. Do I give him an ultimatum?
Do I ignore it? How do I confront him? I don't want to lose
him, but I don't know what to do either. Signed, Devoted
and heartbroken
------------
I had so many reactions reading this letter that I'm not sure
where to start. First and foremost, thank you for writing to
me. I can tell you are quite distraught, and it takes a lot
of courage to share your situation. You asked a series of
questions, so I will address those. Should you ignore this?
You are obviously upset and indicate you can't live like this,
so absolutely not, you should not ignore this. If you ever
ignore something that upsets you, it will only snowball into
more. Do you give him an ultimatum? Ultimatums don't generally
work, but you do need to talk to him about all this (ie con-
fronting him).
Be prepared for a litany of excuses for his behavior. He will
say he's stressed from losing his job, that he needs "friends",
and that he's not doing anything wrong. You have to be
extremely clear with how you feel about what he is doing. It
is unacceptable to you that he talks with this woman, especially
given that they have a past. You have to explicitly tell him
this, as well as exactly how you feel. Don't leave anything
to question. Once he truly knows where you stand, he then
has the choice to honor your feelings and relationship or
continue on this downward path. Regardless, you both have a
choice here. It doesn't matter what excuses he throws out for
his correspondence with this woman: he chooses to communi-
cate with her. He can now choose to stop communication and
work on your relationship or not, and then you have the choice
to stay with him.
Let me be clear that this is not an ultimatum. If you even-
tually choose to leave him, it should be based on a pattern
of behavior. You deserve to be with someone who treats you
as well as you treat him. You have an obligation to your
daughter and your spirit to be in a relationship that honors
you and encourages your growth and security.
I read the above letter probably 10 times, and the part that
kept jumping out at me was when you said you feel you can't
live without him. I know we often say dramatic things out of
hurt, but I want to address this. You MUST be okay on your
own. You HAVE to be a whole, complete person without a part-
ner. If you feel like you have to be with someone, then you
will make unwise decisions. I'm not saying this is your case,
but I just wanted to mention these nuggets as points to ponder.
Relationships do not flourish out of desperation. Both part-
ners must have their own identities and lives so that the
coupling can prosper.
*
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*
Relationship issues and breakups can feel traumatic at the
time. If any of you ever feel like doing harm to yourself,
do not hesitate to call USA National Suicide Hotline at
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433). Some people might think I'm
jumping the gun on this one, and perhaps these comments don't
apply to this particular reader. I know, though, after writing
this column for so long, that someone in need of that hotline
number is reading right now. And to them, I say good luck
and stay strong. You are not alone. To all of you, I say when
in doubt and in your deepest insecurities, reach out to your
partner or family and friends. As always, I remain...
Devotedly yours,
Carmen Sutra
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