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Friday, September 14, 2007
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A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:
The floodgates were opened this week with our "Are you normal?"
issue. So many of you responded with insight and questions
specific to your situation. Or, at least, what you THOUGHT
was specific to your situation. The thing to remember is that
if you are going through something, chances are, someone else
is probably, too, so we are not alone. This is a great place
to discuss our deepest concerns because it is anonymous and
safe. Many of you expressed that you feel something is wrong
with you for your current situation, some wanted to know how
to go about meeting people, how to trust after getting pro-
foundly hurt, when to give up condom usage and much more.
Today's comments are a sprinkling of your feedback, and I
will address more of them soon. Please respond to any of
today's letters, especially on how to meet people online
or in our natural surroundings. I extend a very sincere
thank you to all those who shared today.
*
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*
Today's Topic: Reader Comments
Carmen,
you might be interested to know that when I was a Psychology
major, we learned that the definition of “normal” is a range
of behavior that society currently finds acceptable.
carmen,
love reading your column, was just wondering if you would
consider doing an issue on iternet dating, specifically how
to start, and what to ask etc. (female)
Dear Carmen,
let me start out by saying I love your newsletter. There are
many tips, positions, etc. to try but my problem is no one to try
them with. I am divorced and don't want to grow old alone.
This is a HUGE topic for me. I hope you and some of the readers
out there can help. Please! Thanks, (male)
Carmen,
I would like this topic to be discussed: How do you know when
it's completely ok to go without a condom? My boyfriend and
I have been dating for almost a year and I have been on the
pill for a long time now. It is something that I would enjoy
with my partner, but don't know how to bring it up or when it
would be appropriate to ask for in a relationship. Also, we
don't use condoms with oral sex. (female) Thank you! Love your
work!
[Great question! Three things: 1)You can get STDs through
oral sex. 2)Get thoroughly tested for all STDs 3)After getting
a clean bill of health for both of you and if you trust that
you are in a monogamous relationship, go for it!]
Carmen,
I have been a reader for several years and I love the column!
I understand that everyone's perception of what is "normal"
varies but just the other day I was wondering if other couples
in their early 20's were in the same boat as my boyfriend and
I. He and I have been together for over a year and we have
never had sex. Once I talked about this to a close friend but
somehow it seems like everyone in my social community knows
about it know. I get comments from my friends saying how
"abnormal" it is and they try to give me advice on how to get
him to have sex but I figure why should I adhere to what they
think is "normal"?
Carmen, I must admit sometimes I feel like maybe there is
something wrong with me that is putting him off or something
but there is really no way of knowing what is going on in that
mind of his. He is very reserved with his emotions. I have
told him that I care about him very much and that we can hold
off on it until he really feels ready but Carmen I can't help
but long for that connection with him! We have a wonderful
bond in our relationship so I really do not understand why
we won't make love. My friends think maybe he's actually still
a virgin and he is just scared for some reason but he has told
me about his past encounters. When I talk to him about the
situation, he seems to blame a psycho-ex of his who faked a
pregnancy scare to try and keep him. I have no problems with
using birth control and condoms so Carmen, do you think I
should just be happy with the oral and manual stimulation we
engage in from time to time or should I seduce him?
[You didn't provide me with a whole lot of details, but I
will make a couple comments. People often question if their
situation is normal, like you asked. It doesn't matter if
something is "normal"; it only matters if it is an issue for
YOU. And in this case, it IS an issue to you. You would like
to make love, but your boyfriend isn't ready. It could be
that he's still a virgin, feels awkward and unskilled, that
he was burned by an ex, or even just emotionally not ready.
It really could be many things, but the only way to find
out is through communication. Bring it up again and express
how much you care for him and that you want to make love
as an extension of those feelings. See what he says. Good luck.]
Carmen,
I didn't know how to get on your forum but I wanted to tell
you that I have all those worries..I'm a 55 year old woman
who has been dating for the past 6 years and haven't found the
right one yet..well I might have one now we have been dating
for 3 months but I fear mostly that he will find some one who
he thinks is better and leave me but my fear comes from my X
he walked out on me and his family after 21 years of marriage
now it's hard to trust any man
[Your feelings are very understandable, and I appreciate you
sharing your experience with us. Trusting new people takes a
lot of courage because it forces you to be vulnerable. With-
out a doubt, you are taking a risk again. But the thing is,
it could be a worthwhile risk, too. In times of fear, ask
yourself if your current partner has ever done anything to
cause distrust. Ask yourself if you are fearful because of
past hurt or current behavior by your partner. The best
thing I can tell you is that in the moments of doubt and
fear, make yourself rationally think through them to de-
cipher if they have merit or are from the past. Good luck.]
Wait, there's more...
*
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*
Carmen,
OK, my Sweetie and I were conscientiously making an effort at
the "Wheelbarrow" position today at lunch break. Her landlord
walked in because he heard the chair legs scratching on the
floor, and we again forgot to lock the door. We'd give it an
A minus if one remembers to lock the door. (Florida male)
-----
Yes, maybe next time you should remember to lock the doors! :)
Thanks for trying and sharing your experience! Thank you, also,
to those who shared very personal issues this week. I truly
appreciate your comments and the courage it takes to voice
your concerns. I will be reading through more of them this
weekend and will address some more topics next week. In the
meantime, lock your doors and get to it!! As always, I remain...
Devotedly yours,
Carmen Sutra
*********************WEEKLY VIDEO CLIP**********************
KAYNE WEST'S VMA MELTDOWN
Caught on video here is Kanye West after losing, yet again,
at the MTV Video Music Awards. You'll hear how mad he is and
his vow to never appear on MTV again.
Kayne
Viral Videos on the Net at EVTV1.com
EVTV1.com
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