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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Not Your Typical Guy

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   <<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>          

       CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, October 17, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
------------------------------------------------------------
          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
          
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Greetings Fellow Bizarros:

I never know when something truly bizarre is going to sneak 
up on me. I found myself in just such a bizarre situation 
this past weekend when an old college friend I haven't seen 
in years invited me and the wife out to dinner. He said he 
was in town and wanted to introduce me to his new girlfriend. 

In college Dominick was not your typical guy. He was a 
talented engineering student, but he was also very into 
martial arts and meditation. And the years have not dimmed 
his interest in the exotic and metaphysical. While we were 
at dinner he informed me that he has recently been practicing 
astral projection. 

I have heard of this before, but asked him to give me more 
details so I would know if he had completely unscrewed his 
nut. This is what he told me. 

"Humans are essentially spirit beings. All the world's re-
ligions agree on this. Our bodies are just physical vehicles, 
or if you prefer, a temple in which our spirits reside. There 
are techniques you can use to free your spirit from your body 
for a limited time and 'project' it into what we call the 
astral realm." 

"And what do you do in this astral realm?"

"You can do a lot of what you do in the physical world, walk 
around, observe things. But everything is kind of intangible, 
so it's hard to touch things. But with a little discipline 
and practice you can float, fly, travel at light speeds any-
where in the world." 

"Really? Do you have to be a swami or something to do it?"

"Not at all," he said. "The techniques are really very simple. 
I could teach you how to do it in about an hour. You might not 
get very far the first time, it will probably seem more like 
a day-dream." 

"I could astral project?" I laughed. 

"Why not? We'll do it together. It could be like an experiment. 
What have you got to lose?"

He said doing it at night, while you are tired, is a bad idea, 
so we planned for him and his girlfriend to come over the 
following afternoon and we would try the experiment. I figured 
if anything, it should make an interesting column. 

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...

Classic Bizarre Forum 

+----------------- Bizarre Medical Records -----------------+

This is an actual collection from medical interview records
written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists,
and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals... 

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her 
life until 1989 when she got a divorce. 

The patient was in his usual state of good health until 
his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the 
way to Los Angeles. 

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and 
accommodation. 

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the 
right foot. 

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took 
a job as a stockbroker instead. 

                           ***

------ Performance Artist Nails Arm to Wall as "Art" -------

SYDNEY, Australia - Performance artist Mike Parr is known 
for bizarre expressions and his latest gesture is no excep-
tion. Art enthusiasts were recently treated to his antics 
via a webcam at Sydney's Artspace gallery. Though Parr was 
born with only one arm, he had a builder drive a long, 
silver nail into his forearm and then hammer it into a 
wall. The "performance" is of him sitting in a chair with 
his arm hammered. The video footage was then projected on 
to the gallery wall. Before going through with it, though, 
Parr sought the advice of doctors and seems to be doing 
well. He is taking Panadol for the pain. Gallery curator 
Sophie O'Brien said "his arm seemed to be in good shape. 
We kept it really clean...The nail went through skin and 
fat, not muscle." Well, that makes all the difference then. 
Parr's famous stunt last year was when he locked himself 
in a room for a week without food. 

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-- "I Don't Know How to Tell You Ma'am, But You're a Man" --

HONDURAS - Imagine living your whole life as a female and
at the age of 33, your world is turned upside down. You find
out you are actually a man. At least that's what happened 
to Juan Jose Maldonado. He was born with a malformation of
his genitals and always thought he was a woman and thus
dressed appropriately. He found out he is actually a woman
during a recent trip to the Instituto Hondureno de Seguridad
Social hospital. Not traumatized at all, Maldonado is thank-
ing God, literally. "This has been a miracle from God. Now I 
want to set up my own family." On the contrary, Dr. Gustavo 
Bueso, Maldonado's physician, is not sure if he can even
generate children. Since the gender revelation, the Honduran
has undergone surgery to reform his penis.


------ Jailhouse Rocker Gets Weighed Down By Uniform ------ 

ZEPHYRHILLS, Florida - Korey Bradd Henderson may have just 
done a little bit to much head banging to his favorite hard 
rock music. Maybe that would explain why the 25-year-old of 
Lakeland, Florida decided to wear a bright orange jail uni-
form to a hard rock concert when he was supposed to be under
house arrest. When Pasco County sheriff's detective Mark 
Morrison approached Henderson in his jailhouse garb, he 
took off running and ran straight into two other deputies.
Henderson at first told them the getup was a Halloween 
costume. But when the deputies checked with the officials 
at Polk County jail, they confirmed that one uniform was 
indeed missing. A warrants check told deputies that 
Henderson was supposed to be on house arrest in Lakeland 
as part of his probation on a charge of illegal possession 
of narcotics. Henderson is still wearing a jail uniform 
as he awaits his next trial.

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----- Playing Dead Not So Amusing For Pennsylvania Man -----

PENNSYLVANIA - A sick practical joke ended with a Pennsylva-
nia man laughing himself all the way back to prison. Jeffrey 
Barber apparently thought it would be a regular laugh riot to 
scare his wife by pretending he had been shot. After firing 
his .22-caliber rifle in the house, the 44-year-old proceeded 
to smear himself with tomato sauce and lay on the floor. When 
the missus called 911 to come to her husband's aid, the police 
found he was very much alive, and violating the terms of his 
parole by owning several guns. Barber pled guilty to illegal 
ownership of the firearms, and had to face the mandatory 
sentence of 15-years to life.


------- Man Drives Himself To Jail In Stolen Pickup ------- 

VERMONT - It is probably not a bright idea to drive your-
self to jail in a stolen pickup truck. Maybe someone should 
have clued Robert Shaida of Vermont of this little fact. 
Apparently, Shaida was supposed to turn himself in to serve 
a brief sentence for driving with a suspended license. 
According to officers, Shaida tried to report to the Wood-
stock jail, but was told he would have to go to the prison 
in Rutland, about 35 miles away. So, Shaida allegedly 
climbed into an unlocked pickup, found the keys and drove 
himself to the Marble Valley Correctional Facility. Even
though Shaida confessed to taking the pickup, he still
faces charges of driving a vehicle without the owner's 
consent, and driving with a suspended license. 


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, That story about arresting the child touched a sore 
spot. I too was a substitute teacher for several years. The
final straw was when a 2nd grader attacked another with a 
pair of scissors. I took the offender to the principal and 
instead of the child being disciplined, I was told to leave 
the child alone because his parents often cause trouble for 
the school. He can do whatever he wants because his mom is 
a bitch.  I quit.  I'm a computer nerd now. They don't at-
tack (much). -Michelinda
[I have a great deal of respect for teachers. Sometimes they 
are expected to raise children as well as educate them. And 
that job should occur in the home....which is why I think 
all parents should be required to act as substitute teachers, 
study hall monitors, etc...for a portion of each year to 
understand what goes into the educational process. Or we 
could just militarize all the schools.]


I used to smoke Camels back in the 60's, and I believe they 
contained particles of camels. -Dean


Lewis, What's with the title RATBOT SCARES LIVING SHIT OUT 
OF FEMALE FACULTY? The article said nothing about females 
or being scared or even about shit. Who comes up with your 
titles? -Ed
[------------ Subscriber Has No Sense of Humor ------------]


Umm...Lewis...you've been had.  All those facts you sent out 
were BS.  Club Top 5 started circulating them a couple of 
weeks ago as a kind of practical joke. --Brian
[Am I the only one who reads my column? I prefaced that list 
with the exact same comment.]


Lewis you missed another one on the calendar. The eighth of 
may is outdoor intercourse day. 
[That would explain what I saw in the neighbor's backyard 
this morning.]


Lewis, I just had a nightmare.  I was driving around NJ and 
noticed a building with a Shagmail sign.  When I stopped in 
and asked for you, they introduced you as a woman.  Not 
shocked, as this news was bizarre, I insisted on greeting 
"you" by showing my boobs. Your assistant then told me you 
were going to sue me to the tune of $80.00 for assault as 
this display was unsolicitated.  Do I need to see a psy-
chiatrist? --Lisa
[No, but perhaps you should send me a photo of your boobs 
so I can formulate a more informed opinion.]


lewis, i cant believe what i read in my mail today. i dont 
like this kind of humor, bizzare or otherwise. i will be 
leaving your list and wanted to tell you the reason why. 
When HE opens the BOOK And takes a look, will HE find your 
name?
[If you're talking about the maitre d at Jack Gibbon's Steak 
House he'd better. I made reservations yesterday.] 


Hi Lewis! As to your answer to "Baffled in PA", dressing like 
Catwoman will work with ANY man, trust me. Other good outfits 
are the Princess Leia slave costume, and June Cleaver (leave 
the stockings, heels, and pearls on during sex). --Shirley
[I usually do.]


I tend to let my emails pile up for about a week so I usually 
end up just deleting them all without reading 'em...but as 
soon as I come across one named "Bizarre News" somehow I seem 
to find plenty of time to sit back, relax, and enjoy my 
FAVORITE e-mail of the week! 
[What a coincidence. I do the same thing with work...letting 
it pile up until somebody else does it. But somehow I always 
manage to get Bizarre News done on time. We have something 
in common!]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@bizarrenews.com
  Email Lewis
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