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Zeus Would like That

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       Classic Laff-a-Day - June 20, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

This just in, much to the joy of the Mudd family new evidence
indicates that John Wilks Booth did not actually kill Abraham
Lincoln. No, instead it is said that the play was so bad that
Lincoln shot himself.

Speaking of entertainment--when do the winter Olympics come on
next? I like the winter games much more than the summer games.
Watching the summer events is just boring. What do you get?
A bunch of people running around a track. Whoopee! In the
winter games you have events that require training, stamina,

You’ve got the downhill, which is a man on a couple of sticks
going 80 mph. There’s cross-country skiing where you trudge
across a frozen tundra using every muscle in your body. Ski
jumping where you start at the top of the mountain, get shot
off a ramp and fly the length of a football field. And pairs
figure skating where you keep waiting for the guy’s hand to
slip off her thigh and shoot into the girl’s snatch up the

It’s that anticipation that keeps me watching.




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I don’t know how true any of this is, but it made interesting

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames
by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight
& sleep tight."

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that
for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with  all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based; this
period was called the honey month or what was known today as
the honeymoon.

3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in
old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would
yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they
needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you
had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family).
When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the
King; the King gave them a placard that they hung on their
door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K.
(Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know
where that came from.

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them
mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male
masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin’
the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for
female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang
terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage,
there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

Game show banter...

1. On the Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks asked the wife where 
the most unusual place they had ever had sex was.

Response: "That's got to be up the butt, Bob."

2. On Password the contestant was Black. The secret word was
"deer": The celebrity gave the clue "DOE". 

The contestant responded "KNOB".

3. The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle. The host
gives one of the two teams a clue, and they have to guess
the answer and fill in the crossword.

Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the 
celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker."

Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio."

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A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate
his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it
will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps
his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward,
then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he
stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally
he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"


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