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Publication: Classic Laffaday
Mother's Day Redux

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       Classic Laff-a-Day - June 12, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

Clean Laffs Joe and Steve (he writes The Daily Groaner) called
me out to look at a few lines they'd written on the big board.

"TZ, what do these things have in common?" Joe asked. "Gravity,
Disco and Steve's mom?"

"I don't know. What?"

Joe said, "They all suck!"

It was now Steve's turn. "OK, TZ, what do these things have in
common? Men's pants, the vice president and Joe's mother?"

"I don't know. What?"

"They all have dick in them!"




Send me your comments and jokes: 
Submit a Comment 

Get Out & Walk... You'll Be Glad You Did!

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But did you know there are certain things to do when
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I don't know why I find this funny. Maybe I'm punchy...

Muldoon had died from dysentery. When they went to prepare
him for burial, he was still excreting. The undertaker
thought about it for a moment, then went out and returned
with a large cork.

A couple of hours later, O'Shawnessy and Ryan came to carry
the body down to the living room for the wake. Ryan led the
way as they walked slowly down the stairs. All the guests
stood about with their heads bowed.

Suddenly the cork came out and excretion came pouring down
on top of Ryan's head. He promptly dropped the body and the
corpse went hurtling down the stairs.

The undertaker rushed up to Ryan. "What the hell did you
do, man?"

And Ryan said calmly, "Listen, man, if that bastard can
shit, he can walk!"

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."

"Yeah, but I love you more than football and basketball."
---Tommy Lasorda, after his wife accused him of loving baseball
more than her.

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive 
oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an 
odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went
to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell 
like olive oil?" 

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.

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produce you just bought and toss one of these revolutionary 
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WHY... As fruits and vegetables age they create gases that 
cause them to spoil prematurely. Supermarkets and grocers 
know this so they use potassium minerals to absorb these 
gases in order to prolong the life of their produce and 
now you can too. 

These Refrigerator Balls contains a packet of potassium 
minerals that absorb these produce-rotting gasses, so you 
can keep your fruits and vegetables fresher, longer right 
at home. 

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contains 3 Fridge Balls. To order or get more info, visit: 


             Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE:    That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE:    I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
to love.
INSIDE:  After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE:  I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE:  What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE:  And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE:  Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to
admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE:  Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept
your promise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE:  Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm
taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE:  It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE:  Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?


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