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Publication: Classic Laffaday
Midlife Meltdown?

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       Classic Laff-a-Day - June 30, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

I think I'm going through menopause. I'm ornery, always hot and
if I had a vagina I'm sure it'd be as dry as the dust bowls of
Kansas in the thirties.

Also I feel like crying alot. There is a hair dressing college
next to our office, and whenever I see all the young women
jiggling around in those tight fitting, low cut clothes, I have
to bite my knuckles to help me fight back the tears.

Maybe a convertible Corvette will cheer me up? Or a fling with
some young broad who thinks I have money? I don't know... I may
just need some Vagisil.




Send me your comments and jokes: 
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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,
try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me
relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to
get a fulltime job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about
the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how
hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night
is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I
hit that door. 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em
for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That
way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of
my strong points. 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half
finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of
freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 



Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long
50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end,
with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer
lying nearby. 

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The
all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise.

"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
      ---Adolf Hitler

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."

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Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when
Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did
business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we
can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist,
but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and
our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions
against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body,
but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting
all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops
in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but
providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and
insurance  companies have the best interests of the public at

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science,
but creationism should be taught in schools. A president lying
about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a
president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands
die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the 
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring
the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but  George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless
you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you
need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell
states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.


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