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Publication: Classic Laffaday
I Hate Cats

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       Classic Laff-a-Day - June 17, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

Did you see the story about the cat that predicts when nursing
home patients are going to die? No shit. This cat, who doesn't
really like people, has hopped up and snuggled with the last
25 people who have died in this nursing home--always within a
few hours of their death.

The staff have such confidence in the cat's power that they now
call the infirm person's family as soon as he jumps up on the
bed. The families have been grateful for the advance notice
because they get to rush over and spend the last moments with
their loved ones. Sometimes the people ask that the cat be taken
outside so that they can be alone, and the cat starts going nuts
by pacing and meowing.

I don't know about you, but that's one pussy I don't want
anything to do with.




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Speaking of death, an Italian friend of mine called me up and
told me that his great uncle Tony died. Tony was a good old guy
who used to sit in on our poker games (back when I was a
degenerate gambler) when the mood struck him.

"I’m sorry," I offered my friend. "He was a neat old guy. I’ll
miss him. How’s your mother?"

"Oh, she’s alright," he said. "My aunt Maria called and told
her how it happened. My mom immediately went and turned on the
oven. I asked her what was up and she told me. I gave her a hug,
told her to sit down and that she didn’t have to cook for me
tonight. She hit me over the head and screamed, ‘I’ma no cook
for you’a tonight, che cazzo (you dick)! I’ma cook for da

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Ignorance is the mother of admiration.
     ---George Chapman

Q:  Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

A:  So they won’t be mistaken for feminists.

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A guy walks into a bookstore, not looking for anything in
particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots
something of interest. A book with a very interesting title,
"Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it
up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of
the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for
quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She
answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would
want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets
excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he 
decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating
by then."


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