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       Classic Laff-a-Day - June 10, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

I am one relieved S.O.B. My wife just got her period. She
doesn't know it, but I've been running around for two weeks
thinking that she might be pregnant. I never told her that the
condom broke the night of our 16th anniversary. I guess modern
standards of rubber production don't allow for 3 minutes of
heavy duty pumping.

I've literally been walking around thinking, "I should have had
the vasectomy after the first scare."

Three kids--the youngest going into first grade... Man! We're
almost at the point where we could relinquish our kids into the
custody of the state's inadequate education system, and I almost
blew it! I almost brought a new baby into the house!

Like I tell my wife and kids, 'No pets because I'm maxed out on
the number of things in my life that I can love. You should all
feel privileged that I left room in my heart for you because I
take up so much space myself.'




Send me your comments and jokes: 
Submit a Comment 

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You might be a Mexican

If you can fit four riders on the bench seat of a pickup, while
in the back twelve are standing up. You are a Mexican.

If you can run, ride a llegua, and play futbol all while wearing
chanclas, Mexican status!

If your late tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco
vending business, yes you're a Mexican.

If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamasita rubbed the area
while chanting, "Sana, Sana, Colita de rana..." Big time Mexican.

If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on
your car, truck, or tattooed on your back. Yes, You ARE a Mexican
(proud one too).

If you refer to your wife as; your ruca, your hina, your wifey,
your old lady, or your vieja. guess what? You're a California
born Mexican.

If you throw a "Grito" every time you hear Vicente Fernandez,
Then not only are you a Mexican, but you are a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and been told "pobrecito
de ti si lloras" or "Vas a ver orita que salgamos." This has
happened to every good Mexican, and yes you're definitely a

If you grew up scared of someone called La Llorona, or fear the
dark because of El CuCuy! Yes! Mexican!

Si te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every
drawing. You're in the Mexican Zone!

If you ask for something by "dame esa chingadera" instead of
calling  it by its name. Yep! Mexican!

If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys" or pizza as
"picxa" you're a Mexican.

If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure
out why your butt is getting bigger... you might be a Mexican.

If you have some tias that dress up in their prom dresses to
go to your birthday party at "el parque" you are a Mexican.

If your tias and abuela dress up in their Sunday best, nylon,
heels and all to go to the "Remate." (AKA the Flea Market)
Then yes you are a Mexican.

If most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink,
mint green, and purple. Yes Mexican!

If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or
the top of an old car to dry laundry. Yes you're a Mexican.

If you're sick and your mamasita rubs "Bicks" into your nostrils
and gives you "jugo de sebolla" with sugar, (grandma's recipe)
to help relieve your symptoms, Damn!! You're Mexican.


All meant in fun, don't get all "doloridos" and pass it on so
another Mexican can laugh too.

Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a
balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair
loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing
a chemical that showed great promise.

Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth
of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp. He was very happy at
first but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow
uncontrollably all over his body.

After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What the hell
did you give me?" he demanded.

"It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth."

"Oh," said the man. "That would explain the size of my balls."

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"And what was the culmination of events that led you to file
this action?" asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing.

"All through our marriage my wife was less than fully responsive
to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband, "but the
clincher came one morning at the breakfast table."

"Why? What happened?"

"She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm
already beginning to get a headache.'"


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