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       Classic Laff-a-Day - June 25, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

Lewis was telling Magilla about some moron he saw on Oprah who
informed the millions of people watching that a man's penis
will grow longer by one inch if he loses 35 pounds.

"Hey, that's good news, Boss!" I said. "You should be able to
add about 3 inches to little Mr. Winkie. That'll give you a
total of six inches."

"It's not the length that matters, TZ," Magilla said, "it's
the width. Ask your wife: 'out of all the dick you've sampled,
were the long ones the best or the fat ones?' And I know she'll
say the fat ones, because that's what she told me and my
rugby team."

"Oh, yeah?" I said. "Well we'll see what she says when I ask




Send me your comments and jokes: 
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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

She replied her thimble had fallen into the water and that she
needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver
thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord
asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." 

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the
woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the
seamstress went home happy. 

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went
down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this
your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was upset. "You lied! That is not the truth."

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney,
you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to
him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said
'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the
best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

So the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason,
and in the best interest of others. 

"If it is to be, it is up to me."
     ---Ben Hogan, golf legend

"Life is either a grand adventure or nothing."
     ---Helen Keller

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GOD:  Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to
the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow
in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected
to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these
green rectangles.

 St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and
went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:  Grass?  But, it's so boring. It's not colorful.  It
doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod
worms.  It's sensitive to temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites
really want all that grass growing there?

 ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to
grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring by
fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up
in the lawn.
GOD:  The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass
grow really fast.  That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST.  FRANCIS:  Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:  They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay?
ST.  FRANCIS:  Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up 
and put it in bags.
GOD:  They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, they pay to throw it away.
GOD:   Now, let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so
it will grow, and, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay
to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:  Yes, Sir.
GOD:  These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when
we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows
the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:  You aren't going to believe this, Lord.  When
the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay
more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay
to get rid of it.
GOD:  What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The
trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in
the summer.  In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a
natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the
trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
St. FRANCIS:  You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have
drawn a new circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them
into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:  No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots
in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:  After throwing away the leaves, they go out and
buy something which  they call mulch.  They haul it home and
spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:  And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:  They cut down trees and grind them up to make
the mulch.
GOD:  Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have
you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:  "Dumb and Dumber", Lord.  It's a story about...

GOD:  Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from
St. Francis.


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