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       Classic Laff-a-Day - January 18, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

The honey bees are all disappearing and now our entire system of
agriculture is in jeopardy. I never knew this but bees are
responsible for pollinating a major portion of our fruits and
vegetables--it's a huge business. Bee farmers transport
thousands of immense colonies all around the United States so
that they can pollinate certain crops and keep us all fed and
healthy. But the bees are all disappearing and the experts are
clueless as to why. The colony owners come in to find the hives
empty with no clue as to where they went.

This sounds suspicious so I called a contact I have at the
State Department.

"Reynolds here," he said into the phone.

I whispered, "Root canal cannot be performed on a live shark."

"Excuse me?"

"It's code," I said. "Hi Reynolds, it's me TZ with

"Jesus, TZ, will you please stop calling me!"

"What, do you know something about Jesus? Is James Cameron
right? Is that really Jesus' coffin? What's the
administration's official position?"



"Yeah, they're Republicans."

"That's old."

"You think everything is old."

"What about these bees?"

"What bees?"

"The disappearing bees."

"Is that a new group?"

"No. The bees are nowhere to be found and nobody knows what's

"Oh," he whispered conspiratorially, "the 'bee' issue. Well, I
can't go on the record of course..."

"Of course," I whispered back.

"...But it looks like Islamic terrorists are killing the bees
and hiding the little bee bodies."

"Really? Wow..."

"Yeah, the administration thinks it's the Iranians this time,
so we are drawing up plans to bomb them until they tell us
what they did with our bees. We think they're keeping them
hostage because they hate freedom and hate our way of life."

"Wow, Reynolds! Can I print that?"

"Only as a 'State Department official said', OK?"

"You got it, buddy. Thanks."




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Marriage Contract

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal,
agree that...

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm
after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for
five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema,
I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying
stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and
howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any
relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe
in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by
some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman, it
will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's
night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a
large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of
your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and
longevity in the bedroom to my friends.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends-a lot.


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Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making
love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your
arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" name.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel
sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the
work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female
friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest
bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner.
And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a
day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even
though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to
proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the
fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my
body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of
your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met.
Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will
solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars,
computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the
comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I
attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household
items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator,
garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship

Signed ____________________________________ (female)


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