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Publication: Classic Laffaday
A Simpler Life

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       Classic Laff-a-Day - July 28, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

Magilla gave me his condescending 'you're so stupid' look. "Did
your mother have any children that lived?" he said.

"You know, I don't need this," I said. "I'm thinking about
telling you all to go fuck yourselves and dropping out of the
rat race. I'm tired of people. I crave peace and harmony. I want
to do something that will let me commune with nature. I want to
love what I do and who I do it with. I think I'm going to buy a
farm and raise Alpacas because I want a better life."

"How are you going to feed your family?" he asked.

"I don't know. How do people who raise Alpacas feed their

He said, "I think they have to kill their Alpacas and sell the

"Who eats Alpaca meat? I've never seen it in the meat section at

"Maybe they sell it to the dog food companies?"

"Well, shit, I don't want to raise these fucking things just to
kill them."

"Looks like you're stuck."

Lewis walked in.

"Hey, Lewis, you ever hear of anyone eating Alpaca meat?" I asked.

"No, but I bet it tastes like chicken."




Send me your comments and jokes: 
Submit a Comment 

SHAPE WALK THREE: Moderate to Fast Pace 4.2 to 4.5 mph
It's time to Shape Up...

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are tremendous CDs for anyone.

Top Fitness and music professionals compiled all time favorite 
songs in a seamlessly blended, musically reengineered remix of 
12 tunes first made famous by our favorite artists.

Featuring original vocal performances, this High Energy CD 
contains songs: Get Up. Love Is Alive, Let The Music Play, New 
Attitude, Jackie, Do You Want It Right Now, Love Rendezvous, 
Pressure Us, No Frills Love, Sweet Dreams, Mr Vain, Push It. 

To order this or see a list of other CDs available, visit:

SHAPE WALK THREE: Moderate to Fast Pace 4.2 to 4.5 mph

            Rules for Teachers in 1915 in the US

1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.

2. You are not to keep company with men.

3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m.
unless attending a school function.

4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.

5. You may not travel beyond city limits unless you have the
permission of the chairman of the board.

6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man
unless he is your father or brother.

7. You may not smoke cigarettes.

8. You may not dress in bright colors.

9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.

10. You must wear at least two petticoats.

11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches
above the ankle.

12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must:
* sweep the floor at least once daily
* scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water
* clean the blackboards at least once a day
* start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

Q: What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't
beat a blowjob.

"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18 percent that say ‘I don't know’? It costs 90 cents to call
up and vote--and they're voting ‘I don't know.’

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Into phone)... ‘I DON'T KNOW!’ (Hangs up looking proud.)

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're
not sure about."
     ---Andy Rooney

The Universal Jumbo Remote Control

Retail Price: $19.99

The size virtually guarantees you won't lose it! With this
unique and user-friendly Universal Remote Control you will
never have problems reading the buttons again.

Replace all your remotes with one convenient unit. You can 
control up to eight separate devices for your convenience, 
while its large size prevents you from misplacing and losing 
the remote again. Control your TV, VCR, DVD, SATELLITE, CABLE, 
Or a mix of all. 

The new glow keys make it amazingly clear to use in the dark!
Best of all it's compatible with almost all major brands of 
TVs and A/V Devices. 

Plus the Journey's Edge brand name ensures quality and 
durability. Makes a thoughtful gift. Check it out at:

Universal Remote Control

After sixteen years of marriage and three children, my wife and
I have developed a streamlined method of communication. Let’s
face it, necessity is the driving force of nature, and parents’
quest for a bit of peace and quite requires the ability to
be able to make yourself understood with the slightest of
gestures. A nod, a wink, a sigh.

So my wife calls and leaves a cryptic message in my voicemail.
I immediately understand her question on all levels. I mentally
compute all ramifications of the possible decisions and choose
a course of action. I call her back.

Wife: "Hello."

Me: "Hello--Umm, OK."

Wife: "OK?"

Me: "OK."

Wife: "OK. Bye."

Me: "Bye."


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