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Whatever It Takes

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       Classic Laff-a-Day - August 11, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

I'm in a hurry because I'm leaving early today. I have a job
interview with the New England Patriots. Seems that the guy
who shoots their video was arrested and they need a replacement.

The ad read: "Low-life wanted. Must not have morals or scruples,
and must be willing to win no matter what. Some spying,
cheating and lying required."

Seems like this position was tailor made for me. Either that
or head coach.




Send me your comments and jokes: 
Submit a Comment 

Joseph Kennedy (JFK’s father) once entered the fashionable
Gentlemen's Shamrock Grille on Wall Street and joined a group
of financiers. He beckoned to a waiter and ordered a double

"When Kennedy drinks," he declared loudly, "everybody drinks!"

With a cheer, everyone at the table ordered scotch. Kennedy
finished his drink, summoned the waiter, and slapped two
dollars on the table. "When Kennedy pays," he asserted,
"everyone pays!"

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single
hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete
their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell his

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the
short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make
a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door,
the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says,
"Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "OK, I'll tell him."


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The DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm is charged by the home's 
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sockets and track lights without lampshades. 

Here's a convenient and smart way to insure your family and 
home's safety. Screw this unique smoke alarm into an uncovered 
ceiling light socket, then screw a bulb into it if you'd like, 
and you're set: the alarm's built-in back-up battery will now 
recharge every time you turn on the light! 

Full charge can last up to 30 days without the light switch 
being turned on again; a full charge requires the light switch 
to be on for a total of two hours (not necessarily continuously). 
Alarm fits any standard-base light socket or ceiling fixture 
(without a globe), and takes a maximum 60w bulb. Includes 85-db 
alarm, low-battery warning signal, and test capability. No 
batteries required and no messy hardwire installation. Get
one for $9.99... or get two for $17.98. 


Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and
presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him
with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode.
Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at
a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.

Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why do I get a rundown
shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"

"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with
the money you sent us."

In 1999, Vice President Al Gore ended an 11-day silence about
his much-ridiculed claim that he invented the Internet. Gore
said, "I was pretty tired when I made that comment because I had
been up very late the night before inventing the camcorder...

Why can’t a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same

Because it’s hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.

The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless
you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter
     ---Dave Barry

Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking

"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like
handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."
     ---Jim Bishop

Do yourself a favor and buy these. They are great and the best
deal around.

Set of 4 Micro Fiber Cleaning Cloths

Store Price: $9.99 
Get Two Packages (8 Cloths) for $9.98

These amazing cloth cleans dust, spills, or plain old dirt 
with no soap or chemicals. It can absorb up to 7 times its 
weight in liquid! Dry, this unique fiber sucks up dust like 
a magnet. With a little water, it can scrub away grime or 
shine glass and chrome. Each cloth measures 12 ½ X 12 ½ . 

You get a set of four in assorted bright colors. Made from 
durable micro-fiber you can wash them over and over again! 
They are super soft to avoid scratching of fine interior 
trim pieces..

Additional Benefit you can save both money and the environment... 
No More Need For Paper Towels! No chemicals or cleansers are 
needed for cleanups because super soft microfibers loosen and 
absorb dirt.

Get one set (4 cloths) for $5.99 or get two sets (8 cloths 
for $9.98. Get more details at:

Set of 4 Micro Fiber Cleaning Cloths

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny
money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time
making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from
this batch of money is to find a place where the people aren't
too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a
small "Mom and Pop" grocery store. He goes to the old man
behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a
$15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do, Sonny. How would you like
that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"

I was walking passed the conference room where a sales training
session was in progress, when I overheard one of the salesmen
say, "I didn’t get that. Can you show me again?"

The head of sales said, "OK," as he began to get down on his
knees. "But I’m only going to show you this one more time..."


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