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Publication: Classic Bizarre
A little field research never hurt anyone.

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>          

          CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, October 10, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Colin Powell recently revealed that he was fired by 
President Bush. Do you agree that this was a good decision?

Question of the Week

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

I was out shopping with the wife this weekend. We were on 
our way home with several shopping bags full of necessities 
for my wife when I suggested we stop in to one of the local 
suburban eateries called Ruby Tuesday's for a bite. 

It was crowded for six o'clock on a Saturday, so we ended 
up taking a couple vacant seats at the bar. 

I started talking to the bar tender, whose name was Heather, 
and asked her if she had ever heard of Bizarre News. No luck. 
So I decided to do a little field research while we were 
having our ice frappuchinos. 

"So Heather," I asked, "how long have you been in food ser-

"Oh, about five years."

"Do you have any good bizarre stories you'd like to share? 
I promise I'll give you credit in my column if I use any of 

"No, just the usual weirdoes and stiffs." she said, tilting 
her head and putting on a reflective expression. "Although 
there was this one time a guy came in with his transvestite 
girlfriend and skipped out on the bill." 

"How could you tell she was a transvestite?" I asked. 

"She needed a shave."

"That would give it away, sure."

"They were making a real racket, ordering all sorts of ex-
pensive drinks and talking to the other customers. And the 
transvestite kept pinching her server's ass. We were getting 
ready to call the cops when they finally asked for the bill."

"Is that when they skipped?" 

"Yeah, the transvestite said she needed to use the bathroom, 
but what she really did was go pull the car up out front. 
When the server went to get the check the guy just bolted for 
the door. The poor server had to cover the whole bill. It was 
over one hundred dollars!" 

"Wow," I remarked, "I didn't think the old 'I usually bring 
my car keys to the bathroom' routine worked anymore." 

"Well, you gotta trust 'em," said Heather. "We'd get in REAL 
trouble if we didn't let somebody go to the bathroom because 
they LOOKED like they were going to skip on the bill." 

"It's a good point," I said putting my keys on the bar in 
plain view. "Excuse me a minute. I'll be right back."

If you want any more stories ask for Heather M. at Ruby 



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...

Classic Bizarre Forum

+------------------- Famous Last Words --------------------+

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
- Pancho Villa

"O.K. I won't." -Elvis Presley responding to his girlfriend's
request that he not fall asleep in the bathroom

"It's very beautiful over there." - Thomas A. Edison

"Why not? Why not?" - Timothy Leary

"I'm tired of fighting. I guess this is going to get me." -
Harry Houdini

"Remember me to my friends, tell them I'm a hell of a mess." 
- H.L. Mencken, essayist

"Monsieur, I beg your pardon." - Marie Antoinette, to her
executioner, after stepping on his foot accidentally

"Dying is a very dull affair. My advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it." - Author Somerset Maugham

"But, but, Mister Colonel-" - Benito Mussolini, executed 1945

"I'm not afraid to die, Honey...I know the Lord has his arms
wrapped around this big fat sparrow." - Blues singer Ethel

"I am about to, or, I am going to die. Either expression is 
used." - Dominique Bouhours, grammarian

"Never felt better." - Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. 

------ Burglars Videotape Their Accidental Confession ------

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - No issue of Bizarre News would
be complete without a stupid criminal story. After stealing
money and Christmas presents, 19-year-old Joseph Rios and
two accomplices decided to mark the occasion by videotaping
their new possessions. The 10-minute recording shows the
three laughing and bragging about their recent escapade 
and details the stolen items. The fun didn't end there. 
Rios then filmed his driver's license right before one of
the others used it to buy cigarettes. The 19-year-old has
since been slammed with a two to four year prison sentence,
and Montgomery County prosecutor Ted Barry said, "It's the
most bold and simultaneously stupid criminal act I've ever
encountered." He obviously doesn't read Bizarre News. 

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------------- Bad Snip Job Makes Idaho Man Snap ------------ 

POST FALLS, Idaho - Now here is what happens when a really 
bad hair day gets out of control. Paul Peyton of Post Falls, 
Idaho stopped inches from the shop window of Fantastic Sam's 
hair salon after being denied a refund because he didn't 
like the haircut he received. Peyton told police he never 
meant to hurt anyone, he just wanted his money back. He 
claimed he was so flustered when he left and accidentally 
put the truck in the wrong gear, when he was backing up. 
However, the salon owner told the court a different story. 
She claimed Peyton was so upset with his haircut he followed 
her to her other shop and drove his pick up at its window. 
Peyton now faces up to five years in jail and a handsome 
fine after being found guilty of aggravated assault. He is 
awaiting sentence.

---- Outing at the Nail Salon Ends in Finger Amputation ----

KANSAS CITY, Missouri - Reba Burgess had been frequenting 
the Fancy Nails salon for a year without any problems until
Mother's Day 1998. On this fateful visit, Burgess simply
wanted to get her nails polished, but the technician had to
first remove her acrylics. That's when they discovered the
first problem. According to the customer, "They filed again.
Then they drilled. They filed, drilled, picked, drill,
filed and soaked, and again." Over the next four hours,
technicians avoided her questions and her hands started 
bleeding. Burgess was satisfied the outcome, though, and
went home with a new set of nails. Enter problem number 
two. Just five days later, she went to the hospital and was
diagnosed with an infection that had moved into her bone.
Doctors had to amputate part of her index finger. Burgess
filed a lawsuit against the nail salon, and they reached
a compromise. She still remains devastated. "I cry a lot.
I hide my hand a lot. I'll never wear fingernail polish
again -- I'll never wear nails again," she said. Experts
suggest salon customers make sure the equipment is clean
and the chemicals are safe.  

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-------------- Sopranos Star Castrates Her Dog -------------

Another Sopranos star is making headlines. Drea de Matteo, 
who plays the sexy Adriana on the hit HBO mob series, 
absolutely loves her dog Cyrus. So much, in fact, that she 
wouldn't let her veterinarian castrate him - she did it 
herself. As reported by the Chicago Sun-Times, the actress
said "my dog Cyrus was having his prostate pressured by his
testicles," and so she took him to the vet. Only, SHE 
performed the castration. Her reasoning? "I wasn't going to 
let a stranger touch him in that private spot with a knife," 
she said. But of course. De Matteo didn't want Cyrus to be
traumatized by the surgery, so she kept the testicles and
preserved them in embalming fluid in a jar "in plain view 
so Cyrus knows they are there and not far away." Don't 
worry, though, because the dog will eventually be reunited 
with his testicles. After he dies, Drea plans to have his 
testicles reconnected and will then have the dog stuffed 
and mounted.

----- London Prisoner Wins Own Private Death Sentence -----

LONDON - The porcelain god may grant a violent prisoner a
different kind of "pardon" from his prison sentence. The man,
who was identified only as "W," told the High Court in London 
that he had been mutilating himself with porcelain from a 
broken toilet since December in the hope his wounds would 
become infected and lead to his death. High Court Family 
Division President, Dame Elizabeth Butler-Sloss described 
the case as "worrying" but ruled that the man had the mental 
capacity to refuse medical treatment if he did fulfill his 
wish to become ill as a result of what he has done. The 
prisoner, who is guarded by five prison officers and a dog 
handler, reportedly told the judge via a video link from 
prison he wanted to die because of the conditions he was 
kept in.

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, love the newsletter first of all...wanted you to know 
the most disturbing thing I've seen in ages....parked at the 
grocery store i had to wittness a beautiful Fat boy Harley 
covered in Brittiany Spears stickers...oh what is this world 
coming to? -shane
[Isn't there a law against that kind of abuse?]

Lewis, Your April, 23 issue was very witty, intellectual and 
thought provoking!  Who wrote it for you? -Kent

Lewis- Regardless of who you think killed Bonnie Lee Bakeley, 
Robert Blake still has a right to be tried by a jury of his 
peers.  He should not be convicted in the media before his 
trial has even begun.  I'll bet if you were on trial for 
murder, you'd hope the media would shut up at least long 
enough for you to go to trial. - Bruce
[Why? Who have you been talking to?]

This may be nit-picking, but Fred from Baretta was not a 
parrot.  He was a crested cockatoo.  They are similar, but 
not the same. -Bob J. Massie
[I've never even seen a parrot, but TZ says he's seen a cock-

Hi lewis, just wanted to let you know that after the police 
talked to fred he was no longer a parrot, but fred the stool 
pigeon. -chuck

I think "Legal Butt Love!" would be a great name for a band

Just a warning, if you take a Viagra pill don't take your 
Iron pills too... you'll just spin around and point North. 
[Thanks for the pointer, er...tip.] 

Lewis, I take exception of you making light of the "he needed 
killing" defense. We take any killing in Texas very seriously 
(as evidenced by our high execution rate). It might make 
folks from outside our state think twice before coming here 
and doing something stupid enough to land on death row. One 
last thing; Is it true that TZ got soo drunk in Australia he 
screwed a witch doctor who was disguised as an emu? -Sam
[No. The real story is that he overdosed on a prescription 
pain-killers and woke up the next morning with a sticky 
feather duster. All the rest of it is just him trying not 
to look like a complete ass.]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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