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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Getting Away With Murder

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>          

          CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, November 25, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
          
Colin Powell recently revealed that he was fired by 
President Bush. Do you agree that this was a good decision?

Question of the Week

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

A gross breach of justice is occurring right now in Los 
Angeles. Actor Robert Blake (of "Baretta" fame) and his 
bodyguard were arrested Thursday in the shooting death of 
Blake's wife nearly a year ago. 

After an exhaustive investigation and hundreds of interviews, 
Police Chief Bernard Parks said there was enough "physical 
and significant circumstantial evidence" to warrant the 
arrests. Police will ask prosecutors to charge Blake with 
one count of murder and two counts of solicitation of murder. 

In true LA fashion, the entire arrest was captured on video 
including the drive to the police station, filmed from a 
news helicopter. The whole episode smacked of O.J. and not 
a soul who owned a television in 1995 failed to recognize it. 

Now why should this poor bastard go to jail for liquidating 
his wife when "The Juice" is in Florida right now working on 
his short game? They are both marginal to poor actors. They 
were both decades past their prime at the times of their 
respective murders. If the system is going to grossly fail 
to dispense justice it must grossly fail to dispense justice 
for everyone equally! 

Of course, Blake may still go free after a year-long trial 
during which the networks will make hundreds of millions of 
dollars, but can America survive another such blow to its 
public image? Can Americans watch another such trial on 
television without turning to the streets and fire-bombing 
lawyers' offices in protest? 

Perhaps the fact that Blake looks a lot more like a murderer 
than O.J. did will weigh on the jury. 

The only hope we have is that Blake doesn't have nearly as 
much money as O.J. did at the time of his trial. But fear 
is still running high as Johnnie Cochran's office has been 
refusing telephone calls. 

Bizarrely,

Lewis


P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...

Classic Bizarre Forum


+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+
                           ENGLAND

Chelsea Pensioner may not be impersonated. 

It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public 
conveyance. 

In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in 
public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. 

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin. 

Anal sex is prohibited. 

It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is 
on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand 
is on the vehicle. 

In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and 
arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.  


                             ***


------------------------- Thank You ------------------------

SAN FRANCISCO - It's not nice to call someone "chicken butt" 
on the air - but it's not slanderous either. A state appeals 
court this week dismissed a slander lawsuit filed against a 
radio station by a former contestant of the Fox television 
show "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire." Jennifer Seelig 
sued KLLC-FM in San Francisco after a DJ called her a "local 
loser" and a "chicken butt." The Court of Appeal said Seelig 
had no cause to sue because she had invited media scrutiny 
when she agreed to appear on the TV show. It said the com-
ments were merely an expression of opinion. The court also 
ruled Seelig must pay the legal fees of the station and its 
employees under a state law that penalizes suits that seek 
to squelch free speech. 

[Taken from washingtonpost.com]

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------ Would-Be Thieves Learn For Whom The Bell Tolls ------ 
 
MERELBEKE, Belgium - The chiming bells of a Belgian church 
were not music to the ears of a pair of would-be thieves 
when the duo set them off during an attempted robbery. The 
bells were reportedly attached to the collection box they 
were trying to steal and began to toll as soon as they 
picked it up. This makeshift alarm system had been rigged 
up by the priest at St. Pieterschurch in Merelbeke who was 
worried about break-ins. The priest told reporters he 
called police when he hears the bells toll in the middle 
of the night. A man and woman have been arrested as sus-
pects in the attempted robbery.


- German Couple Makes Waves After Hours In Furniture Store -

GERMANY - How is this for quality control? A German couple 
received a firm scolding by police after they allegedly hid 
in a furniture store until it closed so they could test its 
water beds for sex. The amorous pair was caught by police 
after setting off alarms as they left after their four-hour 
love-making session. They told police they were worried 
about spending so much without a full test. Officers let 
them go with a warning about wasting police time. "Even 
though I got a telling off it was worth it - the sex was 
world class," the man later exclaimed to reporters. 

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--------- Another Semen-Smuggling Scheme Gone Awry ---------

PENNSYLVANIA - What do you do if you are a prison guard and
a mobster inmate tries to bribe you? You help him with his
semen-smuggling scheme, of course. Mobster Antonio Parla-
vecchio wanted to get his wife pregnant, but wouldn't be
seeing the light of day anytime soon. So, he bribed prison
guard Troy Kemmerer to smuggle out his "deposits" to his
wife, Maria. Between three smuggling attempts, prison
authorities somehow discovered the plot and charged the 
guard with bribery and conspiracy. Kemmerer has been sen-
tenced to 27 months in jail. Furthermore, the mobster 
received an additional racketeering charge good for six 
months added to his stay. All that, and the Mrs. didn't 
even get pregnant.


------------------- Another Oral Tragedy -------------------

ST ALBANS, Hertfordshire - A smirking exhibitionist got more 
than he bargained for when he tried approaching an unsus-
pecting target in the park. As he neared medical secretary 
Jacqui Jones and her German Shepherd named Tara, the dog 
defended its owner and attacked the man. He bit the flasher 
in the genitals, and the shocked perpetrator fled the scene. 
Jones told the local newspaper, "I could see the man was in 
a state of excitement but Tara wiped the smile off his face. 
He hobbled away doubled up in agony." Poor thing. Guess he 
won't be flashing anyone else for a while. 


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I want to tell you how much I love your newsletter. The stories 
are really high in quantity as well as quality. It is obvious 
that your staff puts a great deal of effort in each and every 
newsletter. Excellent! -Linda
[Yes, well, I'm very proud of my staff. I give my staff a lot 
of attention and it's nice when somebody notices.]


Where do I send my 36DD to? --Tracy
[That would be to me. Please provide picture of product in 
use.]


Actually, it goes a step further. It's only slander if you KNOW 
what you are saying is not true. -Cyn
[Then I should be completely safe, because I hardly ever know 
what the hell I'm saying.]


Dear Lewis: A few issues ago I read a story about a man with 
a brain tumor who decided to commit suicide, but by a freak 
accident shot off only his tumor. I told this to my psychology 
teacher, and he would like a copy of the article if possible. 
Is there any way you could resend me this portion? -Kathryn 
[Several readers wrote in to tell me that this story is an 
urban legend. Since I could never confirm it I hesitate to 
circulate it around.]


Lewis, think for a moment.  If the odds of hitting all five 
numbers in that big lottery are 1 in 76.2 million, whether 
they sell one ticket or ten billion tickets, it is still 1 
in 76.2 million that any particular ticket will hit. -martha
[I'll agree with that. Thanks for the correction.]



Maxim magazine claimed NYC the greatest city in the world. I 
thought that was so great until I travelled to Albuquerque 
from NJ, and had a connecting flight at Dallas where I saw 
the same magazine... and on the cover it said Dallas is the 
greatest city. I love the way people think evilly. -Amanda
[Those bastards. They did the same thing in Chicago.]


Hi. Whenever I go to unsubscribe to your newsletter the page 
won't come up.... Is there another way I can get off? -Sue
[Ahem...there are several methods by which you can get your-
self off...]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved. 

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