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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Amazing But True

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>          

          CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, October 13, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Should Dennis Hastert resign?

Question of the Week

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Somebody mailed me a list of "Sixty Amazing-but-True Facts" 
which I was very interested in reading. I'm always on the 
lookout for bizarre "factoids" that I can share with you. 

The first few were certainly bizarre, but seemingly within 
the realm of reality, such as, "Male rhesus monkeys often 
hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises."


"SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below." 

But after the first dozen they became so ridiculous as to be 
completely unbelievable. However, they still have some en-
tertainment value. So I have listed a few of the highlights 
for you below. 


The first McDonald's restaurant opened for business in 1952 
in Edinburgh, Scotland, and featured the McHaggis sandwich.

The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert 
Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.

The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in 
a 24-hour period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 
17.3 feet of a 4-lane concrete freeway.

Because printed materials are being replaced by CD-ROMs, 
microfiche and the Internet, libraries that previously sank 
into their foundations under the weight of their books are 
now in danger of collapsing in extremely high winds.

In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary 
box and consequently died of starvation.
[This one I kind of believe.]

Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of 
real camels.

University of Virginia researchers released a study promoting 
the practice of nose picking, claiming that the health bene-
fits of keeping nasal passages free from infectious blockages 
far outweigh the negative social connotations.

If you put a bee in a film canister for two hours, it will 
go blind and leave behind its weight in honey.
[Seems like somebody forgot about the Conservation of Matter 

Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, 
staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the 
intensity of orgasms.
[Get out the paint brushes and rollers, boys.]

In WWII the US military planned to airdrop over France pro-
paganda in the form of Playboy magazine, with coded messages 
hidden in the models' turn-ons and turn-offs. The plan was 
scrapped because of a staple shortage due to rationing of 
[That would have been quite an achievement since Playboy was 
founded by Hugh Hefner in 1953.]

Although difficult, it's possible to start a fire by rapidly
rubbing together two Cool Ranch Doritos.

Well, folks, cram that index finger up your nose and careful 
while eating your Doritos, it's time for Bizarre News.



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...

Classic Bizarre Forum

+-------------------- Bizarre Holidays --------------------+
                          MAY IS...

May is... Better Sleep Month.

May is... National Egg Month.

May is... National Barbecue Month. 

May is... Date Your Mate Month.

May is... Fungal Infection Awareness Month.

May 1 is... Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day.

May 3 is... Lumpy Rug Day.

May 9 is... Lost Sock Memorial Day.

May 11 is... Twilight Zone Day.

May 13 is... Leprechaun Day.

May 14 is... National Dance Like A Chicken Day.

May 15 is... National Chocolate Chip Day.

May 19 is... Frog Jumping Jubilee Day.

May 23 is... Penny Day.

May 24 is... National Escargot Day.

May 26 is... Grey Day.

May 29 is... End Of The Middle Ages Day.

May 30 is... My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day.

May 31 is... National Macaroon Day.


---- 3,500 Deadly Cobras Discovered in Residential Area ----

DHAKA, Bangladesh - When his wife found two cobras on their
property, Mantu Kasai didn't hesitate to call snake charmer
Dudu Miah to capture the venomous creatures. Cobras often
nest in houses, so Miah and his assistants searched beneath
the floors of two homes and discovered quite a nightmare. 
Expecting to find two cobras, the stunned snake charmers
unearthed over 3,000 deadly, slithering cobras and hundreds 
of eggs. Panic spread through the neighborhood as residents 
immediately fled their homes. Miah and his team were deter-
mined to look for more cobras in the surrounding area, but
couldn't decide what to do with the captured reptiles. No
one was injured.


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------- Holy Cow! Lab Clones Cow But Gets Ox Instead -------

SAO PAULO, Brazil - The wonders of modern technology. Scien-
tists at a Brazilian University tried to produce the first
cloned cow, but ended up with an ox. The staff is trying to
figure out how this could have happened. Either one of the
lab workers made a mistake and inseminated the cow with an
ox embryo, or as team Professor Jose Antonio Visintin said,
"She must have cheated on us!" They are considering the
possibility that the cow could have gotten pregnant by an
ox in a near field right before the insemination of the
cow embryo. Back to the drawing board.

-------- Come One, Come All to the Masturbate-A-Thon -------

Time to reach out and touch yourself - it's the fourth annual
"Come as You Are" Masturbate-A-Thon where people masturbate
for a good cause. As if you needed a reason. To raise funds
for women's health organizations (this year's charity is
the Hassle Free Women's Clinic), friends and family sponsor
the volunteer for every minute of masturbation. The par-
ticipants are on the honor system and decide how long they 
want to masturbate. The event is broken into several cate-
gories, and the top fundraisers win prizes. For instance, 
if the participants use a vibrator or porn, they can enter 
the "Plug In" section for a top prize of $100 off their 
May electricity bill. Other categories include "Turn On" 
for battery users, the self-explanatory "Lube Up" section, 
and "Get Off." Anything for a good cause.

45 Fantastic Fights of the Century

Store Price: $14.99

For the first-time-ever you can get 45 of the greatest boxing
matches of the 20th century on one collectible DVD. And get 
this... you can get it for JUST $3.99.

Every fight fan will want to own this historic treasure that
features boxing greats like Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano, Sugar 
Ray Robinson, and many more.

It's over two (2) hours of non-stop footage. Grab one for
the fight fan you know. It will make a one-of-a-kind gift.
45 Fantastic Fights DVD

---- Frosted Folicles Hair Raising Idea For Balding Men ---- 

SAN FRANCISCO - I have heard of "frosting" your hair before,
but never quite like this. Hairogenics Inc., a San Francisco-
based start-up company, has created a new subterranean hair 
storage service to preserve a client's hair samples fresh 
until science can devise a way to "clone" hair from DNA. 
Hairogenics has promised their clients to keep their hair 
safe and secure in its vault underneath a Portland, Oregon 
hair salon -- vacuum-sealed in waterproof packages and 
stored in a darkened, temperature-controlled environment to 
protect it from light and moisture. Hairogenics reportedly 
has signed up some 200 clients for its service already, 
which costs $50 for the initial sample plus an additional 
$10 annual storage fee. Officials at the Male Pattern Bald-
ness Research, a Florida-based group that compiles infor-
mation on the causes and treatments for baldness, said the 
hair vault would probably be "lucrative but unnecessary" 
since balding heads retain at least some hair that could 
eventually be cloned.

-------- Jury Finds Flasher's Story Un-bee-lievable -------- 

NORWAY - I've heard of having ants in your pants, but this 
is ridiculous. An accused flasher told an Oslo court that he 
unzipped his pants in public because he had a wasp in his 
trousers. About a dozen people, including several children, 
were waiting for a subway train when the 36-year-old man 
allegedly walked up, pulled out his penis and began to play 
with himself. The man told the court that he had a bee or 
wasp in his trousers and had to open them up to let the 
dangerous insect out. He also claimed that he was wearing 
underwear at the time and so could not have exposed himself. 
The court 'stung' the man by discounting his story and he 
received a 30-day suspended sentence since he had no prior 

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hi Lewis, In your recent newsletter you are telling about 
some people in France rioting about an election and you 
stated, "Police responded by firing tear gas and molesting 
small farm animals." Are you sure that the police were mol-
esting small farm animals.  If so, why?  This sounds like 
something the rioters might have done not the police? -Kay
[Hey, do I criticize Italian women for not shaving thier 
armpits, or Germans for having no personality? To each 
their own, as long as stay away from my pets.]

Lewis, Whoever writes your "READER COMMENTS" should write 
the rest of the column. -Jim in MO
[We all have to do our part, Jim.]

Hi Lewis, I need some advice. My boyfriend and I had plans 
for saturday night, but that afternoon his boss called him 
and asked him to come into work the next morning, and he 
said he was available. Fine, but then he insisted he had to 
go to bed early, and so our evening was cut short. He said 
he feels bad saying no to his boss, but he seems happy to 
say it to me. What should I do? -Kaya
[I'll tell you what always got my attention...sit on his 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity 
unimportant. I'm a sweet, good-looking girl who LOVES to 
play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup 
truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter 
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me 
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me 
respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from 
work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm 
yours. Call 555-9764 and ask for Daisy." 

Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society 
about an eight-week-old black Lab retriever. 
[There are laws against this kind of thing in most states.]

Hey Louis...what's your take on Chadwick? Would really like 
to know. -Lauren
[To quote Vito Corleone, "Barzini's a pimp." And I think 
that's about the best I can say for Chadwick. Seriously, 
though, I can't cast too many stones. I have to work in the 
same office as the guy, after all.]

I saw on Headline News where Illinois Lawmakers are pushing 
for a bill to make owning Monkeys and other exotics illegal. 
Does this mean you will have to get rid of TZ ?
[Yellow flag! Unnecessary roughness! I'll have you know that 
TZ is already the third generation in his family to walk up-

Hey Lewis, I really enjoy Bizarre News, keep up the good work. 
Anyway did you know that Robert Blake was one of The Little 
Rascals? He played Micky, in the ladder years of the show. I 
can just hear it now, "hey gang wanna help me kill my wife? 
O tay!"  It's a sick world I'm glad you and TZ are in it. 
[I did not know that, but it makes sense. They say those gang 
affiliations last a lifetime.]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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