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Publication: Classic Bizarre
New 401k plan.

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   <<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>

CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, March 9, 2007
"A wild journey into the history of the most
bizarre stories EVER."
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Today the company unveiled its brand-new 401K plan. It was
pretty exciting. A small group of guys from some investment
company came in and gave everybody an overview of how it
worked. Here are a few of the highlights...

Investment guy: "Your minimum investment is applied to a
variable blend style equity approach involving a multi-phase
market value adjustment amortized over a four month fiscal
quarter with a risk to return profile ranging from high to
above average focused on sectors weighted in everything from
textiles to rubber dog shit manufacturing, depending,
of course, on your vestment which is scaled over a six-year
rate of twenty percent per year with your first year being
zero and your last year being two years after you retire.
Are there any questions?

Lewis: "Yes. Can I get a free sample of the rubber dog shit?"

Anyway, I now have something to supplement that five gallon
jar of pennies I've been saving for my retirement.

Also...Bizarrenews.com updates!

I was digging through the archives and came across several
interviews that never made it into the Bizarre News Press
Box. Take a trip over to www.bizarrenews.com and click on
"Press Box" at the bottom of the page for the updated con-
tent. It includes the interview with "Candice" so don't say
I didn't tell you!

Bizarrely,

Lewis


P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum

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--------------------+ Bizarre Phobias +---------------------

Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body.

Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.

Olfactophobia- Fear of smells.

Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.

Politicophobia- Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.

Anablephobia- Fear of looking up.

Cypridophobia - Fear of prostitutes or venereal disease.

Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.

Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.

Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.

Mycophobia- Fear or aversion to mushrooms.

Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.

Rhytiphobia- Fear of getting wrinkles.

Spacephobia- Fear of outer space.

Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.

------------------------------------------------------------
Get Out & Walk... You'll Be Glad You Did!

One of the easiest and best forms of exercise is walking.
But did you know there are certain things to do when
walking that will help you achieve better health?

Let Leslie Sansone's revolutionary DVD convert the space
in front of your television into a fat burning, body
shaping, health improvement walking track.

The "Older Adults Walk & Firm" DVD is even more effective
than an outdoor or treadmill walk. You'll perform a
combination of simple walking based steps and proven
firming exercises, that will keep your muscles strong,
boost your metabolism and increase your energy. And
we've discounted the price to get you started. Pick-up
this DVD for just $9.99. Get more info or order at:
Older Adults Walk & Firm DVD
------------------------------------------------------------


------- Crack Houses: Day Care Centers Of The Future -------

GRAND RAPIDS, Michigan - In a panic, a Michigan man called
the police to help him locate his lost son. Fortunately, the
crack house where he left him kept the child out of harm's
way. James Jackson told police he left his three-year-old
son at the drug den where he went to get his cocaine, but
forgot which one it was. The toddler spent the night in the
confines of the crack house and was then found, unhurt, at
a church where a man and woman had dropped him off.


-------------------- Let Them Be Moist --------------------

ENGLAND - Along with rape, fighting and rioting, another
problem has risen within the department of corrections:
dry skin. Anne Owers, Chief Inspector of Prisons in England,
feels that detainees in a youth jail should have moisturizer
provided for them. In the last six months, there have been
five cases of scabies, while many others suffer from very
dry skin. Owers blames the poor skin conditions on a lack
of staff support. Although many agree that the issue should
be addressed, the idea of bringing a moisturizing lubricant
into a youth prison may not be the most intelligent of choices.

------------------------------------------------------------
BRIEFCASE/LAPTOP BAG

Normal Price: $19.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99

Plain and simple this is one heck of a deal. Discounted
below cost, you'll want to pick up a couple. Makes a
great gift. Check it out by visiting:
Briefcase/Laptop Bag

------------------------------------------------------------

-------- Now, One Hundred and TWO Uses For Duct Tape --------

CHICAGO, Illinois - Is there any job that duct tape cannot
do? U.S. Army researchers have found yet another use for this
legendary aid. If you've got a pesky wart that you'd like to
remove, waltz on over to the tool shed and find yourself a nice
roll of duct tape. Taking about a month to work, taping over
the wart will suffocate the growth, and the resulting dead
tissue can then be gradually rubbed off with an emery board
or pumice stone. Now, those suffering from unsightly growths
can head to the hardware store instead of the doctor's office
to rid themselves of the common wart.

------------------------------------------------------------
GopherCentral's Question of the Week

Will President Bush be a valuable asset to
Republicans in the 2008 elections?

Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Gophercentral.com

------------------------------------------------------------

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
------------------------------------------------------------
**--- BIZARRE PHOTO ---**
Looking for an image that will burn into your psyche forever?
Find the Bizarre photo of the week at:
http://www.bizarrenews.com
************************************************************
Not Enough Bizarre In This Issue? Then Visit EVTV1.com:
Bizarre Videos

Archive link: Classic Bizarre Archives

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MORE FUN, AMUSEMENT AND PUBS: http://www.gophercentral.com
More F-R-E-E Newsletters Here

------------------------------------------------------------

END OF CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS
http://www.bizarrenews.com
Copyright 2007 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

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