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Publication: Up Yours!
And remember, p0rn makes a great Christmas gift.

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            UP YOURS! - Saturday, December 16, 2006
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        * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Perverts,   

Every now and again I like to offer advice and helpful hints   
to my readers as a form of public service. Considering the   
fact that most of my subscriber base has the social standing   
of a dead otter I have tailored this segment to cater to their   
particular interests. Toward this end I would like to offer   
the essential DOs and DON'Ts of pornography shopping.   

* Keep to yourself:   

When you first visit your neighborhood pornographer you'll   
see a number of seedy looking men standing around with their   
hands in their pockets. A couple of them may glance up at   
you as you enter the room. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT! This is   
very important for two reasons. First: men like to imagine   
they're the only ones in the store. The anonymity makes it   
less embarrassing to look at naked boobs. Second: if your   
next door neighbor is picking up the latest issue of Swank,   
do you really want to know about it?   

* Have a shopping agenda:   

If there is anything that makes you look more like a pervert   
than just walking through the door it's browsing around for   
two hours sporting a chubby. As any vendor will tell you, a   
porn shop is not a library. You should already know if you're   
into tit mags, bondage mags, interracial mags or whatever, so   
there is no need to look at every single porno on the shelves.   
Once you've identified a magazine in your interest, a brief   
perusal of the pictorals should be enough to determine if   
you want to buy it. DO NOT stand there and read everything   
from the masthead to the phone sex ads on the inside back   

* Avoid the gay section:   

This does not include lesbian oriented publications which   
are completely fine considering most guys would give their   
left index finger to make it with two lesbian chicks. What   
you want to avoid is the "male" gay section of the store.   
You will know you've entered this section because the   
magazines will have titles like: Ass Masters, Stick 'em Up   
or Back Door Boys, and the cover models will tend to be   
dressed in leather outfits or sailor uniforms. If you've   
accidentally wandered into this area glance up at the lights   
or pretend to look at the blow-up dolls displayed on the   
overhead shelves and quickly but casually make your way   
back to the magazines with women on the covers.   

NOTE: The Federal government requires adult book stores to   
include gay sections so the FBI can keep a list of everyone   
who buys gay pronography.   

* Avoid getting the ValuPacs:   

Shop smart! When you buy a car you take it for a test drive   
first. You should be able to do the same with your porno.   
A quick flip through the pages will tell you volumes about   
the quality of the models and the photography. Sometimes you   
will see several magazines shrinkwrapped together with a top   
name title in front. These are called ValuPacs and they are   
designed with only one purpose; to move really low quality   
product. Many novice shoppers are lured in by the dirt-cheap   
price tag, but the magazines inside the ValuPacs are always   
imported rags with titles like El Pechos Grande! The only   
exceptions to this rule are the triple X mags. These are   
also usually sealed, but you'll be able to tell by the price   
and the cover model what you're getting yourself into.   

With these few pearls of wisdom you should be able to navigate   
even the most treacherous adult book and video store without   
getting arrested. If you can't, don't call me to bail you out.

I need a drink, 


P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post 
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum


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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

ChappedWick...dude! Last Saturday's "Up Yours" was a bit 
boring and appeared to have very little effort put into it 
on your part. Even your reader comment insults looked like 
you put no heart into them! What's the matter, dude...not 
feeling well? Is that Mad Cow disease you caught while 
fucking that dairy cow that you thought was a five titted 
woman flaring up again? C'mom, man! Stop rump humping those 
elves at the Santa display in the local mall and get into 
the Christmas spirit! --Kevin
[Eh.. fuck off, or something.]

C-Dick, I have noticed that you have fucked a lot of your   
subscribers mothers. I need to know, so I will ask. Did you   
fuck mine? --Mark   
[Doubt it. I'm not into beastiality.]

hey braindead,   give up the porn?....hullo?   What a bad 
idea.   Most of your pointers were pretty cool.  But give 
up the porn?  Have you ever heard of free porn?  Its kinda 
hard to get off on 11 second clips, but I kind of look at 
it as a challenge.  Anyway, my gal took up to calling me 
queeksdraw, how cute!  Now excuse me while I replay this 
[Try jerking it to still images.]

Dear Chadwick; What do you want for Christmas in the way of 
material possessions? --Nancy 
[How about a pair of your worn panties?]

Is it just a substitute teacher's fantasy, or is there some-
thing wrong with me that I find those Santa letters so 
friggin' funny? --Lynn
[No...there's probably something wrong with you.]

Hey Chadwick, I was hoping to be able to run an idea past 
you. Next time you decide to post one of your loser sub-
scriber written collums, don't, but instead, hand the pen 
to TZ's wife. I'm sure you see her often enough to ask her 
(wink), I'm interested to know how she met TZ, what made 
her marry him, let him reproduce etc. --Lorraine
[Oh, I've met TZ's wife a few times. She's very nice, but 
nervous around stangers. You have to approach her slowly 
and let her sniff your hand a little bit until she gets 
comfortable with you.]

Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it 
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick

ARCHIVES: Up Yours! Archives
More FREE Fun and Amusement via email! www.gophercentral.com 

End of UP YOURS! 
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved. 

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