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Publication: Up Yours!
Drop the chicken and grab a c0cX.

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           UP YOURS! - Saturday, September 2, 2006

             Embarrass Friends and Family 
         with the Remote Control Secret Farter

Move over rubber whoopie cushion, the new age of technology
has replaced you with the SECRET FARTER. Just hide the 3"
speaker on or near the vicinity of your "victim", press the 
remote button that is small enough to keep in your pocket, 
and watch the embarrassment begin. Now you can provide hours
of entertainment for only $7.99 when you visit: 

The Secret Farter

        * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Fat-asses,   

I had a revelation the other night while I was having a drink   
with a friend at a local bar. When the bartenderess came   
over to take our drink orders she flashed me a gorgeous smile.   
For a moment I was captivated. She had thick, honey blond   
hair, hazel eyes and perfect teeth.   

In fact, she was so attractive that it took me a couple moments   
to notice that she was a fat, bloated cow! I mean, she wasn't   
just pleasantly plump, because there is nothing wrong with a   
woman with a few curves. This bitch was a porker. When she   
turned to walk away her ass looked like a pair of bulldogs   
wrestling in a nylon sack (but at least she had as ass...the   
most pathetic thing in the world is a fat chick with no ass).   

And it struck me that there is really no reason for such an   
attractive young woman to have a body like a manatee. It's   
just a damned shame. It's wasteful. And worst of all...it's   
unnecessary! If you're ugly as sin and you weigh 275 pounds,   
it's not so much of a tragedy. It's not like you were going   
to get laid anyway. So you might as well have some physical   
pleasure in your life, vis-a-vis a whole barbecue chicken for   
breakfast every day.   

But if you're an attractive woman...but you just happen to   
be fifty or a hundred pounds overweight, the solution is oh,   
so simple once you see it. You need to become a total slut.   

I know what you're thinking...how much opportunity is there   
for a fat chick to get laid? More than you might imagine.   
There is a world full of pathetic, desperate guys out   
there who are dying to get laid by any means necessary. And   
you...you corpulent cuties...are that means. Sure, you're   
going to be doing losers at first, but you're a loser too,   
so why stand on pride?   

And here's the payoff. Do you know how many calories sex   
burns? Over 200 calories for one session. On average. If you   
put in really energetic performances you could conceivably   
burn a thousand calories in one night!   

And there's an additional benefit, too. If you're spending   
all of your free time either on your back or on your knees,   
you're not going to have a lot of time for chicken wings and   
mashed potatoes and gravy, are you? And, really, who wants   
to eat after they've had a cock in their mouth all night?   

I guarantee...take this approach and within weeks the pounds   
will be melting off. Do it all! Oral, anal, lesbian, tag   
teams, the more you can handle the faster that thin, hot chick   
inside you will come out...and with her will come all of your   
self-esteem...if you can get over the fact that you're a dirty   

And if you're a good-looking fat dude, well, either get on a   
diet or go fuck yourself, because nobody else will.

I need a drink, 


P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post 
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum


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"I've got an idea; how about you go get a spoon, then you 
can eat my ass."  --Tyler Dodd


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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I don't know where you heard it but... I just looked up 
Christopher Walken.......He's NOT dead! --Debora
[He's not?! Huh! Must have been wishful thinking. He 
certainly looks it, though, doesn't he?]

You fuck head Chadwick. This is an old clip actually 
featuring Christopher Walken, not a digitised version as 
you seem to think it is. Don't you watch anything on TV 
besides sport and porn? How about reading the clips that 
go with the videos on your own page, dumb-arse. --Steve
[Let me put it this way...I don't watch sports.]

What do you think of Ann Coulter? --John
[Eh. She's a little scrawny, but I'd fuck her.]

You got on my nerve preaching like Pat Robertson or Falwell 
last week...now you are making like Who???  Hell if I know.
Look, we subscribe in order to get a laugh from being in-
sulted, riduculed, put-down or f**ked over in general. But 
not bored to death! Man, get yo shit together before I find 
somebody else to metaphorically fart in my face. --Don
[Why don't you use your dog for that? You're probably down 
there tea-bagging his balls already.]

Dear Chadwick; You are just jealous because you can't dance 
like Christopher Walken.  How many people wrote in and told 
you he wasn't dead? Love always, Nancy
[Only about a dozen. Fuck, I didn't think so many people 
gave a shit about a B-rate, mostly dead actor.]

Hey, katie's idea is nothing new, been around for centuries. 
It's called an orphanage, and when it comes down to a choice 
between staying there and being adopted by a regular family, 
even these kids don't have to strain themselves to figure 
out which is better. --Dennis

You article on "it takes a village" was  EXCELLENT...I wish 
it could get more exposure.  Thanks for doing the research 
and making a great argument covering all the bases.  Fuck 
you anyway....Lee
[Ahhh...thank you. My ass has been on fire since I had that 
burrito last night and it needed at the kissing you just 
gave it.]

you fucking rock, Chadwick. Katie is a twinkie and should 
be shot.  "Political correctness" is neither political nor 
correct. Most of these sorry assholes just haven't a clue 
about accepting and dealing with personal responsibility. 
Now go spank yourself, dickhead. Love, Lynne

Your column is better when you, Chapbrains, SHUT THE FUCK 
UP and present what other, more intelligent people have to 
say. Katie actually had an idea. You don't You spout the 
same 'fear of god' bullshit over and over. Go fear your 
god, asshole. You entirely neglected to mention that in 
this day and age, you don't let kids out of your sight 
outdoors, because they could quickly be snapped up by some 
paedophile predator, much like yourself. But when I was 
young, I could go all over the neighborhood, learning from 
each neighbor I stopped to interact with. THIS is how a 
'villiage' raises a child, moron. It's something that porn-
obsessed pricks like you have utterly destroyed for the 
children of today. --Chuck
[True enough. Children are not nearly as safe on the street 
as they were 25-30 years ago. Kind of refutes the idea of 
letting the 'village' raise your child, doesn't it? And 
who were those neighbors 25-30 years ago who your parents 
trusted so much to let you wander around unsupervised among 
them? They were the generation who didn't get divorced, who 
weren't afraid to beat the bloody hell out of their kids 
and who went to church and synagogue and did other family 
activities together. If Dad had an affair or beat his wife 
she buttoned her lip and started drinking and abusing pre-
scription sedatives, like God intended.]

Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it 
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick

To view recent issues visit: Up Yours! Archives
More FREE Fun and Amusement via email! www.gophercentral.com 

End of UP YOURS! 
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved. 

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