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Publication: Up Yours!
You can always sell a kidney.

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            UP YOURS! - Saturday, December 2, 2006
Hundreds of hilarious, bizarre and outrageous video clips at: 

You'll Be Amazed At The Stunts It Performs!

Store & TV Price: $29.99
OUR PRICE: $19.99

Already flying off the shelves, The Ramper is shaping
up to be the #1 RC Product this year. This powerful
car can do just about anything! 

What makes it unique are the five (5) wheels that allow
for flexibility, power and precision. 

The middle wheel lights up and the other four wheels work 
like arms, allowing the car to stand up, spin, flip, and 
even go down and up stairs. This stunt car comes complete 
with rechargeable batteries, a charger and a 9V battery 
for the controller. Get your Ramper RC Stunt Car early
before stocks are depleted. Visit: Ramper RC Stunt Car

        * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Jack Asses,   

I just read a story reporting that Americans are deeper in   
credit card debt than ever before. And despite a weak job   
market, we have no plans to rein in our spending.   

A survey by Reuters indicated that only 39 percent said they   
paid off their monthly balance in full, down from 43 percent   
a year ago.   

Clearly this is a problem, so I have decided to help the poor   
bastards on my list who might be in a similar predicament. I'm   
going to help you solve your credit card debt!   


Accumulating debt is a simple matter of spending more than   
you make. To make sure we don't do this we create what is   
known as a "budget." To start your budget make a list of all   
of your monthly expenses. It will look a lot like this...   

Rent:          $600   
Auto loan:     $250   
Insurance:      $95   
Fuel:           $80   
Phone:          $70   
Cell phone:     $45   
Gas:            $40   
Electricity:    $50   
Food:          $160   
Cable:          $70   
Porn:           $40   
Entertainment: $400   
Total:       $1,900   

Then you balance it against your income:   

We'll be generous and give you...   

$14/hour x 40 = $560/week   

$560 x 4.3 weeks (allowing for the months you will get 5   
paychecks) = $2,408   

Now Uncle Sam gets his 30% = $1,685 net.   

Now let's do some simple math.   

Expenses:    $1,900   
Income:    - $1,685   

             - $215   

Hey! Guess where all of your credit card debt comes from?   


It's time to make a few sacrifices.   

1.) Get rid of that cell phone. No one wants to talk to you   
   anyway. -$45   
2.) Cut down on your long distance calls. -$20   
3.) Get basic cable. -$20   
4.) Cut down on your entertainment. You don't need to eat   
   out five days a week, fat ass. -$100   
5.) Here's the hard part. You've got to give up that porn,   
   boy. -$40   

So you've saved $225 in expenses. Now, all of a sudden, you're   
spending $1,675 and earning $1,685. Congratulations, you've   
balanced your budget.   


So what are we going to do with our surplus? I know. Spend it!   
Wrong, snapperhead. You won't be able to pay off the stick   
of gum you borrowed from the hooker who lives in the apart-   
ment next to yours unless you have some kind of savings. It   
doesn't matter if you can only set aside five dollars a week.   


Ever since my plane got delayed overnight in Pittsburgh and   
I was stuck without cash I have been an advocate of having   
a credit card. But it should be used for emergencies. "My   
engine blew up." Or, "Doc, can you give me something for this   
green moss growing on my dick?" Or, "Holy shit, I'm stranded   
in Pittsburgh!"   

Do not use it for:   

* New stereo.   
* New clothes you don't need.   
* Blowing money on that bitch you're trying to impress who   
 won't fuck you.   
* Gambling.   
* Blowing money on that bitch you're trying to impress who   
 will fuck you.   


If you can't pay your balance in one month, don't put any-   
thing else on the card until you have it paid off.   


I was absolutely astounded to learn that bitches can make up   
to $2,000 each for a viable egg. Plus, guys can earn up to   
$40 a pop for sperm, but that's only if you don't have any   
sexually transmitted diseases, so that rules out most of you.   
But, you can make a few thousand bucks for a kidney. 

I need a drink, 


P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post 
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum


And We've Got A Cool & Unique Dinosaur Item for Under $2

Growing Dinosaur Egg Pets are the coolest new way to hatch 
yourself a new friend.

You kids will delight as they watch their little reptile 
egg hatch into Dinosaur. The excitement grows as the egg begins
to crack open and slowly a baby dinosaur appears.

It's so easy... Simply put the egg into a container of water 
and wait for the hatching. When out of the egg remove the shell 
and place the dinosaur into its own larger container of water, 
and it will continue to grow and grow. 

These novel pets are obviously not living creatures, but are 
highly amusing. Amaze your children with this educational and 
fun experiment. These toys are NON-TOXIC. Oh and the best 
part is the price... get an egg for just $1.99. Visit:

Growing Dinosaur Egg Pets


"Let me tell you my thoughts about tax relief. When your 
economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let 
people have more of their own money." 

  --George W. Bush, Boston, Oct. 4, 2002


Looking For The Perfect Gag Gift That Is Functional?
Check out the MOVING LIPS RADIO...

Store Price: $12.99

You can't help but laugh when you see this. And it's even 
more funny to see the expression on someone else's face 
when they open it up as a gift.

This whimsical radio features a pair of red lips that move 
in sync to the DJ or singer on the radio. It looks like 
the radio is talking to you. Lightweight and compact so 
you can take anywhere. Includes station scan, telescoping 
antenna and volume control. See a picture or order at: 

Funny Moving Lips Radio

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Somehow I subscribed years ago and started receiving your 
newsletter.  I opted out about 2 or 3 years ago but somehow 
Up Yours! started popping back into my inbox.  You're a 
funny mother fucker.  Like in a Dane Cook but better sort 
of way.  Hope you're as good looking. Sometimes it just 
makes my day, hehe. --Ginny
[Don't worry, I'm plenty good-looking. Not that it would 
matter to you. Have you ever heard the phrase, Beggers can't 
be choosers?]

Hi Chadwick, Have you every done your cousin? --Ed Wagner
[Not unless I'm related to your mom somehow.]

Oh Chad baby I wanted to write and tell you that you make me 
crack up everytime I read your comments to these sissy ass 
writers.Keep um cummin! If you know what I mean?
[Unfortunately, all too well.]

Hey Cad-wink, Do you say what you think because you have no 
friends? Or is that why you have no friends? --Mister X
[Listen, buddy, all those people hang out at your house 
because your mom is a whore. It doesn't mean they're your 

One question:  Are you as quick-witted and smart-mouthed in 
real life as you are on-line or do you actually sit at home 
and have to think for hours on end about these comments you 
make? --Danielle Hulse
[I give you people as much time and attention as you deserve, 
Danielle, and not a minute more.]

Not selling enough of that horney goat-weed, honey?  Probably 
should have mentioned to your readers that it wasn't meant to 
be smoked.  Some xmas order action?  You got it, Chad: I'd 
like to get the Carmen Electra dance/workout video and the 
video on the Mid-East: "Lifting the Fog".   Can I order them 
through your newsletter, and if so, how do I do it so you get 
the 'atta-boy'? I'd still like to hear about the fondue fire...
heehee. --Lynnie
[I bet you would, dick-bait. You'll have to buy me a few 
drinks before I spill that story. But the videos I can set 
you up with...]

Click here for: Lifting the Fog

Click here for: Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease DVD

Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it 
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick

To see more issues visit: Up Yours! Archives
More FREE Fun and Amusement via email! www.gophercentral.com 

End of UP YOURS! 
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved. 

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