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Publication: Fifty & Furthermore
Sex, Continued

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    FIFTY & FURTHERMORE - Monday, October 16, 2006   

I'm Dr. Dorree Lynn, founder of FiftyandFurthermore.com. 
Growing older can be a time for creative and passionate 
living, and I will apply my years  as a psychologist to 
help you with the challenges and  wonders that come with 
this new life stage.   
------------------------------------------------------------   

Hello and welcome to FIFTY & FURTHERMORE!   

Below are some more reader reactions on the importance of   
sex in marriage and a clarification from the initial   
writer. If you would like to make a comment or ask me a   
question, please email me at the address below and as   
always, I will do all I can to provide you with the advice   
you seek.   

As I always say, life is too hard to do alone -   
reach out!   

Dr. Dorree Lynn, Psychologist   


Please send questions and comments to:   
email Dr. Lynn   


Question:   

The love of my life developed prostrate cancer and his   
life saving surgery ended our sex lives.  While I missed   
our sex life greatly, I do not regret staying with him   
for the seventeen years that he lived after the drastic   
surgery.  I wish so much that he could have lived longer.   
I sincerely hope that new treatments have progressed to   
the point that drastic surgeries such as his are no   
longer necessary.  He felt so sorry for me!!  Can you   
imagine that?   

Answer:   

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you truly had   
a relationship full of love for one another and self-   
lessness. While it is a shame you were not able to have   
a sex life, your situation forced you to find other ways   
to express your love that perhaps others may not explore.   
Thank you for sharing your story.   

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Question:   

Being married over 40 years I learned a long time ago   
there are other things in a relationship besides sex,   
but it's way ahead of whatever is in second   
place!   

Answer:   

Clearly it is important to realize that a relationship   
cannot survive on good sex alone. But, as you have   
pointed out, sexuality - or more importantly, SENSUALITY -   
is a key factor in a successful marriage. Even if one   
cannot engage in sexual intercourse, being intimate with   
one's partner can enhance both physical and psychological   
well-being - at any age.   

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Question:   

I'm the one who wrote you about having a sexless marrige.   
My wife was taught that sex was only for procreation.  And   
therapy was out of the question as she was also taught that   
mental illness was a shameful thing and you had to be crazy   
to go to therapy. Naturally, I did not know this when we   
got married.  Also, I later found out that she was sexually   
abused by a family member when she was little.  We did go   
to counseling concerning the sex issue and I was told she   
was not a good candidate for therapy.   
   
I then proceeded to have numerous affairs, justifying to   
myself that if I wasn't having sex at home, it was OK.  I   
then decided that sex was either going to break up my   
marrige or to save my marrige, I would have to give up sex.   
With the help of numerous therapists, I decided to save my   
marrige.  We are now a loving elder couple that has found   
a way to care for each other and without sex!   

Answer:   

Thank you for clarifying your story. While I am delighted   
that you and your wife were able to save your marriage and   
have found other ways to express love, I can't help but   
question the individual who informed you that your wife   
was not a good candidate for therapy. You say she did   
attend counseling with you initially, and I believe that   
anyone who willingly goes to see a therapist (even if it   
was for you) is indeed a good candidate. (Not to mention   
anyone whose husband is having affairs!) I also question   
why you were unaware of these very important values your   
wife holds prior to your marriage. Even though you were   
able to adapt to your wife's values and are now content,   
it was not without much strife that seems as though it   
could have been avoided had there been more communication   
early on. Let your story serve as a reminder to other   
readers that any deep-set views regarding sex, children,   
money, etc. should be discussed way before the wedding   
plans are made. Especially at fifty and furthermore, we   
often are happy with the values we have internalized and   
a potential mate needs to be aware of what they are.   
Thank you for your openness in writing me, and I hope   
you and your wife continue to find ways to care for one   
another, with or without sex.   

------------------------------------------------------------   
     For more insight and advice from Dr. Lynn visit:                
fiftyandfurthermore.com   
------------------------------------------------------------   

          GopherCentral's Question of the Week   

Topical, timely, controversial, click the link to answer   
this week's GopherCentral.com Question of the Week.   

     Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:        
Question of the Week   
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