Publication: Fifty & Furthermore
POST-nuptial agreements | |
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FIFTY & FURTHERMORE - Monday, December 11, 2006
"I'm Dr. Dorree Lynn, founder of FiftyandFurthermore.com.
Growing older can be a time for creative and passionate
living, and I will apply my years as a psychologist to
help you with the challenges and wonders that come with
this new life stage."
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Hello and welcome to FIFTY & FURTHERMORE!
Today I will touch on a variety of topics affecting readers.
If you would like to make a comment or ask me a question,
please email me at the address below and as always, I will
do all
I can to provide you with the advice you seek.
As I always say, "life is too hard to do alone - reach
out!"
Dr. Dorree Lynn, Psychologist
Please send questions and comments to:
email Dr. Lynn
Question:
Just a comment that may assist some of the readers. I am
an 81+ senior, invaded France on Utah beach head, survived
lung cancer (Good Lord, when I see the things that we now
avoid that were in everyday use when I was working, its a
wonder that I am still alive! Probable careful choice of
good genes.)
After outlasting a bout of clinical depression in my late
30's I have found the secret of happiness is doing things
that lead to a joyful completion. Build something out of
wood, learn to make pottery, plant a garden (My least
favorite, too slow) learn to knit, crochet or do bead work.
Because as long as you sit in front of the TV and think
about your aches and pains and how lonely you are you will
be miserable.
Right now my wife and I (A lady I met on the net from
across the country) are learning chess. Sometimes one is
ahead and sometimes the other, but it is teaching us to
use our minds again. Besides the chess, I am building
another wooden sail boat, re-building my home made tele-
scope, planning on putting up an antenna for my amateur
radio station, and want to build a clock with wood gears.
While my wife is writing poetry and has self published
one book and working on the next. Yes, of course we have
the health problems common to our age (I really need that
"Geezer nap" each day.) and take our meds as directed.
But along with this we are active in several community
tasks such as the local library, book clubs, chamber of
commerce and attend town council meetings etc. To all
those seniors who feel useless and un-loved (Try a town
council and you can be hated and loved at the same time)
As I learned through the battles of WW2 as an infantry
private. "If you are pinned down by enemy fire, do some-
thing! Even if it is wrong it is better than just lying
there." The same applies in the battle of life, do some-
thing, it may be wrong but it can't be worse than doing
nothing. I just hope the Good Lord will be kind enough
to allow me to finish some of my projects since I have
a lot more to take up when these are done. I am more
busy then when I was employed full time, but having
more fun doing things I want to do.
Answer:
I very much like your analogy of your WW2 battles to the
battle of life. So many of us can benefit from your "get
up and do something" attitude, and I thank you for the
motivating words. I can't wait for you to update us on
your NEXT venture!
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Question:
My parents married 20 years ago at the age of 70. Each
of them had 1 daughter. They recently entered into a
post nuptial agreement in which all of Dad's worldly
goods go to his daughter upon his death. All of Mom's
worldly goods go to her daughter (me) upon her death.
My step-sister is furious about this and is no longer
speaking to me.
Although she has far more material success than I have,
she had always felt entitled to half of my Mom's worldly
goods. It was made clear to me at the time our parents
married that I was to receive nothing from my step dad.
In addition, my stepsister made it clear that if her dad
died first, my Mom would have to vacate the house they
lived in.
I was surprised that our parents entered into the agree-
ment,on their 90th birthdays, but in hindsight I think
it makes sense. I hope you will begin a dialogue on how
families should prepare adult children for post nuptial
agreements. I am sure they will become more common as
there are more blended families and people do more estate
planning.
Answer:
What a shame your step-sister is turning what was intend-
ed as a gesture to prevent arguments into a family rift,
rather than cherishing the time she has left with her
father. As families blend, especially later in life, you
are right that this situation will become increasingly
common, and kudos to your parents for having the foresight
to realize the importance of such a document. While pre-
nuptial agreements are often met with distaste, it seems
post-nuptial agreements only serve to protect one's most
valuable legacy - their offspring. Readers, what do you
think?
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Question:
I am 54 years old and hve been married to the same wonder-
ful woman for 33 years. But in May of 2005 I had to go into
a nursing home and stayed in there until March 14,2006 due
to a really bad flare up of RA.
When I returned home I simply wanted to be hugged and held
close and told "I'm glad to have you home again." Instead
I was pushed away and told that I could just forget it.
"My sex drive is dead and I'm not interested."
While I was in the nursing home due to circumstances be-
yond our control my family had to move. They moved into a
two story apartment; where you have to climb 10 steps to
get to the porch. Then step up into the house. Once inside
you have ot climb 13 steps to get to the bathroom and the
bedrooms. Needless to say I had to move out. And now I am
paying for the upkeep of both households on a fixed income
of $958.00 a month.
I have told my wife that I still love her very much but I
need to be held and to be able to hold someone. To be
honest I don't even know if I'm capable of intercourse.
(Haven't had a chance since i had to have a quadruple by-
pass in 2000). My wife told me I had her blessings if I
could find someone else to hace sex with. I do not really
want anyone else, I want my wife but what am I supposed to
do.
What makes it even worse is I am a licensed ordained
minister and do not belive just because the world accepts
adultry that that makes it ok. But I don't know what God
will say about this one. Jesus said when asked about
divorce "except for fornication there is no reason for
divorce," I do not want a divorce just to love and be
loved. I still can preform orally and have always enjoyed
it.
But my wife will not let me touch her. Don't suggest
counseling because she will not even discuss it. She
said she doesn't want everyone knowing our business.
Help me please!!!!
Answer:
Clearly you have not only faced physiological hardships,
but you are emotionally suffering right now as well. I
appreciate your desire to remain faithful and stay mar-
ried to your wife, but a marriage should offer you
emotional comfort and a feeling of purpose, both of which
it sounds your marriage has stopped providing you with.
You have been together for 33 years and I do not doubt
that there is a reason you love this woman. However it
sounds like there is a communication breakdown that needs
to be fixed ASAP before any of the physical stuff can
resume. Your wife doesn't have to have a roaring sex
drive in order to want to hug you. Something deeper seems
to be going on, especially if she is encouraging you to
go elsewhere for your needs. Please urge her to talk with
you and discuss what you both see as the future of your
marriage. Your wife may be against counseling, but that
doesn't mean you can't go yourself. I am sure there is
someone at another church or in another town you may
speak with if you are worried about those you know learn-
ing your "business." Please continue to reach out, as you
have done with this letter, as you are entitled to feel
needed and loved too.
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For more insight and advice from Dr. Lynn visit:
fiftyandfurthermore.com
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