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   <<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>          

       CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, October 20, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
          
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concerning 9-11?

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Greetings fellow Bizarros:

So last week, an old college buddy of mine named Dominick 
promised to teach me how to do astral projection. This is 
something I never believed in. I believe the human spirit 
exists, but I don't believe you can take it out of your 
body, like pulling a Buick out of the garage, and go for 
a spin around the block. 

I was committed to the project, however, and was prepared 
for anything when Dominick came over Sunday afternoon. 

He asked that I turn the telephone off so there wouldn't 
be any distractions, and then we went into the family room 
where he pulled all the shades giving the room a soft yel-
low light. I lay down on my favorite couch and he tilted 
himself back in a recliner. 

He started speaking in a low voice. 

"What I'm going to do is give you a crash course in astral 
projection. Once you're there I don't want you to do much. 
Just move around a little bit and get used to the feeling. 
I asked your wife to knock on the door in one hour so we 
won't be tempted to stay "out" too long.

"Think of it like meditation, Lewis. Close your eyes and 
try to breathe regularly. Relax completely and let your 
mind go blank." 

Shouldn't be much of a problem there. 

"You might start to feel like you're going to sleep. This 
will only be your physical body. Try to keep your mind 
aware. Now...Imagine your limbs floating...like you are 
becoming weightless. Soon you are floating into a standing 
position in the middle of the room. Observe everything in 
as much detail as you possibly can...as if you are really 
standing there..."

His voice had become very soft and far away, and as I fol-
lowed his instructions I almost felt like I was standing in 
the middle of the room. 

I looked around, walked over to the window and tried to 
peek behind the shade. Then I walked over to the chair 
opposite Dominick and sat down, picking up a magazine 
sitting on the end table. 

By this time I couldn't feel my body anymore. I assumed I 
was just falling asleep, but I still had enough presence 
of mind to continue with the experiment, so I got up and 
walked over to the humidor at the other end of the room 
where I imagined myself removing a cigar and cutting the 
end off. But before anything else happened I heard a knock 
and discovered myself blinking awake on the sofa. 

I turned around and saw Dominick smiling at me. 

"How do you feel?" he asked. 

"Surprisingly good," I said. "So was the experiment a 
success?" 

"I think so."

"How can you tell?"

"I was there," he said, "observing you." 

He then described the events of the last half hour in 
somewhat chilling detail, except he said he couldn't make 
out what I was doing with my hands. 

"What were you doing over there by the bookcase with your 
back to the room?" he asked. 

I was staring kind of dumbly at him by this time, "I was 
trying to light a cigar." 

"Ah ha!" he laughed. "I thought you were masturbating!"

"What do you think I am...some kind of astral pervert?"

"So, do you believe me now, Lewis?"

Do I believe him? They could have just been good guesses. 
I mean, how much can you do in a small room? And I didn't 
feel like I had left my body at any time. But he seemed 
convinced that I did it. Either way it seems like a good 
opportunity to get a nap in the afternoon. 'Honey, don't 
wake me. I'm astral projecting!' 

Bizarrely,

Lewis


P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...

Classic Bizarre Forum

---------------------- Bizarre Frauds ----------------------

Some of the amazing and famous hoaxes around Darwin's time: 

Barnum's Fiji Mermaid (he spelled it Fejee Mermaid). This 
was an ugly, dried-up, black object about three-feet (one-
meter) long that was promoted as being half-monkey and 
half-fish. It was eventually found to be a hoax. 

Poet Edgar Allan Poe ran a long-running hoax promotion of a 
manned balloon flight across the Atlantic. 

The city of Palisade, Nevada, enticed tourists to visit the 
city because of its regular gunfights and street brawls. 
Tourists flocked into town to witness the gunfights, not 
knowing at the time that they were all staged. 

A report in The Illustrated London News of February 9, 
1856 claimed that a living pterodactyl (an extinct flying 
reptile) had been discovered in France. 

A hotel operator hoaxed tourists to visit his city by 
creating a "Silver Lake Serpent" that lured many people 
to the area. 

A cigar manufacturer named George Hull hired stonecutters 
to carve a 10-foot giant, which he buried on his property. 
In the wake of evolutionists' desire to find fossils of 
creatures that lived in the ancient past, this Cardiff 
giant was "accidentally" unearthed in 1869, and wagon-loads 
of tourists came to see Hull's find. He charged them 25 
cents each for the privilege. 

                             ***

-- Delaware Couple Busted For Drunk Driving On Same Night --

ST GEORGES, Delaware - It was double trouble for a Delaware 
couple when a woman was arrested for drunk driving after she 
drove to the police station so pick up her husband who had 
just been charged with the same thing. Dianna Garwood, 36, 
was reportedly in her husband's 2001 Ford Mustang when he 
was arrested around 10 p.m. Police told the woman specifi-
cally not to drive to pick up her husband when they drove 
her home for she had been drinking as well. According to 
Patrolman Trinidad Navarro, Dianna Garwood was sitting be-
hind the wheel of a pickup truck an officer walked Eric 
Garwood, 39, outside to meet his ride. She was immediately 
arrested. Navarro would not release the blood-alcohol levels
of the Garwoods, but said both were above the legal limit 
of 0.10. 

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---- Porn Habit Prompts Angry Girlfriend to Take Action ----

FREDERICTON, Canada - Here's one way to curb your boyfriend's
internet porn habit. A Canadian woman arranged the theft
of her computer in a faked home invasion in an attempt to 
stop her boyfriend from viewing porn. Erin Stairs, 19,
was charged last May with theft and public mischief after 
she arranged to have the couple's house burglarized. The 
robbery reportedly got out of hand when the culprits walked 
away with the $2,000 computer, a television, 60 compact 
discs, jewelry and other property. Judge Patricia Cumming 
told Stairs her actions were misguided. "Taking the computer 
is not going to take away his ability to frequent the sites," 
she said. "It doesn't remove the heart of the problem." 


---------- Suicidal Woman Survives 14-Story Fall  ----------

MIAMI, Florida - If at first you don't succeed, try, try 
again. After dealing with a bout of issues and divorcing 
after a seven-year marriage, a woman tried to commit suicide
by overdosing on pills. Fate intervened, and she survived
after having been rushed to the hospital and having her
stomach pumped. The 32-year-old woman decided to attempt 
suicide again, only this time by plunging 14 stories out 
of a high-rise. She must have nine lives because she flew 
out the window, landed on her rear-end, and only suffered a 
broken arm. Neighbors and rescuers took this as a clear 
sign that her life is simply not mean to end yet. "You're 
trying to take your life away, you fall from the 14th floor,
and you survive. This is an awakening that this is not
your time," said one Miami police officer. A general and
trauma surgeon at Jackson Memorial Hospital said,, "You
see this in the movies -- people jump from a building, 
land on a car and walk away...That doesn't happen in real
life." 

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-- Man Robs His Own Bank, Deposits Money at Other Branches -

MOUNT LAUREL, New Jersey - Another stupid criminal bites the
dust. When high school history teacher Alvin Jumpp got behind
on bill payments and owed $2,560 in late taxes, did he work
overtime? Did he take a second job? Or perhaps do odd jobs
for extra cash? He did none of these. Instead, Jumpp robbed
his own bank. Dressed in black with white gauze covering his
face, Jumpp robbed the Farmers & Mechanics Bank branch in
Mount Laurel in April. While waving a handgun wrapped in
either plastic or paper according to the FBI, he told two
tellers "You have 10 seconds." He left the bank with over
$10,000, but one of the tellers recognized Jumpp's low,
raspy voice. Shortly following the robbery, Jumpp deposited
some of the money in his other Farmers & Mechanics accounts,
paid his late taxes, and even made an advance payment on
the next quarter's bill. The FBI discovered the white gauze
mask at Jumpp's house later that week, and one of his bank
deposits included "bait bills." Jumpp has been arrested, and
a bail hearing was scheduled this week.


- "Orgasm is a gift of God." Brazil Celebrates "Orgasm Day" -

BRAZIL - Though Mayor Ivaldo Franco dismissed Orgasm Day,
Brazilians are coming out in droves to support this gift of
God, as one sign declared. To encourage communication, an
orgasm urn was placed in the town square for people to post
messages about their sex lives. The end-of-the-day keynote
speaker was 63-year-old prostitute Raimunda Alves, who spoke
about customers' preferences. To promote a festive and 
accepting atmosphere, people hung signs and placed flowers
everywhere. Promoter Arimatea Dantas financed the cele-
brations and said, "We want people to feel free to talk 
about their orgasms, and we ultimately hope that they'll
have better sex lives." 

------------------------------------------------------------
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 
------------------------------------------------------------

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hi Lewis, The article on astral projection was fascinating. 
Please fill us in on what happened with your astral 
projection experimenting in your next column.  Ask your 
friend for a book receommendation on astral projection.  
I experienced this once by accident and it totally freaked 
out. -Love your work, Lisa 
[The literature I have read on it, since the experiment, 
says that it can happen spontaneously if you have a propen-
sity toward it. But if you happen to find yourself in the 
astral realm, don't come to my house, will you? My wife 
will kill me if there are a bunch of astral babes floating 
around the bedroom.]


Dang Lewis, had I known about this I would have told the 
boss I was in astral projection when he thought I was 
asleep at my desk! Could this be the same as daydreaming 
by chance? 
[No, but it is supposed to be very similar to lucid dreaming
which I do experience occasionally. This makes me think that
"astral projection" may be nothing more than a very tactile 
lucid dream. It still doesn't explain how Dominick had such 
a good idea of what I was imagining myself doing in that 
room on Sunday.]


Lewis: Thanks for the comment concerning teachers expected 
to be surrogate parents.  You may not be popular with the 
"correct" set, but you're all right with me. -Thanks, Chip
[I just put this comment in because I've never met anyone 
named Chip before.]


Dearest Lewis...Thanks so much for your twisted sense of 
humor, and for sharing it with the enlightened masses that 
read Bizarre News.  You are the guide that I rely on when 
interacting with the world!  God, you're good! --DaNeen
[Has that rumor been getting around again?]


Lewis, I think I will hang a shagmail sign in my window and 
see if I can collect 80 dollars from each woman that shows 
me her boobs. What a country! --Joe
[You can send the checks straight to me for copyright in-
fringement.]


Lewis, your just like a sore dick, you can't be beat. -Kevin
[Thanks.]


I'm a NYC teacher - stuck with no contract and a heartless 
mayor - thanks for your comments from today's column -- 
very uplifting.  Now I think I have to go have some outdoor 
sex since it IS May 8th! --Amy
[Good for you, Amy! Don't take it laying down, er...well, 
you know what I mean.]


Dear Shirley--Thank you for the suggestions.  I definetly 
think Princess Leia would work, since I have an amazing 
ability to attract gigantic geeks. But, alas, I have left 
Bat Boy, and may be facing a period of celibacy....unless 
Lewis answers my letters.... --Erin
[Erin, are you suggesting that I'm a "gigantic geek?" Any-
way, Princess Leia wouldn't work for me. I would be more 
interested in a nurse. "Open up and say 'ahhh' Lewis."]


Lewis, I just read the comment about dressing up like June 
Cleaver. What a sex goddess she was. I used to watch just 
to hear her say things like "You know Ward, you were a 
little hard on the beaver last night." --Rich


Just wanted to write and say thank you for giving me some-
thing to laugh about and smile about all day. I work for a 
large company collecting money due and hear a lot of bizare 
things on why payment is late in arriving. Sometimes my job 
gets a little to stressful  but when I read your mail in 
the morning it sets up my whole day as good....THANK YOU SO 
MUCH and keep up the good work. --Heather

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis
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