Publication: Dear Abby
Parents Clash Over Giving Same Gifts To Different Sons | |
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DEAR ABBY - June 6, 2008
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PARENTS CLASH OVER GIVING SAME GIFTS TO DIFFERENT SONS
ABBY: My husband and I disagree on something. Do you think
parents MUST do the same things for each of their children,
even when there is a great discrepancy in the children's
behavior and attitude toward their parents?
We have helped out one of our sons who was having financial
difficulties. Now the other son, "Sean," expects to receive
the same, although he is defiant and does not treat us with
the same respect as his sibling. My husband says because
we did it for one child, we must do it for the other. I
disagree, and think it's rewarding bad behavior.
-- FEUDING IN WISCONSIN
FEUDING: Sean does not have the right to "demand" any-
thing from you. However, to give one of your sons money
while withholding it from the other will create a rift
between them that may never heal, and I do not recommend
it.
Tempting as it may be to use your checkbook to command
compliance, please realize that it won't gain you the
respect you feel is lacking. A better solution would be
to insist on family counseling as a condition of giving
the money. It's an investment that could yield great
dividends.
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ABBY: I was at the store yesterday with my Gramma when
she ran into a friend she hadn't seen in some time. (Her
friend is about 87.) As they were talking, Gramma asked
her a question that shocked me. She asked, "Do you still
have your husband?"
After we left, I told Gramma I thought it was rude to ask
someone that question. Her response was, "It's perfectly
fine to ask that of someone her age." Is she right?
-- KNOW I'M RIGHT IN LAS VEGAS, N.M.
KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT: The question was not a breach of
etiquette. By the time women reach their eighth decade,
I'm sad to say, most of them have lost their husbands.
Your grandmother's question was legitimate, although she
might have been more diplomatic and asked "how" her
friend's husband was, rather than if she still had him.
ABBY: The "pennies from heaven" letters in your column
have been a blessing to me. "Patrick" and I were together
eight years when he died unexpectedly after turning 31
last February. We considered ourselves married, and
never thought we'd need a marriage license to formalize
our love.
When Patrick died, his family took his body. They emptied
our apartment the next day and refuse to tell me where he
is buried.
Three times in the last month I have found pennies dated
1977 -- the year Patrick was born. One particularly shiny
one appeared on the passenger seat of my car on my first
day back at work. I'm sure it is his way of telling me
not to worry, that he is close by.
Thank you for printing those stories. They have been a
source of great comfort to me.
-- MOURNING IN SAN FRANCISCO
MOURNING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss.
I'm gratified the "pennies" letters have brought you some
solace, as they have many other readers, and I hope your
experience will enlighten any couple who thinks a marriage
license is "only a piece of paper."
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
____________________________________________________________
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END OF ABBY
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