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Publication: Dear Abby
Wife In Mixed Marriage Feels Wrath Of Husband's Famiy

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       ABBY - May 1, 2008 
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ABBY: My husband, "Vincent," and I have been together for 
10 years. We have two beautiful children, a good marriage 
and a close bond with my family.

Vincent's family disowned him when he married me because of 
my race, and he's now starting to feel the full emotional 
impact. He is angry and disappointed with his family, but 
I know he misses them terribly. I have been called every 
name in the book by his mother, ignored by his siblings and
brought to tears by his father's hateful words. I refuse to 
expose our children to that kind of treatment, so I have not 
pushed Vincent to contact his family, even though I feel he 
should try.

Abby, his family grew up hating minorities, and I doubt they 
have changed since we last spoke. What can I do to help my
husband though this without exposing myself and the children 
to their ignorance and bigotry? I know our kids will face 
this issue sometime, but it shouldn't come from family. 

UNACKNOWLEDGED: I agree that it shouldn't come from family. 
So just listen when your husband vents, because his anger 
and disappointment are justified. Do not push him to contact 
his family. They are so vested in their bias that it's 
unlikely they will change.

Vincent made his choice 10 years ago, and he chose you. And 
that is why, rather than dwelling on the past, he should 
focus his energies on creating a successful and fulfilling 
future with you, his beautiful children and the family who 
has embraced him.



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ABBY: My wife has a terminal illness, and we have begun the 
unpleasant task of making final arrangements. Our children 
are all in their teens.

Our youngest, "Mitch," is 15 and does not want to attend his
mother's funeral. He says he would rather remember her as she 
is now instead of in a casket.

I know funerals are good for people because they give a sense 
of closure, but if Mitch doesn't want to go, I'm not sure I 
should press the issue. Can you please advise?

SAD DAD: My heart goes out to your family at this difficult 
time. I'm glad you wrote, because I, too, have reservations 
about pressuring your son. This is a decision that he will 
have to arrive at on his own.

However, no law dictates that he would have to see his mother 
lying in the casket. It is my understanding that private fare-
wells can be made with the casket open or closed. Please 
explain this to him. Also, when the time comes, he may change 
his mind and want to see her. It's a very personal decision.

ABBY: My sister, "Mara," has a temper. When she gets mad at 
our mom and stepfather, she goes into our room and slams the 
door as hard as she can. It has started to damage the door 
and walls, and they're fed up with it.

Our stepfather told Mara that if she does not stop it, he 
will take the door off. If it was just her, I would say she 
deserves it. But, it's my room, too, and it will take away 
MY privacy. Shouldn't he find some other type of punishment 
so I won't have to suffer, too? 

NOT YOUR FAULT: Yes, in fairness, he should. Surely, with 
enough ingenuity, your parents can think of a penalty 
designed "just for her" -- such as revoking her phone 
privileges, docking her allowance or grounding her -- that 
won't penalize an innocent bystander. (That's you.)

ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as 
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline 
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box  
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. 

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