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Husband Tricked Into Marriage Regrets Doing The Right Thing

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               DEAR ABBY - July 27, 2007 
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ABBY: I have read your column for the better part of 20 
years and always enjoyed it, even if I didn't always agree 
with your advice. The fact that it makes us think is what 
makes it so enjoyable.

Now I find myself writing to get an opinion on a matter that 
has been very hard for me. I have been married for the last 
20 years to a woman who has been hard to get along with, at
best. We were married because she became pregnant. I thought 
I was doing the right thing. Later, I found out she had 
stopped taking birth control pills so she could get me to 
marry her. 

Looking back, it was not the right thing to do. I have stayed
married and we have had a second child. Again, she was on the 
pill, and again I thought I was doing the right thing by 
staying around to be the father.

I removed my wedding ring 10 years ago and have been barely 
getting along with her while I work a lot of jobs away from 
the house to avoid the never-ending arguments. I don't hate 
her or wish anything bad for her, but I have reached the 
point where I can no longer stand to be around her. I have 
concluded that staying married for the sake of the kids and 
trying to be a two-parent family was the wrong thing to do. 

I know the ensuing divorce will be ugly, with her constantly 
harassing me, but how can I help her to see that our 
marriage has been a train wreck in slow motion for 20 years?

LIVING AWAY: Your marriage was based on fraud, and a 
marriage with fraud as its foundation is like a house 
built on quicksand. As unhappy as you have been, your 
wife appears to have been even unhappier. She knows she 
tricked you into marriage and you weren't in love with 
her -- and she has been taking her anger out on you and 
herself ever since.

As you said, ending the marriage won't be pleasant -- and 
she will probably be punitive. Therefore, it is imperative 
that your children be made to understand that, regardless 
of what has happened with their mother, you will always be 
there for them. As to "helping her see," etc. -- save that
effort for later, much later, when her anger has cooled to 


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ABBY: I carpool my daughter, "Leslye," to school with one 
other student. It has been helpful because Leslye needs to 
be taken to and from school five days a week. The problem 
is, Leslye does not like riding in the other mother's car 
because it is filthy.

Leslye has come home with stains on her pants from sitting
on melted crayons, old food, etc. She tells me that it's 
OK for all trash to be thrown on the floor. It was that 
way all year.

Have you any suggestions on how to handle this situation 
next year? (I am a non-confrontational type of person.) I 
hope the other mom reads your column. 

MARIAN: And what if she doesn't read my column? Unless you 
are willing to advocate for your daughter, there is nothing 
I can do. It would not be confrontational to tell the woman 
that your daughter's clothing was soiled because of the 
melted crayons -- or food -- on the seats of her car, and 
that it's time the vehicle was cleaned. It's part of 
responsible parenting. If she doesn't get the message, then 
it will be up to you to provide more suitable transportation 
to school for your daughter.

ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as 
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline 
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box  
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. 

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