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Drinking Leads To...

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       Classic Laff-a-Day - June 4, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was talking to one of the broads over here who is trying to
quit smoking.

"I don't know what I'm going to do when I go out to the clubs
with my friends."

"Yeah, well, you might want to avoid those places until you have
enough time under your belt to fight the urges," I said.

"I don't know..."

"Look," I said, "nothing good comes out of those places. Being
in that environment, leads to drinking, leads to smoking and
leads to wanting to sleep with easy women."

She just kind of stared at me.

I said, "Well, that's always what it did to me."




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Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time
and when he was offered the job at the council as a
garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first
day things were going great until he arrived at one house
and noticed there was no wheelie bin out front.

Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not
get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house
then I will get fired."

So he went up to the door and knocked on it.

To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered.
Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other
bloke, "Where's ya bin?"

The man replied, "I bon on 'olidays,"

Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?"

"I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply.

Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya idiot --
where's ya wheelie bin?"

The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening.
"Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail -- but I'm tellin'
everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!"

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he
can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the hell did you do that for!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you idiot... But my wife out in
the car still does."

I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he’s been
married a little over four years. He told me he was celebrating
his ‘Wooden’ anniversary.

I asked what a ‘wooden’ anniversary was.

He said, "I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden."

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A shy Welsh village man, Elwyn, noticed that a beautiful girl
had moved in next door. But Elwyn was shy so every time he saw
her in the garden or in the street he couldn't think of what to
say, so he would say 'good morning miss' or 'good afternoon
miss' and hurry off about his business.
He talked to his friend in the bar. "Jones," he said, "a
beautiful girl lives next door to me, but I don't know how to
chat girls up, I've never done it before."
Jones said, "All you have to do is say to her 'good morning miss.
It’s a beautiful day isn't it? What beautiful flowers in your
garden.’ That will get the conversation going."

Elwyn practiced this in front of a mirror for a few days. Then
one night at the local pub he saw her. Elwyn stood near the bar
trying to pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. He was
nearly ready when the girl got up and went to the washroom.
This is it, thought Elwyn, its now or never. So he stood outside
the washroom and waited. She was ever such a long time that poor
Elwyn was starting to lose his nerve. He was just about to walk
away when the girl came out. There she was, right in front of
him looking beautiful.
Elwyn said, "Erm, erm g-good evening, miss."

She said, "Good evening."

He continued, "It’s a b-beautiful day isn't it?"

"Yes," she said, "it is a splendid day."

Encouraged he went on. "I’m your neighbor, and I must tell you
you have a lovely garden."

She smiled, "Thank you. I think so, too."
Stuck for something else to talk about, Elwyn stammered, "Erm,
erm, err, ah, you've just had a shit, have you?"


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