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Publication: Classic Bizarre
World Cup Madness

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<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>          

          CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, November 21, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
------------------------------------------------------------
          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
          
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Greetings Fellow Bizarros:

I've been reading some scary stuff in the news recently about 
the World Cup soccer tournament (or "futball" as they call it 
on the Continent). As the competition heats up the fans are 
getting more and more volatile. Riots and fights are becoming 
almost daily items in the news. 

Last week, when Japan beat the Russian team 1-0, an estimated 
10,000 fans who were watching the game on an outdoor screen 
in Manezh Square, Moscow, went wild in an ugly display of 
violence, smashing shop windows, setting cars ablaze and 
engaging in fistfights. Scores of spectators were injured 
and one Japanese man who just happened to be in the area 
was stabbed to death. It took riot police with pistols and 
machine guns to restore order. 

Now the madness is spreading to the United States as the U.S. 
team, distant underdogs in international rankings, has begun 
to win games. Last week we won against Portugal 3-2, and 
earlier this week we tied against South Korea with one goal 
each. That was a bitter blow to the Koreans who had high 
hopes of advancing. During the second half of the game the 
Korean team began taunting the American players although the 
match ended quietly. 

With this new taste of success in everyone's mouth the tension 
has started to build, even right here at home. Yesterday, on 
the way home I stopped to get gas and wouldn't you know it 
the attendant was Korean (at least I think he was). While I 
was paying for my gas he asked me if I had seen the U.S.-
Korea game. I immediately envisioned a thousand screaming 
Asians with tire irons battling a squadron of riot police 
with me right in the middle.

I shook my ignition key at him, "Stay right there, Mister! 
I've got a three-wood in my back seat and I'm not afraid to 
use it." 

He was looking at me strangely as I backed out of the place. 
Probably thought I was a crazy round-eye. But at least I 
averted a riot. So you can all thank me for that. 

Bizarrely,

Lewis


P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
------------------------------------------------------------

-------- Collapse of Western Civilization Imminent ---------

An Arizona high school student walked across the stage to 
receive her diploma last month, despite the fact that she 
failed her senior English class. How did this happen, you 
ask? Her parents threatened to sue the school if she didn't 
graduate. In the letter prepared by the parents' lawyer, 
was this friendly reminder to the teacher... "Of course, 
all information regarding your background, your employment 
records, all of your class records, past and present, 
dealings with this and other students becomes relevant, 
should litigation be necessary." In response to this the 
school allowed the girl in question to retake her final 
five hours before graduation, even while other failing 
students (whose parents probably could not afford lawyers) 
were registering for Summer school. 

------------------------------------------------------------

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------------------------------------------------------------

------------- Police Investigate Testicle Crime ------------

OAK PARK, Michigan - Police found a man wearing blood-stained 
jeans sitting on a curb in Michigan and immediately investi-
gated. The man had been visiting a male friend he met over 
the Internet and supposedly volunteered to have his testicles 
cut off. The 48-year-old victim from Birmingham went to his 
"friend's" house in Michigan where they hung out like it was 
any other day. The victim sat on the kitchen table, and the 
Michigan man proceeded to cut off his testicles with a scalpel. 
The suspect stitched up the wound and they ate pie together. 
Until the victim started bleeding uncontrollably. He had to 
undergo three hours of surgery at the hospital, and police 
released the 29-year-old suspect while they tried to figure 
out if an actual crime was committed.


--------- Hottest Selling CD: Frogs' Greatest Hits? --------

NEW JERSEY - No one expected the biggest selling CD in New
Jersey to be the 38 greatest hits "The Croak and Call Genre"
of 16 native species of frogs. The indigenous Pine Barrens
Treefrog, the chirping Northern Spring Peeper, and the 
Carpenter Frog all perform on the hot disc. Initially, the 
CD was created to help 350 volunteers that catalog statistics
on frogs throughout the state. According to Linda Tesauro,
executive director of the Conserve Wildlife Foundation, the 
original printing of 1,000 copies sold out, and people are
clamoring to buy the accompanying Field Guide to Amphibians
and Reptiles of New Jersey. So what's next for the croaking 
frogs? A second run of their hot-selling CD will hit store 
shelves, but don't expect a Leno appearance any time soon. 

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------------------------------------------------------------

---------- Barking Father Threatens to Sue Police ----------

NORWAY - A 57-year-old father of seven is threatening to sue 
police after they arrested him for barking in public. It all 
started when his children were arguing as they walked home 
from a party. Wanting to distract them, he began barking and 
acting like a dog. He has since been arrested and charged 
with drunkenness, breaching the peace and child neglect. He 
has been cleared of all charges but admits to initially 
resisting arrest. "What father wouldn't in such a situation?" 
the dumbfounded man asked. The court discarded the arrest, 
ruling that the man wasn't loud enough to be considered "dis-
turbing the peace."


------ Inmate Starves Himself in Bizarre Getaway Plan ------

CHILE - Prison inmates routinely commit odd acts in attempts
to break out of jail, but one Chilean inmate had his own
unique plan. The 20-year-old man refused meals for several
weeks to lose weight. When the inmate's friend came to visit 
him, his new, lean body would be able to fit inside the 
friend's cramped bag. In addition to starving himself, he 
increased his flexibility by practicing stretching exercises. 
When visiting day arrived, the plan began without a hitch. 
The inmate squeezed into the bag, and his friend started to 
carry him out. A prison guard saw the man struggling with 
his heavy bag, and that's when they discovered the inmate 
inside of it. Authorities described his emaciated body as 
"skeletal." For that grand scheme, the inmate faces 
additional jail time, and his friend has also been charged.


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis - Further proof you can find ANYTHING on Ebay... "Feel 
Wife's Breasts If You Pay For Boob Job. If you are the kind 
patron of my wife's breast lift, you will get to spend a 
little time with them once they are done. A once in a life-
time opportunity to make yourself and a total stranger happy."
[It sounds like somebody has seen the movie "Summer Rental" 
a few too many times.]


The Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, CA has mens' restrooms 
that men can't use because the women want to see them. They 
have large urinals that are waterfalls and water wheels 
that begin to flow water when a person comes up to use the 
facility.


There is a bar called "Shooters" in Coeur D'Alene, ID that 
has some very interesting urinals.  In the men's bathroom 
the urinals have a one way window from the chest up to allow 
the men too look out into the bar. From the outside it just 
looks like a mirror. Women have been known to flash the men 
while in the stall. --Chris
[It's just a form of torture. They know men can't relieve 
themselves while in a state of arousal.]


Lewis - On the topic of strange toilets - i saw a pic of the 
"newest rage" in toilets - the fish bowl - the front part of 
the tank is actually an aquarium while the back is the part 
is the reservoir - so apparently when you flush you won't 
flush your fish. Thanks so much for your newsletter. --Dawn
P.S. if your wife leaves you will you marry me?
[Any woman with a fish tank in her toilet is out of my 
league.]


Hey Lewis, do you always publish the weird reader comments? 
What about what I have to say?  I'm 19, cute, and about as 
normal as they come (except for that fetish with dressing 
like a school girl). -Angel
[If you're 19 you probably still are a school girl.]


...regarding the Japanese woman who stored her husband's 
decomposing body in her refrigerator for 4 years...hope he 
was in a very large tupperware container; otherwise that 
kind of thing makes your milk taste funny. --Laura Love
[You're a sick one, Laura.]


You're going to lose subscribers with your latest ploy of 
forcing us to go to your home page to read parts of Bizarre 
News! I subscribed to get your COMPLETE email, not waste 
time waiting for webpages to load. If this practice 
continues, I'm going to unsubscribe. Thank you, Sharon
[I understand your frustration and am perfectly willing to 
refund your full subscription price.]


Yo Screwie Lewie, What were you doing with the baby oil in 
the bathroom when you slipped on it?
[I'm sorry...you're just going to have to keep up. I can't 
slow down the rest of the class by continuing to repeat 
material.]


I was in my Doctor's. waiting room and was watching a toddler 
about 15 months playing with his mothers car keys. That was 
fine until he tried to put the key in a wall plug. I were 
shouted at her to look. She finally looked over and saw what 
the baby was doing and took the keys away from him. --Janet
[If that were my son I would have said, 'You're grounded!']


------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: mailto:
Email Lewis
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