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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Classic Bizarre Pilots Celebrate Independence

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>          

         CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, December 8, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
          
Do you think explosives were planted in the Twin Towers to bring 
them down?
Video clip: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=2535&aid=
     
Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week

Greetings Fellow Bizarros:

Huzzah for the Republic! Tomorrow is Independence Day here 
in the United States and everybody in the office is gearing 
up for the holiday. 

It seems a couple of America West Airlines pilots were doing 
a little gearing up of their own. I don't know if you have 
heard this story yet, since it just broke yesterday, but 
two pilots were about to fly a jet from Miami to Phoenix 
and were already taxiing on the runway when police arrived 
and ordered the tower to order them back to the gate. It 
seems a checkpoint worker reported detecting alcohol on their 
breath and his supervisor called the police.

Breathalyzer tests determined that one pilot had a blood-
alcohol level of .091 while the other had a .084 -- more 
than twice the Federal Aviation Administration's limit of 
0.04. The legal limit for driving in Florida is .08.

Of course, while pilots who could not legally drive a car 
are climbing into cockpits, the security in the airport 
terminals are exhibiting a 40 percent failure rate in secret 
tests to try and get fake weapons past them. Undercover 
security personal conducted dozens of tests where they packed 
fake guns and knives in their carry-on luggage. Security 
failed to find the items in 40 percent of the cases. 

Meanwhile, former vice-president Al Gore is getting pulled 
aside for strip searches. 

I'm not making this stuff up, folks, these are all actual 
news items. 

Well, we've come a long way from "When in the course of human 
events..." to "Have your bags been out of your possession at 
any time?"

Airline fiascos aside, we have a strange and bizarre issue 
for you...and while you're busy with that I have to head to 
the store and pick up a couple pounds of potato salad for 
tomorrow!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum

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------- Percy the Border Collie Dog Runs for Congress ------

FLORIDA - In a satirical protest against the political
establishment, Percy the dog is running for congress in Flor-
ida against Secretary of State Katherine Harris. Percy's 
owner, Wayne Genthner, is acting as the dog's campaign 
manager. Percy, a border collie mix, will be a write-in candi-
date in the Republican primary, has his own website, and has 
even been out to meet voters. Genthner acknowledges that no 
one actually expects the dog to be elected, "but plenty of 
people will be willing to vote for a dog to represent their 
discontent with the political system," he said. His website 
states, "Percy, District 13's only black white candidate, 
fluent in Spanish, is a strong believer in cross culture, 
cross species interface, and has vowed, if elected, to sup-
port programs that foment these ideals." In addition, 
Percy promises to literally chase down any criminals he sees. 


----- Robber Returns to Scene of Crime for Keys, Busted ----

ITALY - A 45-year-old man in Italy thought he had gotten away 
with the perfect robbery. He successfully held up employees 
at a post office in Bruno d'Asti in northern Italy and left 
with a bag of money. He didn't get very far, though - he left 
his car keys on a staff member's till. He hurriedly returned 
to the post office, but employees had already locked the door 
and refused to let him in. An employee described the scene, 
"He was desperate and almost started crying, begging us to 
open the door, when police finally arrived." The robber was 
arrested on the spot and is prison awaiting a court hearing.


--------------- Birth Ends in Cocaine Arrest ---------------

KANSAS CITY - What should have been a celebratory event
turned into a drug bust. When a 23-year-old man's wife went
into labor at their apartment, he immediately called 911 
and told the operator they needed an ambulance. He was in 
such a frenzied state that he neglected to tell them it was
for a pregnancy. So, police were called to the scene first.
When they reached the apartment, the door was ajar so they
entered the premises. By this point, the place was empty, 
On their way out, the police noticed a brick of pressed
powder on the kitchen table, sitting next to scales. Inves-
tigators determined the "powder" to be almost $12,000 worth
of cocaine. They found $3,500 more in cocaine in the kitchen.
In the meantime, husband and wife gave birth in the hospital.
Later that night, the husband returned home with relatives,
where police were waiting to slap the bracelets on him and 
book him in the country jail. They will still need to speak 
with the new mother. 

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---- "Comfort for Dogs" Video Helps Soothe Owners' Guilt ---

ORLANDO, Florida - Two marketing professionals in Florida 
were filled with anxiety every time they left for work in
the morning. Their anxiety was caused by extreme guilt over
leaving their two beloved dogs, Max and Brie, home alone all
day. To help the daily transition, the two produced a video 
called "Comfort for Dogs" available for sale on the Internet.
The video is supposed to help relax and calm the dogs as 
their owners leave the house and features soothing music. 
The video footage is designed to distract the dogs so they
don't miss their owners as much. According to veterinarian 
Jane Leon, the video will help reinforce the relationship 
between dog and owner. 


------------- Women Scammed by Peeping Lesbian -------------

Police in Portugal are investigating a complaint by four 
women who stripped naked to their waist and stood at their 
windows so they could have a mammogram by satellite. The 
women, aged between 19 and 45 years, say a woman identifying 
herself as a doctor rang them on the phone, proposing a 
revolutionary method to examine their breasts. They were 
told to expose their chest and stand either at their window 
or on a balcony in the direction of the supposed satellite. 
However, when the woman rang back with the mammogram results, 
she instead vividly described her sexual desires.


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Great reader comments for the June 29 issue, Lewis. You really 
showed true, human reaction to Bizarre News. I was moved.
[And I can always count on my subscribers not to deride me 
with sarcasm when I make a mistake.]


Lewis..I would like to have seen those DC firemen rushing to 
the house fire in "only" their boots and T-shirts!
[Let's keep our panties on, shall we? I meant without their 
full protective gear.]


Lewis, I can't account for five minutes of my day yesterday. 
is it possible i was kidnapped by aliens with short attention 
spans? -tarquin
[Either that or you have narcolepsy.]


It has nothing to do with the felt. Scorpions stay out
of pool halls because they have trouble holding the cues. 
 -- Eric 
[One of the advantages of opposable thumbs.]


hi lewis - it's not hard to understand at all!  i look at a 
man's hands so that i can imagine what they'd feel (and look) 
like on various parts of my body. -honestly, Rhonda
[Note to self: make appointment with manicurist.]


I have a question: What would you like women to notice first 
about YOU?
[My large, well-proportioned and distinguished...nose.]


Hi Lewis. Firstly, let me add myself to the millions of sub-
scribers that sing your praises every week. I have to admit 
though, that I am in no way infatuated with you, but I will 
be more than happy to send you a picture of my breasts any-
way if you would like. -Barbara
[Done.]


I want to know how you feel about the supreme court deeming 
the pledge of allegiance un constitutional? How Bizarre is 
that? I teach pre-school. Have you ever got a tear in your 
eye over a three year old with his hand over his heart 
reciting this? I have for several years in a row now! -Lou
[Well, Lou, it was a federal appeals court, and that very 
same judge just recently stayed his decision -- preventing 
it from taking effect until the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of 
Appeals decides whether it wants to alter course. I read it 
on abcnews.com.]


STOCKHOLM - Europe's biggest fashion retailer, Sweden's H&M, 
has launched wear-once paper panties for the summer. They 
are on sale now. They are good to have in your handbag if 
something unexpected happens, if you lose your luggage, or 
you exercise and forget to take a change of underwear with 
you...
[You're a few chapters behind. I ran this very same story in 
BN just a few months ago.]


------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: 
Email Lewis
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