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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Woman Robbed By Circus Troupe

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>          

     CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, January 12, 2007           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."

Greetings Fellow Bizarros:

I made the mistake of playing golf with TZ, our editor of
Laff A Day. I think all of you know that I am far from a
prude, but every shot and every single opportunity at what
passes for civilized conversation turned to sex. TZ is my
buddy, but he needs to broaden is humor horizon.

The bad thing for me is that the lowest common denominator
of humor is catchy. For instance, we were about 220 yards
from the pin with water about 190 yards in front of us. TZ
takes out a 3-wood and says, "I'm going to green this
sucker." Being the courteous partner that I am (coupled
with the full knowledge that TZ golfs like my grandmother),
I suggested, "You may want to lay it up before the water.
Putting the ball on the green from here would qualify you
for the PGA."

TZ, undeterred and brashly said, "OK Lewis, Whaddya want
to bet?"

I did not want to take advantage of the poor guy, but
laughingly said, "Well, how about dinner and a blow job?"

TZ: Well...OK. Just get ready to pucker up!

TZ then addressed the ball, adjusted his grip a few times,
looked at the pin 220 yards away, hiked up his pants...I
realized I now was playing golf with Ed Norton. And with a
mighty swing, he topped the ball squibbing a pitiful 20
yards from his feet...juuuust a "little short."

He glanced at me with an embarrassed look remembering the
bet and said,

"Lewis, about that bet. Dinner is definitely out..."



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum

+----------------- Bizarre Canadian Laws ------------------+

You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies. 

Citizens may not publicly remove bandages. 

In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch. 

In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed. 

In Montreal, you may not swear in French. 

Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or 
spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 
Canadian dollars. 

In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more 
than two colors of paint on your house. 

In Toronto, you can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. 
on a Sunday. 

The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone. 

--------- Courthouse Love Affair Nets Prison Time ----------

VANCOUVER, British Columbia - A Canadian man who had an affair 
with a juror during his murder trial was sentenced to nearly 
six years in prison for obstruction of justice in what a judge 
termed "almost unimaginable." The British Columbia Supreme 
Court imposed a harsher sentence on Peter Gill than it did on 
the juror, Gillian Guess, who was convicted of the same charge. 
The court called Gill's actions during the murder trial an 
attempt to "subvert justice." Gill, 37, was convicted of having 
an affair with Guess in 1995 while she was serving on the panel 
that eventually acquitted him and four other defendants of 
killing two men in an alleged drug deal. 

[I didn't think those Canadians had it in them. Thanks to 

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--------- Move over Ted Williams...Mom in Freezer ----------

France's highest court has refused to allow two teachers to 
keep their mother's body in a glass freezer at home. The 
Conseil d'Etat ruled cryonics - stopping physical decay after 
death in the hope of future revival - is illegal. Michel 
Leroy and his sister Joelle from the French Indian Ocean 
island of Reunion want to keep their mother's body in a 
basement freezer. The Times says their mother Lise Leroy has 
been in refrigeration since July 1999. Mr Leroy says he'll 
challenge the decision at the European Court of Human Rights. 

----------- 25-Foot Penis a Mystery to Residents -----------

The residents in the neighborhood of Joseph A. Foran High 
School in Milford Connecticut awoke to an unfamiliar view 
on the hillside located behind the school last June. Weed 
killer was used in an apparent act of vandalism by unknown 
assailants to burn an outline of a 25 foot phallic symbol 
in to the grassy hillside. For over a month the graffiti 
has remained after numerous attempts to erase the image. 
Workers will have to uproot the grass and reseed the hill 
in order to clear the image before the start of school later 
this month. No complaint was ever filed with the Police and 
it has not yet been investigated.

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------- Stunning Burglary Performed by Circus Troupe -------

CHILE - The next time your attending the Circus in Concepcion, 
Chile don't forget to tip the performers. A circus troupe 
performing at traffic lights used their skills to make a 
little extra cash performing for pedestrians and motorists. 
As a women rolled her car window down to toss them change, 
the unexpected happened. A juggler tossed a spear puncturing 
her tire. An acrobat somersaulted over the hood and snatched 
the woman's gold necklace. Another smashed her passenger 
window and snatched her bag while a fire-eater threatened to 
blow flames in her face. Police captured one of the acrobats 
but the stolen property was not recovered.

---------------- Snakes Run Amok in Airport ----------------

SAUDI ARABIA - Customs officials at King Khaled International 
Airport in Riyadh encountered a slight problem while doing 
a routine search last week. About 300 live poisonous cobras 
escaped and wandered the airport after a man received a 
request from officials to display the contents of his bag. 
The reason why the man who had just disembarked a flight 
from Cairo was carrying the serpents is unknown.

         GopherCentral's Question of the Week
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, You Are Being Sued. I have been experiencing long-
lasting, embarrassing erections after reading your column 
for the last several weeks.  My attorney will contact you 
as soon as I figure out exactly why I'm suing you.
[I wouldn't worry about it. I get that too.]

Lewis, I have a good dildo story...I was on my way to a 
bachelorette and i was in charge of buying the 'toys' for 
the bride.  Well, i bought the biggest dildo you can 
imagine along with some other kinky stuff.  i had to stop 
at a drug store to pick up wrapping paper and ribbon and 
as I was leaving, the alarm went off and the security 
guard came to look through my purse...he pulled out the 
dildo and started cracking up so much that the other 
security guards came over too...i told them it was for 
a bachelorette party and they all just looked at me and 
said "uh huh,"...that was the most embarrassing thing 
that has ever happened to me. 
[The thing that strikes me about this story is that only 
a woman would think to wrap a dildo in paper and ribbon.]

i'm gonna keep an eye on the results of the fat man suing 
fast food restraunts. if he has it his way with burger king 
then i'm suing KY Jelly for "tennis elbow"  --adam

Haven't there already been americans who've sued tobacco 
companies for getting cancer? -James
[You may be right. I should look into that, because if 
it's true it would make my comment last week look bitingly 
sarcastic and clever.]

Why would someone want to visualize you wearing their under-
wear? Though I'm sure you'd look just dashing in a bra.
[Ahem...that man-ssiere to you.]

Didn't read past that last comment about the woman at the 
airport in your article.  Would you please unsubscribe me. 
I'm not a feminist, but the remark about it being funnier 
because it happened to a woman was just not acceptable. 
Some women are more easily embarrassed than others. Doesn't 
make them fodder for fools to make derisive editorials about 
them. No offense intended to you, of course.
[No offense to me...but then I wasn't the one with a vib-
rating dildo.]

Lewis: If you were surprised that a female could recognize 
you by seeing your naked bottom think about this: My sister-
in-law came home very angry.  She had an appointment with 
the gynecologist and she had been positioned with her feet 
in the stirrups and a sheet covering her from waist down. 
The doctor walked into the room and asked the nurse who it 
was and before she could answer he lifted the sheet and said 
"Oh Jean!"  -Dorry
[Interesting story...it makes me afraid to ever meet my proc-
tologist in the grocery store.]

Hey Lewis! About the couple who forgot to ancor their boat 
when they went for a dip... 14 hours seems like a long time 
to tread water. Why didn't they try to swim to the edge of 
the lake? -Molly
[Well, Lake Michigan is 307 miles long and 118 miles wide. 
They might not have been able to see the shore.]

It's been like "Groundhog Day" this week. I've received that 
same issue of bizzare news at least three times. Maybe your 
mailer is cycling a "send" command on it's own. Or, is this 
another bizzare story in the making, hmmm...?  --Bob
[The mail server went a little schizophrenic last week, at 
least that's how I interpreted the jargon the computer guy 
was spewing at me. It seems the server kept re-setting it-
self and would start over at the beginning of the list. So 
the subscribers at the end of the list have no idea what 
we're talking about.]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: 
Email Lewis
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