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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Wet T-Shirt Contest

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Classic Bizarre - Wet T-Shirt Contest <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
         CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, December 19, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Do you think the US spied on Princess Diana?

Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week

Greetings Fellow Bizarros:

While we were in Tampa, the weather was nothing but rain. 
But the good thing about that was there were no lines at 
rides at Busch Gardens. It seems like other tourists have 
a problem getting wet. I, on the other hand, like it wet! 

Busch Gardens is a cross between an amusement park and zoo. 
The highlight for me at any zoo comes when I visit the pri-
mates. You know that we share about 98.5% of our DNA with 
these creatures. Chadwick, our editor of Up Yours! might 
share an extra percentage point or two.

So, here we were, my wife and three sons walking by the 
Orangutan area and one of these orange imitations of a 
chimp starts to scratch its balls. My 10-year-old started 
laughing hysterically--asking, "Look, what is that Orangutan 

Naturally, I used this as an opportunity to be the instruc-
tive father that I am. I said, "Son, that ape is scratching 
his balls."

My son was not satisfied and asked, "Why?"

"My guess is that the humidity in the air is causing chafing 
and perspiration in the genital area. This irritation can 
only be relieved by surface stimulation." 

This seemed to quiet him as we headed for a roller coaster 
to brave. But the rain kept coming and going. Another good 
part of the rain was that there were many opportunities to 
leer at these ladies who looked like they entered a wet 
T-shirt contest. I asked the bosses if we could do an on-line 
Wet T-shirt contest at the Bizarre News website. So far, 
they are mulling it over.

I thought that we would get all you ladies to send in photos 
of yourself in a wet T-shirt, set up a voting mechanism and 
give the winner a prize. Seems like a fine Bizarre contest 
to launch--with only two requirements: entries would be 
restricted to females (sorry guys) and subscribers. Anyone 
could vote though.

If you like this idea, visit BizarreNews.com and fill out 
the poll about this. I need all the help I can get to pull 
this off. Anyway, I will be back in the office next week. 
I am on the road, writing from Kennesaw, GA. This place is 
a trip. They passed a law REQUIRING you to have a handgun. 
That is why we stopped here for the night. I figured it 
would be safe!



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum

+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as 
can the salon owner. 

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on 
Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. 

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking 
fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. 

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a 

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. 

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. 

You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM on Thursdays. 

Oral sex is illegal. 

You may not kiss your wife's breasts. 

Horse theft is still punishable by hanging.

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---------------- Porn Finally Out of Ideas -----------------

NEW ZEALAND - A porn actress by the name of "Nicky" is four
months pregnant and wants to give birth on film. The pro-
duction has been tentatively titled "Ripe" and will follow 
the entire process...with plenty of scenes on how she got 
that way. To date three scenes have been shot since the 
woman, a former stripper, auditioned a month ago. One scene 
remains to be shot before she gives birth. The Department 
of Child, Youth and Family Services wants to separate the 
mother and child if the film is completed, but the laws are 
not clear on whether this is child abuse. 

-------- And the Criminals Keep Getting Dumber... ----------

CINCINNATI, Ohio - In addition to having to worry about car
accidents, distractions, and children fighting, drivers also
need to be aware of carjackers. In Cincinnati, two carjackers
jumped into a woman's car and demanded all of her cash. Which
amounted to about $8. So the woman cleverly offered to stop
at the supermarket and cash a check for them. Only, instead
of filling out the check, she wrote "call police" on the
document, and the cashier immediately notified authorities.
According to police, the men were caught in the shop's park-
ing lot and have been charged with kidnapping and robbery. 

-------- Extra Large Condoms Not Needed in Britain ---------

Britain - The Condomi condom company has officially declared
its XXL condom a flop in Britain. They claim sales are low
because British men are too shy to purchase the larger-sized
condoms. Apparently, though, men in Germany, France and Italy
aren't that bashful because the XXLs sell well in those
countries. Researchers believe British men are just modest:
"Research shows that most men rate their penis as smaller 
than average, which of course is not true," Dr. Glenn Wilson
said. Oddly enough, it's only the British men that have this
ailment. Victoria Wells, a Condomi rep, said, "Unfortunately,
UK retailers aren't as convinced as we are that British men
are well-endowed, but we hope that our research, coupled 
with Dr. Wilson's research, will help convince them to now
start selling the XXL product."

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---------- Malaysians Find a New Way to Get High -----------

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Malaysia has some of the strictest
anti-drug laws; thus, some addicts are sinking to new lows
to get high. Gone were the days of glue sniffing, gasoline
smells and the like, now it's time for sniffing fresh cow
dung. An official explained the addiction, "The cow dung 
emits gases like sulfur, and addicts sniff on these gases to 
get high." Despite hanging laws for drug traffickers, "new"
highs have yet to be addressed. A National Narcotics Agency
official said, "The problem is not very serious yet, but we
are worried as this method means addicts can get high for

--- "Get Out of Jail" Kit for Sale from Drug Traffickers ---

QUEBEC Canada - Raymond Turmel believes it's hit consti-
tuional right to grow and traffic marijuana for medicinal 
purposes, but the government didn't exactly agree. The 
49-year-old was sentenced to 18 months for growing and 
possessing cannabis for the purpose of trafficking, but 
was released from jail until his appeal is heard. In the 
meantime, Turmel is already beginning his next entrepre-
neurial effort - selling "get-out-of-jail" kits online, on 
his Medpot website. The kit comes complete with appeal forms 
that are partly filled in for people to print off. Hopefully 
this will help others experiencing the same injustice as


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis ~ Waffle Houses are a southern institution. WaHo as us 
southerners affectionatley call it, or the Awful Waffle, has 
the ability to cure a hangover no matter how serious...hash 
browns-scattered,smothered, covered, and chopped.  Its a 
frickin godsend. -Peter
[Sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen.]

Lewis, why about burning all of our money too just because 
it says "In God we trust" Just a thought...Laura
[You go ahead and get started.]

I enjoy your "Bizarrenews" -- I print it off for my mom who 
dosen't have a computer or want one! She then shares it with 
her friends when they play cards on Friday's. -Sue Medley
[Hi Mom.]

ARGH! Hello? Why does everyone forget about us Alaskans? We 
aren't UNDER Canada so that was an extra stupid comment. 
Love your newsletter, hate the idiots. -Jennifer, in Alaska 
[So I guess that would be...one nation, straddling Canada. 
Ooo...sounds kinky.]

Lewis keep it up...Buck the butt loving fortune teller had 
me laughing out loud. Why didn't I think of that, tell their 
fortune and charge for my services all the while fondling 
their bottoms.  I have to wonder what I could tell about 
ones future or past from the breasts. What a way to make a 
living. -John (Portland OR)
[But then again, you never know who's going to walk through 
your door.]

re boy with spear gun...I guess some kids will do anything 
for a piercing...

So, Lewis, if semen is an Antidepressant is that why they 
call homosexual men "gay"?  -Lisa
[Interesting observation, Lisa.]

I figure the only reason he chose to ride his bike to Alabama, 
as opposed to taking a train, is because he looked at a map 
and figured it was all downhill! --Christine

Lewis - I agree on how enjoyable the prefaces are. I could 
care less on the stories - I read both you and TZ purely 
for the commentaries. Oh yeah, and give Chadwick my number. 
I'll put a smile on his beady little face. -Wendy
[The generosity of women never ceases to amaze me.]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: 
Email Lewis
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