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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Transvestite Sues Beauty School

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>          

     CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, January 19, 2007           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Well, we opened the floodgates with questions to
AskLewis@BizarreNews.com. Some of the questions will lead
to future columns, so thanks for the ideas. I cannot answer
all 512 questions, so I will simply answer a few at random.

Why do you call it the World Series when you do not invite
even a single team out of the USA? -Ankur Jain

[Well, Ankur, we do have two teams in Canada (Toronto Blue
Jays and the Montreal Expos). Of course we have made sure
to keep Alabama out of the league. I think that when people
start kicking the ball around the infield, the rest of the
world will clamor to get in on the action.]

Why is anal sex called "Greek"?  -Gerald Grealish

[The ancient Greeks used to encourage homosexuality with
their armies because they thought they would fight better
if their sexual appetites were satisfied. They did not take
women with them to battle, so they made do with what
they had.]

Lewis, are you tall and skinny? -Lynn McKenzie

[No, stop fantasizing. I am a middle-aged adolescent!]

How did the expression, "Hold your horses" start? -C. Butler

[It started as a horse racing term, when horses had to be
held at the starting gate.]

OK, Lewis, here is a question I've never heard anyone ask
or anyone answer, not even in the Q&A session at my 8th
grade sex ed class...why does it hurt SO much to get nailed
in the nads. -Ian

[The testicles are very sensitive because they have a shit
load of nerves. There is very little there protecting the
nads except a little skin and hair.]

When I see a beautiful women that looks good enough to eat,
how do I safely approach her and get good results?

[Glad you asked that. Try, "so i noticed you're a girl" or
"I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only
one talking to you." You can check out BizarreNews.com
because we have some of the best "pick up" lines ever used,
at least they are bizarre!]

We have a great issue lined up for you so sit back, relax
and enjoy. 



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum

+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ 

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. 

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of 
a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Baldwin Park, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a 
swimming pool. 

In Belvedere, there is a City Council order which reads: "No 
dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." 

In Blythe, you are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless 
you already own at least two cows. 

In Chico, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits 
results in a $500 fine. 

In Los Angeles, you may not hunt moths under a street light
and toads may not be licked. 

In Pacific Grove, molesting butterflies can result in a $500 

In San Francisco, persons classified as "ugly" may not walk 
down any street.


------- Doctor Leaves Surgery Patient to Visit Bank --------

MA - Here's something Dr. Welby would NEVER do. David Arndt, 
an orthopedic left his patient last month with an open 
incision in his back. Why? It seems the good doctor is just
like the rest of us in that he had some overdue bills and
needed to rush his paycheck to the bank.

After his 35-minute trip to the bank, Arndt returned to the 
operating room and finished the surgery within a few hours. 
The patient did not suffer any harm from Arndt's absence and 
was able to recover in the intensive care unit. Arndt's 
license has been suspended.



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Here's a flashlight you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. 
It can swivel up and down, or all around. You can even clip it 
on your belt, shirt pocket, on a cap, just about anywhere.
Swivel Head Flashlight

------ Transvestite Sues Beauty School Over Rejection ------

LOS ANGELES - A transvestite sued a Los Angeles beauty school, 
claiming his application was rejected when school officials 
realized he was not a woman. The plaintiff, known only as 
"Sandy," passed a test, paid a $100 fee, was accepted to 
the school and was told to report for classes in August. 
Apparently when school owners found out Sandy was a man, they 
were concerned with which bathroom facilities he would use. 
School officials had no comment on the lawsuit. 

----------- Mom Made to Drink Own Breast Milk --------------

New York - A nursing mother boarding an airplane with her 
infant daughter at Kennedy Airport was forced to drink her 
own breast milk from three bottles she was bringing on board 
with her. Security wanted to make sure the milk did not pose 
any threat to other passengers. This procedure was within 
federal guidelines at the time. The policy has since been 


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---------------- If Mike Tyson Were A Woman ----------------

LONGVIEW, TX - A woman was jailed after punching out her 
husband. Okay that doesn't sound so bizarre now does it? 
Here's the bizarre point... the woman who was arrested 
for punching and scratching her husband was about to be 
released after her husband posted her bail, but she 
couldn't wait to get out of the courthouse before taking 
another swing at him. Which just landed her in jail again. 

--------------- Please Don't Feed the Fishes ---------------

NEW ORLEANS - The pride of the Aquarium of the Americas in 
New Orleans is their shark tank. 400,000 gallons of water 
teaming with tooth-infested, flesh-eating death attracts 
hundreds of thousands of visitors every year. Earlier this 
week a party of people was standing on a cat-walk used 
by keepers to feed the sharks when the platform gave way, 
precipitating ten people into the water. It took nearly 15 
minutes for workers to rescue the unwilling bathers while 
the sharks swam around their frantically kicking feet. "I 
was just praying none of the sharks got agitated from all 
of the splashing." said one man, "I mean, they got sharks 
in there bigger than me!" No one was seriously injured.

         GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Should impeachment proceedings be brought against President 

     Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

You know your comment about the schizophrenic server actually 
made me feel very good. Since it starting at the beginning 
of the list every time means, that you joined in the early 
days when Bizarre News was still in it's infancy and people 
still thought having a cellphone removed from your ass (do 
you remember that one?) was bizarre. --Francois
[Yes, I do remember that one. It's still one of my favorite 

Great work with Bizarre news... keep up the terrific job of 
keeping me awake for at least 10 minutes during my work day!
[I'm sorry, am I keeping you awake at work? Perhaps you could 
subscribe at home?] 

This was my first issue, thank you for the laughs!
[A virgin no longer. I hope reading your first issue didn't 

Great everyone seems to have gotten duplicates but me. I 
didn't get it at all. Could you please send me the missed 
issue 3-5 times so I don't feel left out? --Thomas

Lewis, I've been waiting with anticipation about the wet 
teeshirt contest... what's the lastest on that? 
[We have somebody hammering out the rules and we have some-
body hammering out a web page with some kind of voting on 
it. In other words there is a lot of hammering going on 
right now. As soon as we get close I'll start asking for 

I have a copy of that book, Games You Can Play With Your 
Pussy! It's one of the funniest book of short stories I've 
read.  I highly recommend it. -Debbie, Nacogdoches, TX
[Ah, the great metropolis of Nacogdoches, TX.]

Lewis, An Amtrack train leaves New York at noon traveling 
south at 100 mph. Another Amtrack leaves Philadelphia at 
12:30pm traveling north at 110 mph. At what time do they 
both derail? --Sam
[And people were calling me callous for the Ann Landers

Hey! I love your ingenious way you grab my attention. I enjoy 
your site and share you with my colleagues, who in turn share. 
So you will be more famous than Brad Pitt!
[I thought that was Kevin Bacon. We could start a new game...
"Seven Degrees of Bizarre News." The woman with a cell phone 
up her ass used a Nokia, which is also the brand used by the 
guy who called his wife when he got lost while kayaking in 
the Atlantic, who comes from the same town as the lawyer who 
spanked his client's bare ass...]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: 
Email Lewis
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