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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Lawsuit Over Vibrating Dildo

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>          

          CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, January 5, 2007           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Do you agree with Saddam's hanging?

Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

We've all had our little moments of embarrassment. I remember 
one incident, during my youthful and impetuous years, when my 
roommate brought a date home to our apartment. For some reason 
he brought her into my bedroom where I was already engaged 
with another young lady. With my bare ass in the air I noticed 
the overhead light switch on, and before I could turn around 
I heard a female voice gasp, "Oh my God! I know you!" 

He had, by bizarre coincidence, brought home one of my co-
workers. How she recognized me from the viewpoint she had is 
still to this day a mystery. 

But this kind of thing happens, as it did to a woman who was 
recently pulled off a Delta Air Lines flight in Dallas. 
It seems that while the plane was waiting for luggage to be 
loaded security noticed a buzzing sound coming from one of 
the bags belonging to 36-year-old Renee Koutsouradis. The 
flight attendant paged her over the plane's loudspeaker 
and asked her to meet security on the tarmac outside of the 
plane. There, in full view of the passengers onboard, they 
made her open her bag to display the vibrating dildo she 
and her husband had just purchased in Las Vegas. 

She said the agent took her to the bag on the tarmac and 
made her remove the toy and hold it up. Some passengers on 
the plane saw everything, and three male Delta employees 
"began laughing hysterically" and made "obnoxious and sex-
ually harassing comments." 

Guess what? She's going to sue. 

The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages, accusing Delta of 
negligence, intentional infliction of distress and gender 

Infliction of distress, perhaps. Negligence, probably not. 
But gender discrimination? Who would honestly believe that 
security would not have done it if the passenger's name 
were male? Of course, it's so much funnier since it's a 



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...


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---------- Cloning Machine Finally on the Market -----------

To hear a group of South Korean scientists talk, they have 
developed the break-through invention of the age...a cloning 
machine. The Discovery cable channel reports a group called 
the Clonaid Society says it is able to clone humans using 
its new RMX2010 machine. Not only does the group says the 
machine works, it's making it available on the Internet for 
$9,000. The Clonaid Society is an offshoot of a cult called 
the Raelian sect. Leaders say they are thrilled the United 
States does not yet have laws against human cloning and 
feel this country will be a great market for the invention.
By the way, the Raelian sect was founded in the early '70s by 
a former Canadian journalist, Claude Vorihon. He considers 
himself a prophet and claims to have about 55,000 followers.

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----- Horses Fail Drug Tests, Must Be the Poppy Fields -----

TASMANIA - Zero-tolerance policies are constantly in the 
news, as Tasmania recently discovered. Six racehorses have
been disqualified in the past year after traces of opium
were found in their system. Even though their trainers sus-
pect poppies have been blown or deposited into the horses'
feed, the zero-tolerance policy of Racing calls for immediate 
disqualification. A horse trainers' rep, Chris Crook, said
the opium deposits are so rampant that "it's a problem and
no Tasmanian feed supplier can guarantee their feed is 
clean." Additionally, he claims the amounts of opium in the
horses' systems are so minute, that it couldn't possibly
affect their performance. In the meantime, the suspected
doping horses have to sit out of the races. 

---- Coming Soon to a Store Near You: Instant Cow Dung -----

INDIA - Hindus purify places of worship by sprinkling them
with cow dung and water. What if you live in an urban area
and cows are scare? How is one to sanctify an area then? 
Enter an Indian dairy firm. An Indian company recently
created the product "instant cow dung" to help these very 
people. The new instant product requires the dung to be
mixed with camphor, turmeric, and sandalwood paste. Thrilled
with the improved smell, one housewife said, "I used to 
avoid cow dung because of its bad odor. But this Holy Cow
Dung does not smell that bad, and I am going to apply it at
home." Many urban spiritualists claimed their holy rituals
were incomplete without cow dung, so the Agri Gold Company
quickly marketed the mixed version.


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---------------- Dealers Trade Art for Blow ----------------

The scheme was doomed from the beginning but really fell 
apart when the suspects didn't have enough cash for the 
drugs. So they tried to swap two famous, highly identifiable 
paintings by Spanish Master Francisco de Goya and im-
pressionist Tsuguhanu Foujita for 4,400 pounds of cocaine.
The paintings were believed to be worth $1 million each. DEA 
agent Anthony Angell says one suspect offered to transport 
drugs for Colombian drug traffickers -- who actually were DEA 
informants. The cocaine was shipped to Paris where police 
seized 1,768 pounds in a Paris suburb. The cocaine lost in 
the seizures meant there wasn't enough money left to pay the 
believed-to-be Colombian traffickers for the drugs so the 
suspects tried to use the paintings as payment.

------------ Shanghai Bears Diss Water for Coke ------------

SHANGHAI, China - Despite rising temperatures, thirsty bears
at the Shanghai Wildlife Park are refusing water. Their drink
of choice? Coca Cola. Keepers at the zoo make sure to feed
the bears chilled watermelon and apples, but with temperatures 
practically unbearable, the animals have resorted to begging
for drinks. They stand on their hind legs and fold their
arms to beg tourists. The onlookers have been giving them 
bottles of water and Coke, but the bears want nothing to do 
with the water. A news agency said, "The bears drink up every 
drop of Coca Cola they get, but kick away a bottle of taste-
less mineral water after a few mouthfuls." I sense a new 
marketing campaign on the horizon...


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hi Lewis! They've got a hum-dinger of a problem in Kokomo, 
Indiana. People in this otherwise quiet city of 47,000 have 
been hearing a strange, unidentified hum. It's been making 
some of them sick and the city has appropriated $100,000 to 
get to the bottom of it. -Rebecca 
[If it's coming from under your covers at night (or from 
your luggage) I have a good idea what it might be...]

An obese man suing fast food places because he became fat? 
What's next, smokers suing tobacco companies because they 
got cancer? -Steve 
[Of course not. That would just be stupid.]

Hey Lewis, this suing crap is getting rediculous.  Next thing 
you know, men will be suing their parents for little penises 
and women for lack of boobs.  
[My parents won't be seeing the inside of a court room any 
time soon.]

Lewis, If I fantasize about you wearing my bra and panties, 
does that make me a lesbian? --Paula
[Blind, perhaps, but not necessarily a lesbian.]

You know, I have withdrawals as soon as I finish reading your 
column...do you think I need to seek treatment? -Shannan
[Not unless you start developing hives.]

Lewis, Here is a tip for your readers.  Never have sex in a 
tub of green jello it stains the skin.
[Thanks for the tip. Note to self: Return two cases of Jello 
and inquire about volume pudding prices.]

I asked my doctor if my colonoscopy would hurt...he said 
"I promise you, I won't feel a thing." 
[If he's anything like my doctor, just make sure he doesn't 
have both hands on your hips while he's administering the 

I am constanly telling my friends and coworkers about the 
stories I read in Bizarre News, but there are too many 
good ones to remember and I'm too lazy to manually transfer 
to my Palm device.  Any way you could add an attachment 
that would be in a compatibale format for my Palm? -Garry
[Sure. It's the BEST OF BIZARRE NEWS book. It will fit 
right in your palm. Check out the link at the bottom of 
this page.]

Lewis, what do you think of this...? Planet X is the planet 
which is supposedly going to pass by earth, 14 million miles 
away at it's closest, in May to June of 2003 on it's journey 
around the sun every 3600 years. Planet X's passage next 
year could be the greatest catastrophic infliction of loss 
of life upon mankind. Volcanoes all over the Earth will erupt 
along with multiple high magnitude earthquakes, whereby two 
thirds of the Earth's population will be annihilated. 
[This sounds very familiar. In fact, it sounds exactly like 
the 1951 sci-fi classic "When Worlds Collide." Great movie.]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to:  
Email Lewis
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