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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Genital Laws

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>          

         CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, December 22, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Do you think the US spied on Princess Diana?

Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

You know, I am getting juusst a bit tired of these lawsuits 
about silly things. The first story below is about a guy in 
a wheel chair who is suing because he can't go to the local 
strip bar and get a "proper lap dance." This ranks with the 
lady who scorched her crotch at a McDonald's drive through 
because she put scalding hot coffee between her legs...and 
it spilled in a place that should be wet only after dark.

What are we coming to? Pretty soon there will be an entire 
course dealing with genital law. Oh yeah, we still have 
the poll up on http://www.BizarreNews.com asking you the 
important question, "Should we run a Wet T-shirt contest on 
Bizarre News?" When we get 10,000 people to respond, I will 
walk in to the boss' office and say, "See, I told you people 
would not be offended." It looks like 90 percent want us to 
run the contest.

I am sorry, but only ShagMail employees will choose the 
finalists (assuming we do this), but you the readers will 
choose the winner. 

I am back from vacation ready to bring you some of the best 
Bizarre News ever. In the meantime, if you are a budding 
musical talent and want a chance to get a contract, we really 
are running a contest for the best talent in every genre. If 
the ad appears in this issue, click on it. If the ad is not 
(I don't pick the ads), here is a link. There is a small pro-
cessing fee, but this is the real thing. Click on the link:

Thanks folks and it is good to be back!



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum


+--------------- Bizarre December Hoidays -----------------+ 
Check it out at www.BizarreNews.com
Visit Bizarre News

-------- Sleazy Sex Must Be Available for Everybody --------

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. - A quadriplegic has filed suit against 
a strip club - because he can't get his wheelchair into it's 
lap-dancing room. The suit said that while other patrons 
enjoy lap dances in the privacy of the special room, his have 
to take place in public. His lawyer, who brought the suit 
under the Americans with Disabilities Act, also charges that 
the stage where strippers gyrate for tips is too high for his 
client to view from his wheelchair. 


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------------- Armed Gang of Clowns on the Loose ------------

MANCHESTER, England - An armed gang of clowns is on the 
loose in England. A group of three clowns pulled off the 
perfect heist at a local wine bar and handcuffed a manager,
threatening him with a sawn-off shotgun and a knife. They
escaped with "a small amount of money" according to authori-
ties. Then came a wild goose chase. Inspector Darren Shenton
said the clowns took off in a van and managed to escape 
police pursuit even though they were involved in three car
accidents along the way. In a statement, Shenton said, 
"There is no doubt that anyone walking along the road at the
time the robbers were heading into or out of the building
would have spotted them, especially as they were dressed as
clowns." Police are now appealing to the public for infor-
mation on the wild bunch. 

-- No Compensation for Lawyer Spanking Client's Buttocks ---

CONNECTICUT - A client sued her lawyer in 1999 for emotional
distress after he spanked her bare buttocks, but the claim
has been rejected. The woman's lawyer claimed he put her over
his knee to stop her from fidgeting before appearing in court
so her testimony would appear to be more believable. Then he 
claimed he didn't have any assets, so the woman proceeded to
sue his insurance company with whom he had a malpractice
policy for $250,000. American Home insurance company refused
to pay out, saying that "The perverted act of intentionally
fondling the bare bottoms of female clients cannot and is not
part of the practice of law." The Connecticut Law Tribune
the whole thing "is certain to make the legal system the butt
of more jokes." Like that's possible.  

------------- Man Arrested for "Armed" Assault -------------

PORT HURON, Michigan - A television station in Detroit, 
Michigan, reported that a 29-year-old man is in trouble for
a fight Saturday night. The bickering quickly escalated to an
all-out fight, and the unidentified man used his prosthetic
arm to hit the 40-year-old victim, Richard Brooks. He swung
the arm at Brooks's face and left a deep cut. Brooks has 
been treated at the hospital and is reportedly doing fine.
In the meantime, the perpetrator is expected to be arraigned
on charges of assault with intent to do great bodily harm.


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---------- Man Bitten by Pet Cobra, Goes for Beer ----------

DULUTH, Minnesota - What do you do when your venomous pet 
Egyptian cobra snake bites you on the hand? You go for a 
beer, of course! When David Anderson's (known as "Crazy 
Dave"), snake bit him twice, he went to the local bar because
he didn't have a phone at home. He chugged a beer before even
telling anyone what happened to him. He was rushed to the 
hospital, and the Milwaukee County Zoo had to send over 
antivenin, to which Dave turned out to be allergic. He was
reported in fair condition two days later. Anderson apparently
got off lucky because cobra bites often cause loss of muscle
control and the ability to breathe. Neighbors knew he kept
a snake, but they had no idea it was venomous. It's illegal
to possess a venomous snake in Minnesota.


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

You're right about Busch Gardens being a hybrid zoo/aumsement 
park. My most vivid memory of BG is all the Japanese tourists 
snapping photos of the white tigers as they were taking a 
dump! --Steve
[Yes, I can see as how that would stick in your mind.]

What's a titmouse?
[Oh, it's about the same as a henway.]

Personally I think an online wet t-shirt contest would be 
great. If only you could talk my fiance into letting me 
participate. -Jessica
[Come on, Jessica's fiance, think what it would do for your 
reputation if she won? Plus, she'll undoubtedly let you take 
the pictures.]

ok, i am sure that the oversized condom in britain article 
was just coincidentally followed by an ad for a "great LITTLE 
TOOL kit".... or was it really a coincidence?
[Oh no! Another person who has started reading the ads. If 
this trend continues this publication might actually generate 
a sale!]

Lewis, As to Alaska being part of the United States...I still 
have my doubts. I really don't even know if it exists or not. 
I have never been there...however, I have been to Canada.
[No you haven't. That was Minnesota.]

I really like your publication - I am one of those weird ones 
who get UP YOURS! and Chadwick is the greatest too. By the 
way, does everyone at shagmail work at the same place, do you 
all get along well enough?
[Oooo, I'm sorry to hear that you're subscribed to Up Yours! 
Yes, most of the editors know each other, even the ones who 
don't work in the office. And we all get along with Chadwick 
as long as he doesn't violate the restraining order.] 

Hey Lewis! How about a wet jockey shorts contest for the guys?
[I'll think about it, but I don't know where we'll ever find 
enough jockeys.]

Lewis, you're way too cool to be a journalist...
[And I'm way too warm to be a reptile.] 

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: 
Email Lewis
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