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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Dad Has Sons Help in Burglury

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>          

        CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, December 26, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
          
Should we end our embargo of Cuba?

Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week
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Greetings Fellow Bizarros:

The reason this story caught my eye is that we have run 
this list before. It is a contest to submit bad opening 
sentences to imaginary novels. In this case the worst 
punning and most unrealistic imagery wins. 

Lists of entries to this contest circulate around the Inter-
net every year. You might recognize examples like, "The 
boat drifted across the water exactly like a bowling ball 
wouldn't." That is from this contest. 

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest has been sponsored by San 
Jose State University for the last 21 years. This year the 
winning narrative goes to Oakland, California resident Rephah 
Berg. She has actually won in two different categories two 
years in a row now. This year's "burst of wit" as she likes 
to call them is as follows...

"On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with 
Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride 
but more like when the toilet-paper roll gets a little squashed 
so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can 
hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go 
nuts and push it back into shape." 

As long as you have a talent for something, that's the im-
portant part. 

Following up on the Bizarre Wet T-shirt Contest, the response 
was overwhelming. We well exceeded the ten thousand positive 
votes the CEO wanted to see before giving permission to move 
forward with the project. Now all we have to do is build a 
page with a voting feature and we will be ready to start 
soliciting entries. I will keep you posted as we make pro-
gress. 

And now, on with the bizarre. 

Bizarrely,

Lewis


P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum

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Visit Bizarre News


-------------- Man Scares Relative; Gets Shot --------------

ARTESIA, New Mexico - The Garcia family encountered a freak
shooting accident on their annual fishing trip. Late one
night, the family was walking along a trail when some of
them decided it would be funny to sneak ahead, hide behind
some bushes, and scare the others. Oh, they scared them all
right. In fact, one relative was so frightened that he shot
and wounded Felix Garcia, 36, three times before realizing 
who the culprit was. Felix was wounded in the stomach, hip, 
and thigh, but it wasn't life-threatening. Lt. Britt Snyder 
of the Sheriff's Department said, "The investigation is 
still ongoing to determine whether any charges will be 
filled. There doesn't appear to be any intent."

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------ Dad Takes Sons to Help in Neighborhood Burglary -----

PENNSYLVANIA - Police in Pennsylvania report that a father
of two boys, ages 4 and 6, took them with on a friendly
excursion to their neighbor's house. To rob them. The home-
owner's returned in the middle of the burglary, and they 
found the two boys waiting for their dad. The infamous
parent, Shawn Popish, has been charged with burglary,
criminal trespass and corruption of minors. In his defense,
Popish claims he was trying to STOP a burglary in process,
but police aren't buying the story and say it's "very 
unlikely". In the meantime, the children were given to 
their mother.  


-------------- "Macho" Stunt Sets Off Tear Gas -------------

MARSEILLES, Illinois - Police are investigating a stunt from 
last week that involved tear gas. A group of men, which may 
have included two emergency workers, held hands in a circle, 
ignited a gas canister, and waited to see who could tough it 
out the longest. They failed to take into account the block 
party that was occurring nearby. Police responded to an emer-
gency call. Police chief James Hovious said, "The gas was 
causing respiratory problems for the victims, irritating 
their eyes." Hovious estimated that 5-10 people at the party 
were affected by the gas, but no one needed to be transported 
to the hospital. Police have one suspect who set off the gas, 
but no arrests have been made. 


------------- Nude Surfing...On the Family Car -------------

JACKSONVILLE, Florida - A happy young couple was driving
through Jacksonville with their three-year-old daughter 
when a naked man tried to get in their car. Startled, they
immediately locked the doors and attempted to drive away.
The nudist clung to the hood and banged on the windscreen. 
His bizarre behavior didn't end there - he then jumped on 
the roof in a surfing motion. After that, he jumped to the 
ground, where he was found not moving. Frazzled, he was 
unable to answer questions and was taken to jail on in-
decent exposure and criminal damage charges. Police report 
the nude surfer was under drug influence.

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--- Aim High - Jobless Teen Charges for "Mediocre" Advice --

CANADA - In addition to enduring a painful breakup, Canadian
teenager Trevor Dame couldn't find a summer job and needed 
to more resourceful to earn money. For 25 cents, he dispenses
"mediocre" advice to passersby. The teenager feared customers
would want a refund if he advertised "good" advice, but he
felt he could handle giving "mediocre" advice. Thus, he
scaled back his operation and wore a sign that said "Medio-
cre advice - 25 cents" to attract customers. Dame explained
his motivation, "I just went through a breakup, I can't find
a summer job, and I was feeling lonely and bored. I thought
I'd do this and make some money and hopefully make people
smile." Next up - a lemonade stand.

-------------------------------------------------------------


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Who's the kid with the evil bug eyes on your web pages? It's 
exactly how I pictured your child after a roadtrip! -Barb
[That's very close to what my wife looked like after our last 
road trip (although that is definitely not my wife).]


Dearest of Lewises, Imagine my surprise when around two years 
ago I began receiving Bizarre News. When had I subscribed? 
Was someone playing a trick on me? I had concluded that it 
was an immaculate subscription. I love your wit, Lewis, and 
even your "soft core" insults towards us Canadians. --Sandra


Lewis, Now that I know what a titmouse is, what's a henway? 
 --Fredrick
[Ahem...about three pounds. By the way...a dedicated subscriber 
sent in an actual picture of a titmouse. I posted it on the 
web page so head over to www.bizarrenews.com and check it out.]


i'm gonna bite and ask you: what's a henway?
[Hold up, now. Only Mrs. Lewis is allowed to bite.]


Hey Lewis, did you hear that in Australia recently, a female
telecommunications worker was fined $3000 for having too many 
personal items on her desk. Her crime? Apparently she had 4 
photographs on her desk instead of the maximum of 3.
[Why that selfish tramp!]


I won't vote [on the wet t-shirt contest] because I don't 
care one way or the other. (And I'm female.) What is the 
point?  It is hardly bizarre, unless a requirement is to 
have an odd number of breasts. 
[Hmmm...a new category?]


I think an online wet tshirt contest would be a wonderful 
idea. I will for sure send my pic in...36 DD
[Make sure to use a wide lens.]


Lewis, At least some people out there know Alaska's part of
the US.  I'm from Hawaii and the majority of the people who 
visit us still think we're only a US territory.
[Nope. That's part of Minnesota, too.]


OK, this is Jennifer in Alaska again. Just because YOU have 
never been to Alaska doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Why don't 
you come for a visit...the moose are REEEAL friendly...go 
ahead, pet one.
[A moose bit my sister once.]


Lewis, Just to let you know how popular you are.  I won an 
autographed version of the first Bizarre News book on e-bay 
that I keep here at work.  Some unknown culprit snagged it 
the other day and I haven't seen it since!  It appears to 
be a well coveted piece of literature! -Mandy
[The heartless bastard. Is a woman's signed Best of Bizarre 
News book not even safe any more?]


------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: 
Email Lewis
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Looking for an image that will burn into your psyche forever? 
           Find the Bizarre photo of the week at:
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Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

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