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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Bizarre Celebrity Pseudonyms

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>          

     CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, January 30, 2007           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Well, I have to tell you about a pal of mine. We'll call
him Steve to protect his true identity. He has been visiting
a shrink for a few years and was referred to a special
hypnotherapist. It seems that he had an inkling of a "past
life" and went to have a "regression." This means that he
was hypnotized to gain access to his past lives. 

Apparently, after a three-hour session, he now believes that 
he has lived several lives, one as a saloon girl in Oklahoma 
in the 1880's. I know next to nothing about this "past life" 
phenomenon, but it sounded bizarre. So I asked the boss 
around here if they would pay for me to go through this past 
life regression. The cost is $500 and I would have to agree 
that the findings could be used for research and a book, as 
long as I was "anonymous."

So, the company has agreed to pay for my "therapy." I wonder
what I will find in my past. Who knows, maybe I was Caesar
or somebody famous. Now, I don't believe in this stuff at
all and I have been hypnotized once when I was in college.
The folks told me I was humping a chair in apparent splendor. 
I just never knew anything with four legs could be stim-
ulating. I have no recollection of the event, but in a 
preliminary call with the doctor, he said that since I had 
been hypnotized before, I was a "good candidate."

I will have to sign a release form. I am scheduled for this
procedure Friday at 2:00 PM. I will have a tape recording
of the session for me, so I can share with you what the
heck this is all about. I'll keep you posted. If you guys
are as intrigued as I am, you won't want to miss this
experience. Stay tuned,



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum

+-------------- Bizarre Celebrity Pseudonyms --------------+

If you're an international celebrity, sometimes the simple 
act of checking into a hotel or making a dinner reservation 
can bring out the gapers. Following are a few of the phony 
celebrity names dedicated gossip hunters have uncovered...

Tiger Woods - B. Simpson 
Kevin Costner - Frank Farmer (remember "The Bodyguard?")
Elton John - Bobo Latrine
Jimmy Buffett - Mr. Keys or Ward Robe   
Ringo Starr - Richard Monaco 
Cal Ripkin Jr. - Brad Carlton
Eddie Van Halen - Jack Moa
Bono - J. C. Penney 
Dave Matthews - 'Clockwork Orange.' 
Bill Maher - Bill Friar
Sharon Stone - Phoebe Turner 
Ozzy Osbourne - Harry Bollocks


------------------ Blame it on Miss Cleo -------------------

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- Marcus Isom claimed a spiritual advisor 
from Miss Cleo's psychic hotline led him to kill the wrong 
man. Apparently Isom believed the man he killed, Lemuel James 
Larkin, had stolen $15,000 in drug money from him and ordered 
his death to retaliate. Isom has been sentenced to life in 
prision. Miss Cleo declined to comment.  


Normal Price: $19.99

We are pleased to announce that we have found Full-Size 3'x5' 
American flags available at liquidation prices... never sold 
before at these low prices.

Made of durable polyester with two (2) metal grommets perfect 
for displaying. 

Its a great time to stock up AND pick up a couple for gifts, 
but there is a LIMIT of 8 per order. NO DEALERS PLEASE...
Liquidation Special - USA Flags

------------------- The Ultimate Excuse --------------------

TOKYO - A 13-year-old boy told his father someone broke into 
his home and started a fire in the living room. The father 
reported the crime to police. After police investigated and 
found no evidence of a burglary, the boy admitted to making 
up the story to cover up the fact he didn't do his homework. 
He even put fire to a stack of newspapers and a computer. 
Talk about going the distance. 

------------ The Wrong Target for a Carjacking -------------

LOS ANGELES - Tyrone Jermaine Hogan picked the wrong car to 
mess with when he attempted to carjack the Florida Inter-
national University judo team. After having completed one 
carjacking that evening, Hogan drove six blocks to a service 
station where he encountered a member of the team and 
attempted to reach in the van and steal the keys. The men 
proceeded to wrestle him to the floor until the police got 
there. "We had this guy like a pretzel on the ground," said 
instructor Nestor Bustillo. Looks like Hogan needs to go 
back to carjacking school.   


Store Price: $9.99
STEAL PRICE: 99 cents

Here they are. . . The HOTTEST Deck of Cards Around! Featured 
in newspapers and news broadcasts worldwide, you can now own 
your set of COLLECTIBLE Iraq's "Most Wanted" Deck of Playing 

Also known as the "Deck of Death," this is a replica of the 
55-card deck given to Coalition soldiers featuring Iraq's 52 
"Most-Wanted" leaders. This is a real, usable deck of playing 
cards printed on casino-quality stock.

Keep a deck for yourself and give the others to your friends and 
family. Great for keeping as a collector's item or to use for 
Poker night!

PLEASE NO DEALERS and We must limit you to only 8 decks per order.
Today's Deal of the Day

------------------ Idiot Kicked Off Plane ------------------

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic - When flying into the 
United States it's better not to make comments to your 
fellow passengers to the effect of, "It's much easier to 
smuggle weapons onto planes in the Dominican Republic." 
The unidentified man made the comment to two North American 
passengers just moments after takeoff. They wasted no time 
in informing the flight crew that a potential maniac was 
on board and the pilots landed the plane immediately. 
Police arrested the passenger on the ground, but discovered 
he was not armed with any weapons, or wits for that matter. 

---------------- Some of Our Favorite Goofs ----------------

Coca-Cola made a rather embarrassing mistake when printing 
the word 'disk' in the copyright information on about 2 
million 12-packs of the drink. In the misprint, the 's' is 
replaced by a 'c.' The error appeared on boxes of Olympic 
promotional packages of Coca-Cola Classic distributed in 
the Atlanta area in 1996. Normally, the small type under 
the copyright info states that the "red disk icon and 
contour bottle are trademarks of the Coca-Cola Co." A rep-
resentative was quick to claim that, "It was an innocent 

[Taken from the infallible 'Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.']

         GopherCentral's Question of the Week
Do you think America is ready for a female President?

     Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Speaking of mundane, I told my boyfriend that our sex every-
day at bedtime was mundane.  So, he has now made it his 
daily goal to "get me" when I least expect it. I have 
learned you can gripe at a man about anything, but if you 
complain about sex, it will get his attention.  --Margaret
[I bet that makes getting in and out of the shower an ad-

The upside for the patients who willingly paid $5 for brain 
surgery is that the risk of any noticeable damage afterward 
was minimal. -- Eric 

Lewis, The electric chair was invented by Thomas Edison to 
show the dangers of his rival Westinghouse's alternating 
[Maybe...but it's Nikola Tesla's AC and generators that 
light the world.]

I don't think I've ever seen this question addressed any-
where: Is there a correlation between vagina size and 
intelligence? -JW 
[Not that I know of...but I have seen a lot of discussion 
on this topic concerning breast size.]

Lewis: I used to drive for a ParaTranist company. I had to 
take a woman once to a place called "Ain't Nobody's Biz" 
A Lesbian bar. I refused to push the wheelchair inside. I 
don't go to bars myself and I wouldn't go into this one. 
A friend who is a Lesbian told me this bar is tough. she 
was talking to a woman when another came up and put a 
cigarette out on her leg. Just a way of saying, "You're 
talking to MY woman." Ouch! -Susie
[There are worse places she could have put it out!]

If Clinophobia is the fear of beds.  Then Clintonphobia must 
be the fear of getting caught in bed with...???
[It can't be any worse than clitophobia.]

The premarin hormone is made from the urine of pregnant
mares, while some forms of growth hormone and insulin are
manufactured from E coli, a human fecal bacterium. I wonder
what other 'modern' medicines have similar bizarre sources?
[How about penicillin?]

Even John Boy and Billie show their faces - NO FAIR! We
want to see who we're getting mail from a couple times a
week and your pic on the post office wall doesn't cut it!
 PS:  I probably didn't cuss enough or say tits or penis
enough to get published.
[It was looking kind of grim until you pulled it out with
the "PS."]

When astronauts are weightless...if they were nude...would
a fart propel them across the space station ?
[Ridiculous, infantile, preposterous...and therefore the
reason you made it into Bizarre News! Actually, Newton
covered this quite well. The answer is "YES."]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: 
Email Lewis
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