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Publication: Classic Bizarre
Beer Church

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>

CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, February 9, 2007
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Some of my long-time readers may remember an issue I did on
the Universal Life Church in Modesto, California. This is
the self-same organization that will ordain you online for
free and give you the privileges of performing weddings,
funerals, baptisms and other functions of the clergy.

That is bizarre enough. But now the ULC has it's very own
off-shoot (kind of like the Unitarians). It's called the
BEER CHURCH. That's right, folks. It's a great way to avow
your devotion to the divine beverage that God has provided
for us...according to their web site.

Following are the ministerial vows that you must pledge to
if you want to become a shepherd to your own foamy flock...

- As a Beer Church Minister, you must devote yourself to the

- Do that which is right.

- Promote the goodness of Beer with the spirit of unity,
peace, goodwill and charity.

- Never hurt the reputation of Beer by drinking it irrespon-
sibly, or by letting the consumption of Beer result in harm
to anyone or anything that is not yours to harm.

- Drink beer and like it.

- Continually strive to prove yourself worthy of your title.

- Make Beer Church proud of you.

Now I've seen some weird things in the course of my efforts
as your Bizarre News editor, but this is right out there
(of course, it's slightly less weird than Mr. John Norris
of Wyoming who was - and probably still is - convinced that
his prize heifer was miraculously impregnated).

However, if you truly want to become a Beer Minister, I will
sponsor you. You have to be sincere, though. Send me an essay
of no more than 200 words describing why you want to assume
this malty responsibility and what you will do with your new
authority, and if it's up to Beer Church standards I will
help get you started.



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum


+------------------ *BIZARRE AMERICAN* --------------------+

September 2 is . . . . . National Beheading Day

September 5 is . . . . . Be Late For Something Day

September 6 is . . . . . Fight Procrastination Day

September 11 is . . . . No News Is Good News Day

September 12 is . . . . National Pet Memorial Day

September 15 is . . . . Felt Hat Day

September 16 is . . . . Stay Away From Seattle Day

September 18 is . . . . National Play-doh Day

September 20 is . . . . National Punch Day

September 22 is . . . . Hobbit Day

September 23 is . . . . Dogs In Politics Day

September 28 is . . . . Ask A Stupid Question Day

September 30 is . . . . National Mud Pack Day


--------------- Inmate Wants To Be A Woman ----------------

BOSTON - An inmate who was convicted of strangling his wife
was denied his requst for the state to pay for a sex change
operation and hormone therapy that would make him a woman.
The judge did, however, order a medical evaluation and app-
ropriate treatment for Michelle Kosilek, who legally changed
his name from Robert. Koselik brought his case against the
Department of Correction saying they were in violation of
the eighth amendment, which prohibits cruel and unusual
punishment. The Department of Correction was not charged on
this account. After determining Kosilek does in fact suffer
from gender identity disorder, the judge ordered he recieve
at a minimum psychotherapy--and maybe some hormone treatments.


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Today's Deal


------------------ Who Needs Explosives? -------------------

LONDON - Oklahoma State University scientist Hermann Burchard
told New Scientist magazine to forget about using nuclear
warheads to save the world from disaster -- just use a giant
airbag. Burchard believes giant airbags could one day save
the world from being struck by a comet the size of that which
sent the dinosaurs into extinction. He believes the idea is,
"safe, simple and realistic." He does admit there are still
a few details to iron out though.

---------- There's Something To Be Said For Manners ---------

Johannesburg - A woman and her two children were carjacked
in their driveway by three men who took the woman's keys, and
then forced her into the back of her white volvo. The men
drove them to a township where they spoke with another man,
presumably their client. The man did not seem happy with the
color of the car, so after stealing the woman's cellphone and
jewelry, the men politely let her out of the back of her car
gave her exact directions home.

The Best of Baretta on DVD - Just $9.99

The popular 70's TV show is now available in this special
collectible 'Best of' DVD. You get the pilot episode and
then two specially selected ones.

Join Baretta, his pet cockatoo, Rooster and Fats in this
classic TV show that is even better now. And at only $9.99
it's easy to add or start your collection. Visit:
The Best of Baretta on DVD


----------- A Man With a Whale of a 'Black Book' -----------

For years the phrase "little black book" has been used to
describe lists of women and their phone numbers kept by
swinging bachelors. But in the case of Riley Toney Jr., his
little black book was actually three books. And the con-
tents weren't full of possible hot dates, they were packed
with dates of another kind ... information on birthdays,
anniversaries and other facts relating to Toney's family --
all 307 of them. It seems that when the 94-year-old World
War Two veteran died in Huntsville, Ala., this week, the
Huntsville Times discovered that Toney had, over the years,
carefully chronicled the amazing growth of his family tree
in the three volumes. Statistics include nine living
children, 47 grandchildren, 110 great-grandchildren, 106
great-great-grandchildren and some 35 great-great-great-
grandchildren. His wife of 75 years survives and will
likely have the kind of amazing familial support in her
grief that many others don't have.

--------------------- Moooovin' Out! ----------------------

ISTANBUL - A Turkish woman has been ordered to remove the
cows she was storing in an apartment building in the city of
Trabzon. She has begun to sell the "large number" of cows
reported being stored there. Neighbors are relieved the cows
are moving out. Apparently, as a local alderman reported,
"Noise, smell and manure everywhere make a very ugly scene."

GopherCentral's Question of the Week

Do you believe a North American Union (NAU) among Mexico,
Canada and the US is a good idea?

Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, During my time in the agency, the CIA was investigating
the process of astroprojection...where they were able to train
individuals to gather information by using "remote viewing."
Although, there was a small side effect in 5% of individuals
trained. It appears that during the process there was a pos-
sibility of another spirit entity (possibly caused by a near
death experience or other astroprojectors) entering the vacant
body. Has your wife noticed any changes? --Ken Morris
[The person you know as Lewis doesn't want to answer this

Hi Lewis, LOVE your page! They do have those "magic brooms"
for adults... They're called HOOVER's! --Cindy
[Thanks for that peek into your personal life, Cindy.]

You think a Harry Potter Vibrating Broom is bad? I've got
that beat. Nearly everyone in America is familiar with
'Hello Kitty,' but it's a gigantic franchise in Japan. So,
as a logical extension of the Hello Kitty TV's, phones,
lamps, pencil cases, etc. comes the Hello Kitty "massager."
Must be seen to be believed.
[I've seen it...and yes, folks, it's cylindrical.]

While visiting a local petting farm with my children I got
sprayed with a sticky liquid, all over my leg. I thought the
emu peed on me? The owner laughed and stated "He hasn't done
that in a long time!" Apparently the male bunny got "excited"
and I was the target! My husband tells every one that the
"Easter bunny came early!" --LYNN LUCAS
[Please tell you're husband he's pretty gross.]

I swear! I am positive that my favorite radio station's
morning show reads this out loud... I might have to stop
listening so i can savor it on my own! --britt
[How dare they steal the materiel I've stolen?]

How come everything pisses me off? --Ray
[Try eating more fiber.]

Dear Lewis, My dear friend, Mia, is coming for a visit to the
Untied States next week from Sweden. In an effort to make her
feel at home should I have porn on the television 24 hours a
day? Her husband is not making the trip with her, but I guess
I could fill in for him. What do you suggest? --Jim
[Since the law you are referring to was not passed in Sweden,
I don't think playing porn 24-hours-a-day will make her feel
at home...not unless she's starring in any of them.]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to:
Email Lewis
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Archive link:
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