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Sex Toys

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>          

          CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, November 10, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
------------------------------------------------------------
          GopherCentral's Question of the Week
          
Are you happy that the Democrats are in control of the House?

Please take a moment to share your opinion, visit:
Question of the Week

Greetings Fellow Bizarros:

I should have learned this lesson a long time ago, but it is 
true that one must be very careful of whom one takes advice. 
I was describing to TZ how my sex life has become somewhat 
formulaic recently. Saturday nights, lights off, pajama tops 
on, the radio set to soft rock. Actually, I'm exaggerating 
for comic effect...sometimes we listen to jazz. 

But anyway, while TZ was expounding the benefits of dildo 
usage Carmen, the editor of our Great Sexpectations news-
letter, walked into the office. 

"What's this about dildos," she asked. 

"Nothing, nothing," I said, trying to salvage some dignity, 
"TZ here was just telling me about some porn spam somebody 
sent him."

"No I wasn't," he said helpfully. "I was explaining to Lewis 
that he can save his sex life with the use of a few simple 
props, some dildos, a sex swing, uhhh...some handcuffs..."

"You don't need any of that," Carmen explained while I tried 
to think of an excuse to get the hell out of there. "I'll give 
you some fun things you can do without having to set foot in 
a sex store OR a hardware store."

Before I could protest she scampered off to her computer and 
the following is what I received in my inbox fifteen minutes 
later. So I'm trying to decide if I should open this Pandora's 
Box this weekend. Here's what I'm up against...


1.) Use an armless chair for sex. First, it's unusual, which 
is usually a good thing. It allows for better penetration. 
Plus, Sitting lets more blood pool in the pelvic region which 
means you'll have a stronger, harder erection. 

2.) Use a mirror during sex. Let her view you giving her oral 
pleasure with a hand mirror, or better yet, put the mirror 
under her stomach during doggie-style for an up-close and 
personal perspective on something she would never get to see 
otherwise. 

3.) Give her the mint treatment. Chew up a few breath mints 
before steam-cleaning the carpet. The menthol in the candy 
will penetrate the membrane of her vulva giving her a unique 
tingling sensation. 

4.) Give her the ice treatment. Similar to the mint treatment 
this technique involves chewing up ice cubes before giving her 
a linguistics lesson. Works particularly well on nipples. 

5.) Create your own oil spill. Spread a shower curtain on the 
bathroom floor, coat it in baby oil and roll around naked all 
over it. This not only heightens the sensations but also gets 
you out of the usual format of the bedroom, just like using 
the chair does. 

Bizarrely,

Lewis


P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum

+------------------ Reasons To Celebrate ------------------+
                         JUNE IS...

June is... Cancer In The Sun Month

June is... National Accordion Awareness Month

June is... National Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month

June is... Fight The Filthy Fly Month

June 1 is... Dare Day

June 3 is... Repeat Day

June 3 is... Repeat Day

June 5 is... Festival Of Popular Delusions Day

June 8 is... Name Your Poison Day

June 10 is... National Yo-Yo Day

June 13 is... Kitchen Klutzes of America Day

June 15 is... Smile Power Day

June 16 is... National Hollerin' Contest Day

June 18 is... International Panic Day

June 19 is... World Sauntering Day

June 21 is... Cuckoo Warning Day 

June 26 is... National Chocolate Pudding Day

June 28 is... Paul Bunyan Day

June 30 is... Meteor Day

---- 13-year-old Blows $2 mil on Ebay. Mom's VISA Maxed ----

ROGERS, Ohio - A 13-year-old boy spent about $2 million from 
a school computer buying a helicopter, a jet and other items 
over the Internet using a password belonging to a friend's 
mother, authorities said. The woman discovered the purchases 
the day the helicopter's owner called and asked how she in-
tended to pay for the aircraft. She is having the purchases 
canceled. The $1.1 million helicopter is a used military model. 
The boy has not made it clear what he intended to do with his 
purchases. 
[Those bullies won't pick on me now that I have this baby!]

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--------- What's Up, Dude? It's the Surfer's Bible ---------

AUSTRALIA - "And that concludes a reading from the book of
John, the surfer." That's right, a surfer friendly version
of the Bible will be on store shelves next week. At least in 
Australia, that is. According to the Bible Society, sports-
inspired gospel sells well in the land down under. The first 
edition will include surfer testimonials, colorful photos, 
and surfer tales. The Society's publisher and director of 
scripture explained the phenomenon: "The gospels got a very 
warm response. So when Christian Surfers International 
approached us, it made financial as well as spiritual sense 
to design a New Testament specifically for them." Umm, it 
made spiritual sense?

------------ New Twist to Old Bank Robber Story ------------

THAILAND - It was 20 minutes after closing time and all was
quiet at the Thai Farmers Bank in Ku Kot. Bank tellers were 
preparing to cash up when the manager heard police officers 
knocking at the door. He authorized a cleaning person to let 
the cops in when all of a sudden the fraudulent officers drew 
their guns and proceeded to rob the bank. They threatened 
the staff, demanded money from the vault, and insisted on 
receiving the security video tapes. The "cops" put tape 
over the eyes and mouths of other employees and made off
with quite a sum of money. They rode into the sunset on 
motorcycles and have not been caught. 

------------------------------------------------------------
DRUM FRENZY - Roll Up Drum Set - The Gift EVERYONE Loves...

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Better than a full set of drums but only a fraction of the 
cost and size. Each of the four (4) different drums can be 
adjusted to eight (8) different tones, including cymbals, 
providing 32 DIFFERENT SOUNDS. Includes:

- 30 preset rhythms
- 10 demo songs to play along with 
- 20 preset drum combinations 
- Volume adjustment
- Tempo adjustment. 
- Headphone jack to practice with privacy. 
- Complete with detailed instructions. 

Folds for storage or easy transport. A gift that any music
lover or would-be musician will love. 
Drum Frenzy - Roll Up Drum Set
------------------------------------------------------------

------- Cheating Husbands Claimed They Were Kidnapped ------

BRAZIL - This sounds like a Jerry Spring Episode: "Honey, I
Wasn't Out All Night with my Mistress. I Was Kidnapped." 
Instead of facing the music, some Brazilian men are claiming
they were kidnapped after actually staying out all night 
with their secret lovers. Police have received 30 "flash-
kidnapping" complaints thus far this year, and four of them
have been from unfaithful husbands who lied. Those four
have been charged with wasting police time and face a 
maximum of six months in jail. And they haven't even dealt 
with their wives yet. 

------ Inmates Escape in the Hope of Being Re-Arrested -----

SWAZILAND - Maybe it's the prison food they like so much.
Or the showers. No, maybe it's the educational opportunities.
Whatever it is, inmates are trying to escape jail right 
before their term is up in the hope of being re-arrested. 
According to Swaziland prison officials, there have been 10
escapes this year. Noma Dlamini, a spokesperson for the
correctional services, insists that a good majority of those
fugitives simply enjoy prison so much that they don't want
to leave. She cites being treated well and the prison life-
style as reasons for them wanting to stay. Explaining the
high number of escapes thus far, Dlamini said, "Security is
tight in all of the prisons as we are having enough wardens.
The mere fact is that most of the prisoners are always on
guard to escape and they do so when the slightest chances
avails itself to them."


Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Oi, Lewis! So where can I find this famous exploding whale 
video you're talking about?
[Who do I look like...the Library of Congress? All you have 
to do is go to your favorite search engine and type in "ex-
ploding whale." At least that is all I had to do.]


Have you heard about the guy that wanted to remove a tree 
stump...dug it partway out, drilled holes in it and used 
four sticks of dynamite?  When he set it off the stump came 
out alright - it went up like a rocket about 150 feet, then 
came down through a neighbor's roof, crashed through the 
floor, and ended up in the basement.
[And then the guy did what...stuck his hands in his pockets 
and walked away whistling nonchalantly?]


For me the obvious response to "There is no I in TEAM" should 
be "There is no U in REALITY." - Thumper


Lewis, I think that you've been readin too many of those 
tabloids rags again.  What's next...alien dog babies?
[You heard that story too?]


Lewis, if auto shows turn you on I can only imagine what 
spark plugs do to you! 
[It depends on where you rub them.]


Actually, the zombie law is not about the supernatural.  In 
Haiti and other areas, certain people use a drug made from 
blowfish, that imitates death by slowing down heart rate so 
it cannot be detected.  Since they do not do autopsies, they 
simply bury the dead.  The con man, I meant shaman, then digs 
them up after the drug begins to wear off and tells them he 
has raised them from the dead.  He then tells them they are 
his slaves and puts them to work in his fields. Not a bad con 
as long as you choose uneducated, superstitious people.
[Ah, yes, the old "blowfish-coma-raised-from-the-dead-zombie- 
slave" ploy. Boy, if I had a nickle...]


Thank you very much for the bizzarest news I have ever heard. 
It has been a year now that I have been reading bizzare news, 
and I have no idea how you find more news to top them. 
[It's like Albert Einstein said, "The only two infinite things 
are the universe and stupidity, and I'm not sure about the 
universe."] 

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: 
Email Lewis
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END OF CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS
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