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Publication: Classic Bizarre
What Guys Look At First

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<<<<<<<<<<< From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>          

     CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Friday, November 25, 2006           
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
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Greetings Fellow Bizarros:

Following is an interesting tib-bit someone sent to me, 
although I have not been able to confirm it. If anyone knows 
if this is an actual study, please let me know...

According Dr. Nancy Hirschberg at the University of Illinois, 
you can tell what type of a person a guy is by what he first 
looks at...

 *Butt lovers are self-centered and a little introverted. 
  Socially inactive and self-absorbed, they enjoy the outdoors 
  and summer time. 

 *Leg men are social animals. They love to party, care about 
  others and tend to be secure. 

 *A guy who checks out your eyes is a typical "nice guy." They 
  are always losing women to jerks and don't know why. Very 
  sensitive to other's feelings. 

 *Finger and toe lovers like variety and they get bored easily. 

 *Boob guys are out-going and independent. They're not inter-
  ested in other's needs and tend to show off.

I tried to conduct my own informal poll around the office, 
but everyone seemed strangely uncooperative. The only person 
I could get a response out of was TZ. 

"Tits," he said unhesitatingly. 

"Ah ha!" I exclaimed, checking my list. "That puts you in the 
out-going and independent category."

"I would say that's true," he mused. "If you're the kind of 
person who appreciates that part of a woman's anatomy like I 
do, then you have to be willing to face things head-on. Take 
a hands-on approach to life...reach out and grab your oppor-
tunities when they pop out at you. You know what I mean?"

I'm afraid I do. 

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Classic Bizarre forum. Check it out here...
Classic Bizarre Forum
------------------------------------------------------------

+----------- Bizarre Excuses for Missing School -----------+

[These are actual excuse notes from parents (including 
original spelling) from some schools in Texas.]

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. 
today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. 
He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been 
bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose 
vowels.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in 
bed with gramps.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had 
diarrhea and his boots leak. 
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-------------- Diploma Withheld From Jokester --------------

WHITING, Ind. - In the very last issue of BN I ran a dis-
trubing story about a high school failure who got a diploma 
because her parents threatened to sue the school and the 
teacher who failed her. I was dumbfounded by this following 
story. Officials at Whiting High School REFUSED to give the 
senior class salutatorian her diploma after she deviated 
from her prepared speech and gave teachers frivolous awards 
during the ceremony. Caitlin Mills-Groninger, 18, presented 
her approved speech asking her classmates to denounce dis-
crimination and build a civil society. She then took a 
lighter tone as she called 13 teachers by name and presented 
them with fanciful awards like "Trapped in the 80s," and 
"Pain in the Asymtote." School administrators didn't 
appreciate it. They pulled her diploma pending disciplinary 
action. 
--------- Baseball Game Breaks Out at Knife Fight ----------

ATHENS, Ala. - You think folks would learn a lesson after 
Thomas Junta was convicted of involuntary manslaughter last 
year when he beat a coach to death over a junior hockey 
league game. But that's a little too much to hope for when 
an 11-year-old's sports career is on the line. During a 
youth baseball game in Athens one of the fathers in the 
stands began heckling the players. After the game the 
father of one of the players who were being heckled 
approached the man and started a fight. The heckler wasted 
no time in producing a knife and giving his opponents 
slashes resulting in over 100 stitches. The Athens Mud Hens 
now lead the league in felony assaults. 


--------- I Think They Inhaled Too Much Asbestos! ----------

Picture this... you've got a school who decides to plant a 
tree to honor the memory of Matthew Barrick, a 2nd-grader 
who tragically died of a brain aneurysm. The whole town is 
moved by this gesture the community decides to landscape 
more of the school grounds in honor of Matthew. Pretty nice
so far... but hold onto your hats! A few days later two union 
custodians filed a grievance against the school system. They 
claim the work done to beautify the schools cheated them out 
of time-and-a-half pay of $37 per hour for the two weekends 
the volunteers had worked. 

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--------- I Think They Inhaled Too Much Asbestos! ----------

Picture this... you've got a school who decides to plant a 
tree to honor the memory of Matthew Barrick, a 2nd-grader 
who tragically died of a brain aneurysm. The whole town is 
moved by this gesture the community decides to landscape 
more of the school grounds in honor of Matthew. Pretty nice
so far... but hold onto your hats! A few days later two union 
custodians filed a grievance against the school system. They 
claim the work done to beautify the schools cheated them out 
of time-and-a-half pay of $37 per hour for the two weekends 
the volunteers had worked. 

---------------------- Monkey Mayhem -----------------------

If you're living in the East End of London you may want to
make sure you stock a few bananas in the house. Why? One 
victimized resident recounts it all... "I saw this hairy 
black chimpanzee coming through the window. It was broad and 
muscular and I was frightened of being bitten." So what was 
the pilfering primate after? Just some parts of a stereo 
system and nobody was hurt. Not content with just one heist, 
he broke into another house just a few doors away before 
being apprehended. I wonder if we'll see this case on CourtTV!

---------------------- Bondage Granny ----------------------

MILWAUKEE - A grandmother was sentenced to 30 days in jail 
and five years probation for running a bondage den in the 
basement of the home she shared with her husband and two of 
her grandchildren. Jacquess Dyer Patton-Ugan, 49, apologized 
in court for operating Madame Venus Du Plaisir's Paradise, 
where she charged men a fee to visit her domination dungeon. 
She was convicted of keeping a place of prostitution. A 
session with Patton-Ugan usually cost around $175. Neighbors 
began to be suspicious when her 60-year-old husband, Richard 
Ugan, began mowing the lawn in a G-string. 



Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world   
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The   
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..   
Bizarre Uncensored 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I just have to say that I love this newsletter. It makes me 
happy that I am not the only one that has weird stuff happen 
to me. Keep up the good work! --Alana
[If you have any good stories don't hesitate to send them in.]


Lewis, First I must say that yours is the only "smack" (spam 
w/ crap) mail that I receive that I actually do read.
[And we appreciate your patronage!]


Hey Lewis, What could that stranger that cut off that guys 
nuts possible say to him that  he would allow the guy to do 
that?  "Hey... why don't ya come over to my place and we'll 
have a coming out party!"  sheesh...what a pinhead. -Doug
[More like a coming off party.]


It's fussball, not futball on the continent. also not fans 
but hooligans cause the riots . HOPEFULLY IT WILL REMAIN A 
WORLD CLASS SPORT. Take care and keep the good times rolling. 
 -Sandi
[I think fussball is the table game where you spin the little 
guys on a stick.]


Just a warning, if you take a Viagra pill don't take your 
Iron pills too... you'll just spin around and point North. 
[Thanks for the pointer, er...tip.] 


Regarding your recent letter about a scorpion stinging itself 
to death if you put liquor on it; I tried it yesterday and 
the only thing that happened is that I ended up with a sticky 
scorpion. He didnt even get drunk. Did I perhaps use the wrong 
kind of liquor? (Grand Marnier) Or are the scorpions here in 
Kentucky the wrong kind of scorpions ? -Martin
[Interesting. I didn't expect anyone to actually follow 
through with an experiment. Can anyone confirm this con-
clusion?]


A kid in my college died trying to get high off of helium in 
balloons.  He ordered a huge balloon bouquet, inhaled all of 
the helium, had an asthma attack, and 911 thought it was a 
joke because of the squeaky voice, so he died. 
[A real tragedy, to be sure. But I can't shake the image of 
Alvin the chipmunk making an emergency telephone call, "I 
think I'm done-for, Dave."] 

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Classic Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: mailto:
Email Lewis
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