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Publication: Bizarre News
Not A Bad Rack-et

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         BIZARRE NEWS - Wednesday, May 21, 2008
 "Spanning the globe for the weird...strange...and stupid."
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Greetings fellow Bizarros:

It is actually nice to know that this won't work, even in 
Kentucky, although it took a Kentuckian to try it. It seems 
a 32-year-old man was arrested last weekend after trying to 
coerce a woman into his car by pretending he was a police 
officer. But not just any kind of police officer. 

Mike Myers is accused of trying to convince a woman to get 
in his Crown Victoria by allegedly telling her that he would 
give her a ride home because she had had too much to drink, 
according to the arrest report. 

Two firefighters noticed the woman and Myers and asked Myers 
if he was an officer, to which Myers allegedly said yes and 
gave a badge number but not his name. Eventually, the fire-
fighters called the police, suspecting that Myers was not an 
officer. 

The report says that Myers consented to a search of his car, 
and that is when police found a silver badge that read 
'Official Boob Inspector, Department of Titillation.' The 
arresting officer noted in the report that the badge did look 
official on first glance. 

The woman told police that Myers did threaten her with jail 
if she didn't go with him...and a citation for improperly 
secured twins. 

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here...
Bizarre News Forum

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+--------------- Bizarre Legendary Monsters ---------------+

With the alleged "monkey man" running rampant in India, 
here is a list of other creatures that have wreaked havoc 
throughout history.

THE BEAST OF TRURO - As pet cats were found slaugtered in 
the Cape Cod area of Massachusettes, speculation grew as 
to whether the beast was a mountain lion even though none 
existed in the region. Its identity remains a mystery 
today. 

GOATMAN - Described as having the upper body of a human, 
the legs of a goat and cloven hooves, Goatman has been 
known to leap out on unsuspecting courting couples parked 
in lover's lanes in Virginia. It is theorized that the 
creature was the result of a science experiment on goats 
that went wrong. 

THE JERSEY DEVIL - The story goes that somewhere in the 
wooded Pine Barrens area of New Jersey lurks a monster 
with a large horse-like head, wings and a long serpent's 
body. In 1951, strange screams were heard coming from the 
woods, which were said to be the cry of the Jersey Devil. 

MO-MO - In the summer of 1971, two girls stopped for a 
picnic near the town of Louisiana, Missouri, when a half-
ape half human emerged from some bushes and tried to break 
into their car. Monster hunts in the area failed to reveal 
the culprit. 

THE FLATHEAD LAKE MONSTER - Visitors to Flathead Lake, 
Montana, have sometimes spotted something "huge and black" 
in the water. A major sighting was in 1963 by Ronald Nixon 
who calculated the creature to be around 25ft long. A 
reward was offered for the first good photograph of the 
beast went unclaimed. 

                          ***

--------- 'Ninja fighter' cop goes back to work ----------

OVIEDO, Fla. - Police in Oviedo, Fla., say they have 
returned a badge and firearm to an officer who lost them 
briefly for saying he was a "super-trained killer ninja 
fighter." Officer Justin Varkony has gone back to his 
normal job after being on office duty while officials 
probed a comment on his MySpace social networking Internet 
page, WKMG-TV, Orlando, Fla., reported. "Jason is a super-
trained killer ninja fighter of the night who has not had 
a chance to use this special skill yet," the comment said. 
Authorities said there was no validity to an accusation 
that Varkony went against police conduct rules. 

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-------------- Cookie crash closes highway ----------------

MORRIS, Ill. - Illinois police said they had to close 
several lanes of a highway after a truck carrying Oreos 
rammed into the median, scattering cookies all over 
the road. The cookie spill took place early Monday on 
Interstate 80 near Morris, Ill., said Master Sgt. Brian 
Mahoney of the Illinois State Police. The truck was 
transporting about 20,000 pounds of Oreo cookies when 
the accident occurred, the Chicago Tribune reported. It 
is reported the force of the crash caused the trailer to 
fall open and all the cookies to fly onto the highway's 
eastbound lanes. The truck driver suffered no injuries, 
but the highway was shut down for massive cookie clean-up, 
which lasted several hours, Mahoney said. Authorities 
said they are looking into what prompted the incident. 


------- Photographer hit by javelin keeps working -------

PROVO, Utah - A persistent Utah photographer proved he 
was no cry baby when he returned to work the same day 
he was hit by a javelin while taking pictures at a track 
meet. Ryan McGeeney, 33, an intern at the Ogden (Utah) 
Standard-Examiner, returned to finish shooting a track 
championship Saturday at Brigham Young University's 
stadium in Provo, Utah, after a javelin pierced his 
leg, the newspaper reported. "There was the kind of 
tight feeling in the skin where I could say, 'oh yeah, 
it went through me,' but it wasn't real painful," he 
said. "It was pretty embarrassing. I just felt like a 
jackass." McGeeny, who is a seven-year veteran of the 
U.S. Marines, including six months service in Afghanistan, 
was taken to the hospital for treatment, stitched up and 
returned to the meet within hours to finish the job. 

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---------- Dead cat becomes black diamond ring ------------

ILFRACOMBE, England - A British woman said she turned her 
beloved, recently deceased cat into a one-third-of-a-carat 
black diamond ring with the help of a U.S. firm. Sue 
Rogers, 45, said she was so distraught over the death of 
her 11-year-old cat, Sooty, that normal avenues of memorial 
didn't seem special enough for her beloved pet, The 
Telegraph reported Monday. Scientists with Chicago's 
LifeGem said they created the diamond by extracting 2 grams 
of carbon from 100 grams of the cat's ashes. They placed 
the carbon in a diamond press, where it was submitted to 
more than 1 million pounds of pressure and temperatures 
reaching 5,432 degrees Fahrenheit. Rogers told The Telegraph
the black diamond, thought to be the only such jewel in 
the world made from animal ashes, was cut, polished and set 
in a gold band. She said the item cost her more than $4,000.
"I asked the company if they did black diamonds and they 
said they had never done one before. But thankfully they 
were able to and now Sooty is a black diamond," Rogers said 
to the newspaper. "They use ashes, but not all of them, 
so it is still possible to scatter some ashes in the 
traditional way as well." 

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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world 
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The 
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..  
Bizarre Uncensored

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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I got 2 wrong for a score of 83.  With 12 questions each is 
worth 8.333> points so I can't understand how you got 79 in-
stead of 75, if you got 3 wrong.
[Because I suck at math, too.]


What might be even stranger than Darth vader attacking two 
Jedi in the UK is that there is ACTUALLY a JEDI Church in 
the UK. -Jim Smith
[It takes more than a bunch of virgins chatting online in 
their parents' basements to make a church.]


Hey Lewis, Maybe someone has already written about this, 
but I thought I'd let you know that the scientist probably 
wasn't an herbatologist but a herpetologist. I don't think 
herbatologists exist; because someone who studies herbs 
would be an herbalist. -Louise
[Thank you, Louise. Actually, I used to live next door to 
a 'herbatologist' but he was arrested when somebody noticed 
some of those tomato plants looks a little funny.]


For the reader who wanted to know what MILF means, it is 
Mom I'd Like to F***.  My daughter told me that when she 
was in high school, (only because she said that some of 
her male friends in school had said I was a MILF).  I 
didn't know if I should be flattered or be weirded out. 
I guess I was a little of both. -BC
[Send a pic (preferably topless) and I'll let you know.]


Lewis, I think your last issue had a small error in it. 
Your answer to the lowest prime number was 2 but methinks 
it should be 1. A prime number is a number with no other 
factors other than itself and 1. 1 x 1 = 1 making it the 
lowest prime. Just thought I'd set you straight 'bout that. 
Now, I need a beer! -Steve
[Better have two. By definition 1 cannot be a prime because 
a prime number is a positive integer that has exactly TWO 
factors, 1 and the number itself. 1 has only one factor...1.]

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis 
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