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Publication: Bizarre News
He Nose How To Smell

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         BIZARRE NEWS - Wednesday, April 2, 2008
 "Spanning the globe for the weird...strange...and stupid."
All of you Bizarre News fans can now get your exclusive
Bizarre News coffee mug. Supplies are limited so order yours 
today for just $2.99! Official Bizarre News Mug 

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

France has given us a lot of things; cheese, French Toast, 
Charlemagne, Louisiana, and now, 8 million dollar nose 

A Dutch wine producer in Bordeaux, France, has purchased 
an insurance policy worth nearly $8 million for his nose. 

Chateau de la Garde owner and maker of Tulipe Wines, Ilja 
Gort, purchased the policy to protect him if he ever were 
to lose his nose or ability to smell. 

"This certainly is an insurance policy not to be sniffed 
at. The nose and sense of smell of a wine maker are as 
important as the fingers of a chef," said Jonathan Thomas, 
top underwriter at Watkins Syndicate. 

Watkins Syndicate reportedly co-insured Gort's plan with 
Allianz Nederland. 

Gort claimed his nose was his most prized possession and 
that a keen ability to smell was needed to ensure the 
caliber of his product. Apparently it is not as sensitive 
to French women. 



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here...
Bizarre News Forum


+--------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+

Dishes must drip dry. 

The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out 
details of any written or oral discussion about your 
medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you 
can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records 
in your chart. 

It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's 
ear during sex. 

Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays. 

It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal 
to smoke it on your own property. 

One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," 
i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee. 

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing. 


------ Couple threaten suit over 'haunted' house ------

SPOLETO, Italy - An Italian couple says they plan to 
sue the previous owners of their home in Spoleto for 
not warning them it is haunted. Gaetano and Stefania 
Bastianelli said they thought they were getting a bargain 
when they paid $190,000 for the house, but they were not 
made aware of its strange history, including a visit from 
Perugia University's paranormal research team and an 
exorcism in the 1970s, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday. 
"The ghosts started their haunting on the first night," 
said Bastianelli, 57. "I woke suddenly at around one or 
two in the morning. There was water seeping from under 
the bathroom door. The hot water tap was pouring out 
boiling water and the room was full of steam. My wife was 
stunned, because she had turned off everything before going 
to bed." Bastianelli said the alleged spirits also caused 
his lawnmower and his wife's car to spontaneously burst 
into flames and the sound of rattling chains has frightened 
the couple's 10-year-old daughter. He said he has hired a 
lawyer to sue the previous owner. "We have a good case," 
said the lawyer, Antonio Francesconi. "Under article 1490 
of Italian law, you have to tell buyers if there is any-
thing wrong. I think that the previous owners will settle 
out of court." 


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------ Crematorium offers 'pay-per-view' funerals -------

SOUTHAMPTON, England - For the first time in Britain's 
history a crematorium has announced it is offering a 
"pay-per-view" online funeral service for out-of-town 
funeral attendees. Starting Tuesday a Southampton, 
England, crematorium will charge about $150 for families 
who would rather watch funeral services online than in 
person, The Daily Mail reported Monday. Some critics 
reportedly argue the city is attempting to make money 
off the new service and that it is not private enough. 
The Rev. Gary Philbrick of Southampton said, "There are 
a lot of good things about it," but added he did not 
personally care for the thought of being recorded at 
a funeral. "We're not putting the services on to the 
Internet for anyone to watch. Security is very important. 
It's all about offering a better service to people who 
are bereaved," crematorium manager Trevor Mathieson said. 

------------ DJ breaks banana-eating record --------------

BROADVIEW HEIGHTS, Ohio - A Broadview Heights, Ohio, man 
said he has received the paperwork to make his banana-
eating world record official. Ross Cline, a disc jockey 
who peeled and ate five bananas in one minute two weeks 
ago, said his feat was designed for a record to appear 
in the Guinness Book of World Records, WEWS-TV, Cleveland, 
reported Monday. The previous record was three bananas in 
a single minute. 

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Disc 1: Two original episodes of the 1955 'The Johnny 
Carson Show', A very funny 1958 comedy quiz show with 
Johnny and Ed McMahon, and the hilarious clip of Jack 
Benny and Johnny in an unforgettable stand-up comedy 

Disc 2: Johnny's very first TV show, 'Carson's Cellar', 
Johnny in 'Do You Trust Your Wife', and Mel Brooks and 
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Get more info or order by visiting: 
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------- Woman orders world's most expensive coffee --------

LONDON - A woman said she was billed nearly $715,400 for 
four cappuccinos at the Giraffe Juice Bar at Terminal 5 
in London Heathrow Airport. Terri Patsalides, 59, of West 
London, was passing time during a baggage delay in the 
troubled new terminal when a Giraffe Juice Bar employee 
handed her the huge bill, The Sun reported Monday. "When 
I got the print-out I told the waitress that although 
they were very nice, I thought £90,000 ($178,855) a cup 
was a bit over the top. She went bright red when she saw 
my bill was £361,514.97 ($715,386.43) and said it should 
have been 12 pounds ($23.84)." "It was just a glitch on 
the computer system. The bill was canceled and everyone 
had a laugh," an employee of the bar told the newspaper. 
Terminal 5 has been plagued by glitches and delays since 
its recent opening. 


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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world 
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural.  Get The 
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here...F-R-E-E..  
Bizarre Uncensored


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Isn't sex with a table masturbation?  It just weirds me out 
when some dude gets busted rubbing his doink on a bicycle 
(Britain) or a sink (Finland) or as noted in recent edition 
of Bizzare News pounding the pud on his deck. -Chris
[Apparently it weirds out the neighbors, too, which is why 
he got arrested.]

Hello Lewis, If I was his wife I would have to drink and be 
on medication to stay with someone who believed that burning 
my clothes instead of calling me to begin with was the only 
way to save the marriage.  Makes you wonder what kind of med-
ication he is or should be on. -Robin
[If you were in your right mind you probably wouldn't marry 
someone like that to begin with.]

In response to: "I'm sure a judge would love to hear why you 
felt it necessary to empty a revolver into someone carrying 
a stick." I'm for gun laws and licenses for guns. I don't own 
any, however, if some nut breaks into my house, I shouldn't 
have to decide if I'm better armed before defending myself 
and my family. I should be able to take a gun and shoot any-
one, armed or unarmed, that breaks into my house. Am I 
supposed to put a gun down and fight a guy that has a bat 
with my bare hands? Unfortunately, the law seems to think 
that defending yourself is a worse crime than attacking an 
innocent family. -Mark

Lewis, I am the leader of the newly formed CLF -- The 
Chadwick Liberation Front. Our mission is to return 
Chadwick's newsletter, "Up Yours!", to circulation. Bring 
back Chadwick, or we will make dozens of clones of TZ! 
You have been warned! Chadwick now! Chadwick forever! 
 -David Rasey
[Chadwick stuck around for a while as an assistant editor 
and a sales assistant, but I guess he wasn't enough of a 
team player. He left less than a year after he lost his 
newsletter. The last I heard he was staying in email con-
tact with TZ, but I don't know the last time he heard from 

I always chuckle when I read "reasonable comments" about gun 
ownership, protection of home, family, et al.  However when 
unreasonable people who own a gun legally goes on a shooting 
rampage, killing and maiming, the law-abiding, peaceful gun 
advocates are muffled and silent. Since the term "going 
postal" was first coined, we have seen multiple instance of 
this behavior and the lesson to be learned... -Kent

Dear Lewis, If I suddenly had a million dollars here's what 
I'd do. I would buy about $5000 bucks worth of sticky bud. 
Then I'd rent a high rise apartment away from the city. 
I'd buy a 12 inch reflecting telescope and install it on 
the balcony. I'd buy a restaurant sized refrigerator and 
stock it with honey-barbeque wings, sodas and beers. Then 
me and my best pal would sit on my balcony with an enormous 
plate of wings, a huge tub of iced drinks and roll doobies 
while we looked for alien space craft through my telescope. 
Thanks, Loona
[My Bizarre News readers, folks.] 

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis 
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