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Publication: Bizarre News
Doesn't sound very cheery, does it?

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         BIZARRE NEWS - Wednesday, July 16, 2008
 "Spanning the globe for the weird...strange...and stupid."

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

I am between 40 and 50-years-old (ahem), I have a 401k that 
I have been contributing to for 13 or 14 years, my wife has 
an IRA that she has been contributing to for about the same 
amount of time. We also have a savings account which provides 
us with a fund for if the engine in one of our cars blows up 
for an uninsured reason or if we need a few extra thousand 
for a vacation, etc. 

We are currently in our second house since getting married 
but thanks to an increase in property values we have about 
35 percent equity in the house. We also started college 
savings accounts for each of our boys when they were born, 
which isn't going to cover four years at university but 
will give us a nice head start for each of them. 

To listen to it you'd think we were in pretty good shape, but 
apparently our toes are hanging over the edge of disaster. 

Until recently David Walker was comptroller general of the 
United States, meaning he was head auditor for the most 
important and powerful government in the world. In an in-
terview last year Walker warned that there is a $43-trillion 
hole in America's public finances that's getting worse every 
day, and it is eventually going to lead to a financial 
collapse that will make my (and your) retirement plans dis-
appear in a wave of recession, inflation and unemployment. 

It's becoming increasingly obvious that, within the next 10 
years, the U.S. government will simply not be able to borrow 
money fast enough to keep up with its exploding expenses. 

The Economic Policy Institute recently projected that under 
the current tax regime, by 2014 all government revenue would 
be consumed by four areas of spending: health care for the 
elderly and the poor, Social Security for retirees, national 
defense and interest on the debt. 

Interest on the national debt would be about half of all gov-
ernment tax revenues by 2031. And ten years later, the cost 
of servicing the debt will exceed all government revenues. 

History provides some harrowing examples of what happens when 
an economy collapses under the weight of unsustainable debt. 
One of the most chilling is Argentina in 2001. When the 
International Monetary Fund cut off its support for the 
country's escalating debt, the effect was catastrophic: the 
value of the national currency plunged, decimating the 
savings of millions. The resulting surge in inflation and 
sudden slowdown in consumer spending put thousands of 
businesses into bankruptcy within weeks. That, in turn, 
put further millions out of work and pushed one of South 
America's biggest economies into a punishing recession. 

As unfathomable as it may seem, most economists think some-
thing like that could happen in the United States. 

Doesn't sound very cheery, does it? Imagine if the company 
you work for suddenly went bankrupt and the market was so 
bad that you couldn't find a job for more than half of what 
you were making (if you could find work at all). You decide 
to cash in all of your savings and retirement funds to make 
ends meet to discover that what used to be worth 30, 40 or 
maybe 50 thousand dollars is now worth about 15 or 20. How 
long do you think you would keep your house or even your 

It makes you want to start writing letters to congressmen, 
doesn't it? 



P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the 
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here...
Bizarre News Forum

All of you Bizarre News fans can now get your exclusive
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+----------------- Bizarre Canadian Laws ------------------+

You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies. 

In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch. 

Citizens may not publicly remove bandages. 

In Montreal, you may not swear in French. 

Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or 
spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 
Canadian dollars. 

In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more 
than two colors of paint on your house. 

In Toronto, you can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. 
on a Sunday. 

The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.  
In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.


----------- Red lights keep turtles on track --------------

JUNE BEACH, Fla. - A Florida beach community has added 
special filters to lights along an oceanfront roadway to 
keep sea turtles from losing their way. Filters installed 
on waist-high bollard lights along A1A in June Beach, Fla., 
have a reddish tint and emit a longer wavelength that is 
less likely to attract female turtles and hatchlings than 
the whitish-blue light and short wavelength that was 
previously emitted, the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post said Monday. 
The turtles instinctively seek natural light reflected on 
the ocean and can become confused by streetlights and 
oceanfront lighting. Officials made the change to the 
lights to keep the turtles from wandering toward the busy 
road. Jean Higgins of the Florida Fish and Wildlife 
Conservation Commission said changing the wavelength will 
not stop sea turtles from coming toward the lights but 
does reduce the danger, the newspaper said. 

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Remember you get two DVDs: 
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---------- Burglar returns to bargain for wallet -----------

NEW YORK - A New York man whose home was burgled said the 
perpetrator was foiled when he returned to the scene of 
the crime to ask for his wallet back. Yaakov Kanelsky, 49, 
said the man who showed up at his door and said he had 
left his wallet inside claimed to have snuck into the 
apartment to use the bathroom, but the excuse seemed weak 
and the suspect eventually admitted to taking $200 from 
Kanelsky's bedroom, the New York Post reported Monday. "I 
didn't even know any money was missing," Kanelsky said.
When he checked his bedroom he found the cash was indeed 
gone. Kanelsky told the man to return the money first and 
police arrived as the suspect, identified as Victor Marin, 
20, was sliding the bills through the door one by one. 
Marin was charged with burglary, petty larceny and 
possession of stolen property. 

------- Cop on hook for charging grandma as hooker --------

NEW YORK - Prostitution charges were dropped against a 
40-year-old grandmother in New York who insists she never 
turned a trick despite what the arresting officer said. 
Monica Gonzalez was nabbed on the charges in Sunset Park, 
an experience she told the New York Daily News "was very 
embarrassing and humiliating." Her husband of 15 years, 
Louie, was appalled, she said. Contrary to Officer Sean 
Spencer's claim in a sworn complaint, Gonzalez hasn't been 
arrested -- for prostitution or anything else, says her 
lawyer, Richard Cardinale. "Clearly, Officer Spencer, who 
has been sued for civil rights violations in the past, has 
no qualms about arresting innocent people if it means he 
gets to put another notch on his belt," said Cardinale. 
Gonzalez, who filed a complaint against Spencer, was 
walking along a known prostitution area en route to a 
hospital emergency room because she needed treatment for 
an earlier asthma attack. When confronted by two officers, 
she said, "He (Spencer) said, 'I saw you going up to the 
car. ...His partner said, 'Let her go, I've never seen her 
here before,' but (Spencer) wouldn't listen," she said. 

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-------------- Family adopts 300-pound ram ---------------

CARDIFF, Wales - ,A Welsh family has adopted an orphaned 
ram after it rejected a sheep herd in favor of the family 
TV. David Palmer said he rescued the ram, Nick Boing, as 
a newborn three years ago, and he has since become a common 
sight with neighbors and is often spotted riding in the 
family car, The Telegraph reported Monday. Palmer, 53, 
said Nick slept in his bed until he became too large -- the 
ram currently weights in at about 300 pounds. He said he 
first came across the creature while traveling on a nature 
reserve with his partner, Caroline, and his son, Nathan, 
13. He said they decided to take the lamb home with them 
after it refused to go near other sheep. "Caroline had a 
baby bottle left from when Nathan was little so we fed him 
some milk and within an hour he was running around," Palmer 
said. "He's more intelligent than your average sheep that's 
stuck in a field. He's in the house and in the car and 
meeting people over the park and around the village." "He's 
part of the family. He comes in every evening, head-butts 
the cushions off the settee and watches TV," he said. 

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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world 
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Bizarre Uncensored


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, WE are to blame for the price of gas.  Duh.  americans 
are fat & lazy.  No one is willing to alter their behavior 
even the slightest, they insist on driving their gas-hog SUVs 
4 blocks to supermarket! So here is copied article re a sane 
and incredible alternative auto design that runs on Compressed 
Air.  You can bet, if they try to bring it here, the fat cat 
corporations will find a way to regulate it out of existence. 
[I have seen this car and it is impressive for short, little 
around-the-town trips. When the economy makes this car market-
able in the U.S. it will become a reality. And that situation 
may just about be here.]

Lewis, Laws and congressional bans are put there because less 
than 20% of the eligible voting population shows up at the 
polls.  People complain about special interest groups and 
lobbyists, but those groups are the ones doing all the voting 
and getting their voting blocks of constituents out there. It 
is a sad state of affairs that pollsters were so exited about 
the 40% of voters for the Kerry/Bush election that even showed 
up! -James 
[I think that's true, but I also think it is true that if there 
were a politician out there who really represented what voters 
wanted you would see a much bigger turn out.]

Lewis, I have been an avid subscriber for years now and 
just love yours newsletter.  I just want to say thank you. 
You are the first one out there talking about the oil 
issues.  Every one seems so afraid of these issues.  WTF? 
Thanks, Julie
[I am certainly not the first one...but if you are hearing 
it here for the first time you should do a little reading 
on your own. It's a scary topic when you realize how pre-
carious our situation really is!]

Lewis, I had a strange woman living in my bedroom. In fact, 
she never left the bedroom and could not have found the 
kitchen if her life depended on it. The $15,000 divorce was 
worth every penny. -Gene
[You get what you pay for, Gene.]

Lewis, I'm having trouble figuring out what trouble you're 
having with a pasty, especially confusing is why you think 
nipples would be involved?  It doesn't sound like you're 
completely unfamiliar with what a pasty is, but just to 
make sure: They're eaten as much as a snack food, here in 
the UK, as they are as part of a meal. Unless there's some-
thing bizarre about them in the USA, then I can't see what's 
so strange about it. -Adam 
[Haven't you ever used certain foods to 'spice' up sex? You 
know, like whipped cream, chocolate syrup, honey or pork 

------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do? 
Send comments and questions to: Email Lewis 
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