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Publication: Great Sexpectations
Most Important Thing in a Lover

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                 Monday, June 23, 2008
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A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:  

After reading your thousands of letters over the years, poll-   
ing friends and random strangers (what I won't do for my   
readers!), and mulling over my own experiences, I've deter-   
mined that the most important feature in a lover is that   
they want to satisfy you. I know this might sound overly   
simplistic, but believe me, not all people care about what   
makes their partner feel good. Some of you are nodding your   
head right now, knowing that those experiences make for   
the worst sexual situations. Let's discuss...


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Today's Topic: Most Important Thing in a Lover

Don't get me wrong - it's not all about me, me, me, and   
what your partner can do for you. It's about wanting to   
genuinely pleasure EACH OTHER. The experienced, thoughtful   
lover knows that it's about wanting your partner to feel   
good, be present in the moment, and relish every second   
together. If you love your partner, you will naturally want   
to please them and make sure they are having an enjoyable   
experience, right? Even more simplistically, if you go out   
of your way to think of the other person's feelings and needs,   
the good vibes (no pun intended!) will inevitably be   

Important note, though: This needs to truly be an altruistic   
act. Yes, you will benefit in the long-run, but you need to   
act selflessly here. Truly think about your partner's desires,   
what he/she really wants as opposed to what YOU think would   
be best or what YOU feel like doing that night. Again, I   
know some of this might sound simplistic, but there are many,   
many people out there who don't think past the end-goal of   
an orgasm. Take time with each other because before you know   
it, sex will become mundane, unimaginative, and even worse,   
one or both of you will feel like crud. I had one reader   
write to me that she felt like a receptacle for her husband.   
It was "thrust, thrust, thrust, and he was done. I felt like   
a garbage can for him to unload in," she wrote.   

If your partner wants to please you and consistently tries   
to ensure your sexual satisfaction, LET HIM/HER. I know that   
sounds odd, but again, I know my readers. There are many   
people out there who aren't comfortable receiving pleasure.   
Consider this a gift to yourself. You want your partner to   
feel good, so why shouldn't you? Accept his/her advances as   
a gift and appreciate the moment. I know some of you don't   
like to feel so vulnerable, are body conscious, don't want   
to give up control, or just might not know what to do in   
the situation, but sometimes you have to let go in order   
for a relationship to progress.   

I know I talk about this all the time, but another gift you   
can give each other is communication, specifically in the   
bedroom. This is not the time to be shy. If you aren't   
enjoying something or think a different angle, finger stroke,   
or tongue movement would be better, speak up! If you don't   
express yourself, you will only help perpetuate moves that   
don't work for you. And what's the point of that? You're   
with someone who genuinely wants to please you, so make the   
most of it! Acknowledge when an angle is especially good,   
if he/she is stroking the exact right spot, or if a nibble   
on the ear/neck/nipple really gets you going.   

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What do YOU think is the most important feature in a lover?   
I think it can't get any more basic than wanting to please   
each other, but are these all just rambling musings? Share   
your insight on our blog or email me! As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,   

Carmen Sutra   

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