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Are You Fulfilling Your Partner's Sexual Needs

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                 Monday, April 14, 2008
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A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:  

Over the course of writing this column for almost eight years
now(!), I noticed that there tends to be a pattern in your 
emails. Certain motifs reappear (oral sex, anal sex, cheating, 
etc.), so I try to cover these topics often. Today we will 
discuss sex and biology as it relates to cheating. Relation-
ships between men and women have evolved quite dramatically 
over the last 40 years or so, and things like communication, 
respect, and compromise are all revered as hallmarks of the 
new, successful relationship. As we often discuss, those are 
all indeed paramount to a union's success, but perhaps we 
should take a second look at basic biology, too.

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Today's Topic: Are You Fulfilling Your Partner's Sexual Needs?

Back to your letters. One of the things I read over and over
from you is a collective lamenting of how your sexual life
has changed over the years - your partner no longer performs
oral sex, the frequency has decreased dramatically, or you
feel rejected on a regular basis. These all can have a very,
very significant impact on one's relationship. What happens
when we start neglecting each other's needs? Well, unfort-
unately, those letters often are written about relationships
in the past tense and sometimes include mention of cheating.

I did some research on this because I want to help you 
through these relational changes. I listened to an audiotape
of the popular marriage and therapy workshop called "Hot
Monogamy" with Pat Love. Several key points stuck out to me, 
which I will relay today. Please know the following concepts 
are hers. This might sound basic, but sex is a biological 
need. We sometimes overlook this and expect our partners to 
accept us as-is, but we need to remember that it is a funda-
mental need for men AND women. The glitch sometimes is that 
two people in a relationship often have different LEVELS of 
sexual need (ie different levels of testosterone), so some 
compromise is required. In the introduction I indeed validated 
that compromise is a hallmark of a relationship's success.

Like I said, I so, so, so often hear from readers who are 
signifcantly impacted by their partner's rejection, that I 
want to discuss how we can bridge that hurt with the other 
partner's need to be more open. The workshop facilitator 
talked about what she calls an "unworkable contract." In this, 
one partner is generally more rejecting of the other's sexual 
needs, but the idea is that "I expect you to be monogamous 
but don't expect me to meet your sexual needs." Sounds contra-
dictory, right? It's truly profound in its simplicity. 

Let's back up a moment for clarity. I am not suggesting that
if you don't perform oral sex your partner then has the right
to seek sexual relations outside your union. I am all about
personal responsibility and strongly believe we all choose
and are responsible for our actions, including fidelity. That
being said, remember your vows to your partner or your 
initial implicit agreement or patterns when you started dat-
ing. Now ask yourself these questions - Is what your partner
asking of you normal for a healthy relationship? Is what 
your partner desires a reasonable request? If so, you really
need to consider how often and why your turn him or her down.
Because I'm here to tell you after reading your letters for
so long that constant rejection for insignificant reasons
will undoubtedly have a negative effect on the relationship.

Legitimate reasons for not participating are things like
coercion and illness. After those, you need to consider what
is a reasonable request. Things like kissing, oral sex, 
intimacy, rubbing, and frequent intercourse are all reasonable
requests for a healthy relationship. Again, frequency desire
can vary, so you need to work together to determine an ade-
quate compromise. The important thing to remember here is
hand, you might determine that UNreasonable requests include
threesomes, open marriages/swinging, candle and wax play,
S&M, whatever is uncomfortable for the two of you.

Beyond the unreasonable requests, though, again, you need to
be fulfilling each other's needs. The facilitator indicated
that if you truly cannot have sex on a given night, whenever
you say no, "give something." They say if you truly know you
cannot have intercourse or oral that night, consider giving
your partner a backrub, holding his/her hand for a while, 
or massaging their feet. Engage in an act that demonstrates
intimacy and openness to your partner. According to the 
workshop facilitator, our "partner's are hungry for your
innerworld," meaning, essentially, your intimacy in some way.
And there's nothing unreasonable about that. 


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I will leave you with an acronym that the facilitator shared:
when in doubt, "Play FAIR:" Flirt, Appreciate, be Intimate,
and take a Risk (turn toward your partner when in doubt). Take
a deep breath. I know I've given you a lot to think about. We
can revisit these concepts as needed. Send me your thoughts, 
and I will share some of them on Friday. Please just know 
that your partner wants to make love to YOU and you should
both be doing everything you possibly can to honor each other
and the relationship. So who's gonna get some tonight? :) 
As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,   

Carmen Sutra   

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