Publication: Great Sexpectations
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Monday, March 24, 2008
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<%BLOG|Do You O%>
A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:
I rarely print one letter and devote an entire column to it,
but the contents of today's letter affects many of my dear
readers. Many female readers routinely wonder why they don't
have orgasms during intercourse, and how their partners react
to the issue can help or dramatically hinder the outcome.
I will reiterate this below, but not all women experience
orgasms during intercourse! If you do not have an orgasm
from penetration, it doesn't automatically mean something is
"wrong" with you. But, um, as a side note, a partner's lack
of compassion doesn't help either. I'll let you read it all
for yourself...
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*
Today's Topic: Do You "O"?
Carmen,
Ok, I don't know if you answer questions only by printing
them in your newsletter or not, or if you answer by email
also, but I would rather not have this printed. I am 21 years
old, and have only had sex a total of 8 times, with 2 differ-
ent guys. My first boyfriend I lost my virginity to 11 months
ago, and he was in the army and was deployed so we only had
sex 3 times before he left. We have since broken up and I
met this wonderful guy about 5 months ago who is just perfect,
and we have had sex 5 times.
He has a problem though with the fact that I haven't orgasmed
yet, and it came to a head the other night when he just
stopped in the middle of it, got up and said "I'm going to
take a shower" leaving me stunned and feeling like I had done
something wrong. He apologized when he came back for acting
like that but then asked me if I enjoyed sex, which I do, I
just kind of figured because I'm not that experienced, I won't
feel all the sensations this quickly. Is that wrong?
He continued to over analyze the situation and put a lot of
focus on my lack of an orgasm, which is a bad thing, because
now I'm going to be self-conscious of it and afraid of a simi-
lar episode. I don't want to fake it. I wouldn't know how to
anyways. I don't want this to be as big of an issue as it has
become and I feel like he's expecting more than what I can
deliver right now considering his past partners have been
more experienced. He seems to think that I may not be
attracted to him or that I dislike sex, both of which he knows
aren't true. I'm just at a loss on how to handle it or explain
myself. I changed my mind, maybe you could print it, if you
want, hearing other peoples' experiences could be comforting.
Signed - "non-orgasming girl"
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Several thoughts immediately come to mind, but I'll address
your boyfriend's reactions first. Many men feel self-conscious
when their partner does not experience an orgasm and they
feel like they are doing something wrong. Then they lash out
at their beloveds and blame THEM out of their own insecurities.
But that's no excuse to make a partner feel bad for not having
an orgasm! After all, I'm sure the woman in the letter would
LIKE to have an orgasm. Unfortunately, like she said, though,
he handled it in a horrible manner because now she will feel
even more self-conscious. Patience, communication, and fore-
play are the main three ingredients to helping a partner
experience an orgasm, not pressure, withholding, and
accusations.
I want to reiterate for this reader and many others who are
experiencing a similar situation that not all women have
orgasms through intercourse. In fact, only one in three woman
climax during penetration. So please know there is absolutely
nothing "wrong" with you. You didn't mention masturbation. Do
you masturbate at all? Have you gotten to know your own body
and what turns you on? Part of enjoying sex is knowing your
own body and what it responds to and THEN being comfortable
communicating that to your partner.
Did I mention foreplay? I can't emphasize this enough. A man
BEGINS in the same aroused state that it takes a woman 15 MIN-
UTES TO ACHIEVE. Thus, we need to focus on more foreplay so the
woman's body can catch up. And after reading your letters for
seven years I know that two things especially get the juices
flowing: a good, old-fashioned makeout session and some
serious oral sex. Regarding the latter, don't kiss around the
vaginal area for three minutes and think you are done. Most
women need oral sex lovin' for at least ten minutes to get
revved up enough. And don't neglect the labia!
*
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*
Once you are more comfortable, certain positions will help
a woman orgasm as well. Any position that allows for deep
penetration and/or G-spot stimulation will help increase the
likelihood of this. And take the pressure off yourself,
people! Thinking "Am I going to have an orgasm? Am I going to
have an orgasm?" during the act will only take away from the
enjoyment. If you are the partner, have patience and provide
what the other needs. You're in this together (hehehe - no
pun intended!) :) As always, I remain...
Devotedly yours,
Carmen Sutra
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