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Do You O

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                 Monday, March 24, 2008
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A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:  

I rarely print one letter and devote an entire column to it,   
but the contents of today's letter affects many of my dear   
readers. Many female readers routinely wonder why they don't   
have orgasms during intercourse, and how their partners react   
to the issue can help or dramatically hinder the outcome.   
I will reiterate this below, but not all women experience   
orgasms during intercourse! If you do not have an orgasm   
from penetration, it doesn't automatically mean something is   
"wrong" with you. But, um, as a side note, a partner's lack   
of compassion doesn't help either. I'll let you read it all   
for yourself...

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Today's Topic: Do You "O"?


Ok, I don't know if you answer questions only by printing   
them in your newsletter or not, or if you answer by email 
also, but I would rather not have this printed. I am 21 years 
old, and have only had sex a total of 8 times, with 2 differ-
ent guys. My first boyfriend I lost my virginity to 11 months 
ago, and he was in the army and was deployed so we only had 
sex 3 times before he left. We have since broken up and I 
met this wonderful guy about 5 months ago who is just perfect, 
and we have had sex 5 times.   

He has a problem though with the fact that I haven't orgasmed   
yet, and it came to a head the other night when he just   
stopped in the middle of it, got up and said "I'm going to   
take a shower" leaving me stunned and feeling like I had done   
something wrong. He apologized when he came back for acting   
like that but then asked me if I enjoyed sex, which I do, I   
just kind of figured because I'm not that experienced, I won't   
feel all the sensations this quickly. Is that wrong?   

He continued to over analyze the situation and put a lot of   
focus on my lack of an orgasm, which is a bad thing, because   
now I'm going to be self-conscious of it and afraid of a simi-   
lar episode. I don't want to fake it. I wouldn't know how to   
anyways. I don't want this to be as big of an issue as it has   
become and I feel like he's expecting more than what I can   
deliver right now considering his past partners have been   
more experienced. He seems to think that I may not be   
attracted to him or that I dislike sex, both of which he knows   
aren't true. I'm just at a loss on how to handle it or explain   
myself. I changed my mind, maybe you could print it, if you   
want, hearing other peoples' experiences could be comforting.   
Signed - "non-orgasming girl"   


Several thoughts immediately come to mind, but I'll address   
your boyfriend's reactions first. Many men feel self-conscious   
when their partner does not experience an orgasm and they   
feel like they are doing something wrong. Then they lash out   
at their beloveds and blame THEM out of their own insecurities.   
But that's no excuse to make a partner feel bad for not having   
an orgasm! After all, I'm sure the woman in the letter would   
LIKE to have an orgasm. Unfortunately, like she said, though,   
he handled it in a horrible manner because now she will feel   
even more self-conscious. Patience, communication, and fore-   
play are the main three ingredients to helping a partner   
experience an orgasm, not pressure, withholding, and   

I want to reiterate for this reader and many others who are   
experiencing a similar situation that not all women have   
orgasms through intercourse. In fact, only one in three woman   
climax during penetration. So please know there is absolutely   
nothing "wrong" with you. You didn't mention masturbation. Do   
you masturbate at all? Have you gotten to know your own body   
and what turns you on? Part of enjoying sex is knowing your   
own body and what it responds to and THEN being comfortable   
communicating that to your partner.   

Did I mention foreplay? I can't emphasize this enough. A man   
BEGINS in the same aroused state that it takes a woman 15 MIN-   
UTES TO ACHIEVE. Thus, we need to focus on more foreplay so the   
woman's body can catch up. And after reading your letters for   
seven years I know that two things especially get the juices   
flowing: a good, old-fashioned makeout session and some   
serious oral sex. Regarding the latter, don't kiss around the   
vaginal area for three minutes and think you are done. Most   
women need oral sex lovin' for at least ten minutes to get   
revved up enough. And don't neglect the labia!  

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Once you are more comfortable, certain positions will help   
a woman orgasm as well. Any position that allows for deep   
penetration and/or G-spot stimulation will help increase the   
likelihood of this. And take the pressure off yourself,   
people! Thinking "Am I going to have an orgasm? Am I going to   
have an orgasm?" during the act will only take away from the   
enjoyment. If you are the partner, have patience and provide   
what the other needs. You're in this together (hehehe - no   
pun intended!) :) As always, I remain...   

Devotedly yours,   

Carmen Sutra   

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