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Something for Yourself

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                 Wednesday, February 27, 2008
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<%BLOG|Something for Yourself%>

A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:  

My grandparents had been married for 41 years before my 
grandpa died 16 years ago. She and I remain very close and
I consider her a source of wisdom and support. The other
night we were catching up over the phone and she casually
relayed the simplest, yet most profound nugget of relation-
ship happiness: you have to have something for yourself.

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Today's Topic: Something for Yourself

I was telling my grandmother how busy I have been lately with
various projects and work and how my partner has been equally
as busy, with one significant career milestone after another.
To which she said, "That's good, you both need something for
yourself." Again, this might sound simplistic, but the more
I thought about it, the more integral I feel it is to a 
relationship's success. Hear me out.

We all need to have pride in and draw self-esteem from some-
thing completed unrelated to our relationships. This serves
many purposes. I say time and again that we have to be happy
with ourselves (accomplishments, character, effort, etc.)
before we can really be any good in a relationship. We need
to constantly work on ourselves to create a richer life, 
which then extends to our relationships. "Work on" could 
mean anything from consistent exercise, engaging in a hobby,
cultivating a career, etc., whatever you want it to be, but
as long as it is "something for yourself." 

This might sound odd, but you have to separate from your 
partner a little to draw each other near again. When you 
have outside experiences it gives you more to talk about and
share with your partner. As I mentioned, my significant other
and I are very busy right now with ongoing, considerable pro-
jects. At then end of the day, we can rehash everything 
together and draw support from one another, feel heard, and 
feel even better about the experiences. Having "something 
for yourself" allows you to create a bigger bond with your
partner. In turn, this creates a deeper friendship.

I don't prattle on without reason. I have done extensive 
reading on relationship success, and if you don't have a 
deep, meaningful friendship with your partner, you really 
don't have a strong foundation. And if you don't have a strong
foundation...You get the picture. Before we move on to the
next point, I can't reiterate enough how important it is to
have and display respect for our partners on a regular basis
and how much the friendship needs to be your emotional bank
account. So make sure you pay into it. [For more on these
concepts, read anything by John Gottman.]

And now I will take it to a place my grandmother clearly did
not intend: masturbation. My Great SEXers are never far from
my mind, so I took her lesson to a whole new level. You have
to have sexual time for yourself, too. How else will you know
what pleases you? You might think this sounds "duh" or stupid,
but there are SO many women who do not touch themselves for
a variety of reasons. 



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I know, some of you are saying, "Carmen you don't exactly have 
to tell me to masturbate," but for some I really do. After
all, it's YOUR body! You deserve time by yourself for your 
own sexual release. This is your opportunity to think about 
whatever you want or nothing at all. This is just my public 
service announcement to all my female readers who are not 
currently enjoying alone time. Okay, I am sure my grandma
did not intend for me to read THAT into her message :) but
alas, I AM Carmen Sutra. Now go enjoy "something for your-
self!" As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,   

Carmen Sutra   

*********************WEEKLY VIDEO CLIP**********************


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