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Publication: Great Sexpectations
Fighting Part I

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                 Monday, February 11, 2008
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<%BLOG|Fighting Part I%>

A very warm welcome from Carmen Sutra:  

I debated back and forth about today's issue. After extensive
research on family therapy, I have learned that the WAY a 
couple fights can predict their long-term relationship succ-
ess. Occasional fighting and arguing is natural, but it's
the WAY a couple communicates during these times that will
determine the relationship outcome. Thus, today is Part I
of a two-parter on fighting. I included a letter from a male
reader who describes an ongoing struggle in his marriage.

As you know, I am often pressed for space in our articles, but
I included this letter in its entirety. I did this because
it illustrates several fighting dynamics, and I know that
many of you will be able to relate. This is our agenda: read
the letter and think about how you would advise this reader.
Consider how you have handled a similar situation. Then share
your answers with me. I will share my own feedback, including
referral sources, as well, in Part II.

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Today's Topic: Fighting Part I

Carmen,

Every month right before my wife is about to begin her cycle 
we end up having the same argument. Basically she gets all 
upset and accuses me of only caring about myself because I 
don’t come to bed the same time as her. Everyday I do many 
things to show her I love her. Every morning before she 
leaves for work I compliment her on what she is wearing or 
her hair, or whatever special thing she does that day to look 
nice for work.  

ALMOST every day I straighten up the house when I get home 
(when she gets home before me she usually does it). During 
the evenings we do stuff around the house and then after a 
while we will sit down to relax and watch some TV. Once we 
are in our relaxed state, I pretty much do everything. If 
she is hungry or thirsty I will get up and get her something.  
If the dog needs to go outside or needs food or water, I get 
up and do it. If someone rings the doorbell, I get up and 
see who it is (which is more than you think because we watch 
TV in the basement, so I have to go upstairs to answer the 
door). I think you get the idea.  

Usually once or twice every couple weeks I will come to bed 
with her whenever she goes to bed. This is usually somewhere 
between 9pm and 10pm. The problem is that I am a night owl.  
I could easily stay up until 2am every night and be perfectly 
fine the next day. She doesn’t like that I stay up though so 
generally I come to bed between 11 and 1130pm. My question 
is how do I point out to her all the little things that I do 
for her on a daily basis when she starts freaking out and 
telling me that I only care about myself.  

I don’t want to come off as if I am keeping score, because 
even though I wrote it out to you, it is not something that 
I “keep score of”, I just do it because I love her. Every 
month I know when she is about to start her cycle because 
the fight happens a few days before. Do you have any advice 
on how I can either avoid the fight all together, or how I 
can remind her of everything I do to show her I love her 
without sounding like an ass? Thanks Carmen.

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Thank you to the above reader for sharing this situation. 
There are many dynamics going on in this perpetual struggle.
Readers, I know you all can relate either to his specifics
or some of the general power struggles. These are my questions
to you: How have you handled something like this? What advice
would you give this reader? What have you learned from prior
fighting? Share your insight, and I will include some of your
comments on Friday. I will publish Part II next week with my
own synopsis. Thank you for your input! Any comments you make
will help at least one other reader out there. As always, I 
remain...

Devotedly yours,   

Carmen Sutra   


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