Publication: Classic Laffaday
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Classic Laff-a-Day - July 30, 2008
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
"Hey, Lewis," I shouted across the office as I looked at a map
of the Canadian Rockies, "You ever been to Canada?"
"Of course," he called back.
"Great. What did you do there? Fish? Ski? Hunt?"
"No," he said. "I changed planes at the international airport."
Magilla was nearby. He looked at Lewis sideways and said, "Are
you a total fucking idiot? 'Of course' you say? 'Of course
you've been to Canada' doesn't include 15 minutes between
planes, okay, dumb shit? 'Being in Canada' means that you
actually picked it as a destination and spent time doing what
the fucking locals do there, you see? For the first time ever TZ
was right, hunting, fishing and skiing are legitimate passtimes
in Canada. So is screwing fat chicks. Tell me Lewis, did you
screw any fat Canadians in the airport?"
"Umm, no sir. But if you give me a little while I'll call
Senator Larry Craig and see if that was on his list of hot
spots."
"You're not funny."
"Yeah," I jumped in, "you're not funny."
Magilla said, "Shut up, TZ. Normally you're the fucking idiot of
the group."
Visitingly,
TZ
mailto:tz@laffaday.com
Send me your comments and jokes:
Submit a Comment
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A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had
taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were
reflecting over the past 50 years.
She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could
desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor
and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years.
The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too
death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you
need do is ask."
"Well, the husband says, there is one thing."
"What is that," says the wife?
"A blow job," says the husband.
The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given
you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me
after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely
you would respect me now, so ok."
So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds
to give him a blow job. Just as she finishes and wipes her
chin, the phone rings.
The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a
moment. Here, cocksucker, it's for you."
[I know it’s old, but I love this joke.]
"I never laugh until I've had my coffee."
---Clark Gable
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---Homer Simpson
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Feudalism
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them
and sells you the milk.
Communism
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the
milk.
Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron
You have two cows.
You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from
your bank, then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest
financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap
goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three
cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows
back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this
transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor
and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that
announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin
trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web). I am
sure you now fully understand what happen.
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