Publication: Up Yours!
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UP YOURS! - Saturday, September 30, 2006
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Dear Narcoleptics,
Were any of you pinheads sober enough to read the news lately?
If you were you will have noticed that the U.S. national debt
has now exceeded seven trillion dollars.
Since most of you have trouble counting higher than ten with-
out taking your shoes off, let me put that in numbers even
you can understand.
Let's say an average person graduates from college at 21 years
old. He or she works from then until retirement at 65. That
gives the average person 44 years of income. Let's further say
that a person will make an average of $50,000 per year. You
will probably start out making much less, but when you retire
you will probably be making significantly more. So, as an
average, we'll say that over 44 years you'll make $50,000 per
year.
Using these numbers you will, in your working life, earn a
gross total of $2,200,000 (two million, two hundred thousand
dollars). If you donated every cent of your income, before
taxes, to paying off the national debt, it would take you
three million, one hundred and eighty-two thousand years to
do it.
Better get started.
"But hang on a minute, you well-hung sexual magician reeking
of machismo," you say, "the last time the United States had
a balanced budget was in 1965. What the hell difference does
it make to me, the average retard, if the national debt is
seven trillion dollars?"
What difference indeed. Did you know that last year the U.S.
Government spent $318 billion on interest payments on the
National Debt. Not on principle, mind you, on interest. That's
nearly 17 percent of the entire budget.
What happens when 20 percent of the budget goes toward interest
payments? What about 25? What about 30 percent? I'll tell you
what's going to happen. Socialism.
The government is going to become a bloated, corrupt empire,
gorging itself on the dwindling produce of the brain-washed
citizenry under it and belching forth bureaucracy in a per-
petuating cycle of fiscal cannibalism.
Private enterprise will become an almost forgotten fantasy
as capitalism surrenders to sky-rocketing inflation and
unemployment. Luxury items will become scarcer and scarcer
(except for those privileged few in the Politburo) and the
quality of basic necessities and services will deteriorate
until it will take you six months just to buy, for $50, a
bottle of aspirin that was made in Canada!
Not that you'll get to take any of them. Because on the way
home from the pharmacist you'll most likely be mugged by the
roaming gangs of criminals driven to desperation by the
rampant unemployment. Then you can buy back a couple of your
aspirin the next day on the black market for ten bucks a pop.
But don't worry about it. Read your dick jokes, drink your
Old Milwaukee, masturbate to your online porn and let the
television pacify you into believing that the cuntry is
moving onward and upward.
Dumbasses.
I need a drink,
Chadwick
P.S. If you're interested we now have a Forum. You can post
comments on this and recent issues at... Up Yours! Forum
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><><><><><> CHADWICK'S FAVORITE HISTORICAL INSULTS <><><><><>
"Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference
between having an open mind and having holes in one's head?"
--Richard Schultz
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the govern-
ment won't let me try it." --Bob Thaves
"The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal
government but doesn't have to take the civil service exam."
--Ronald Reagan
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER'S COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Oh sweet Chadwick... you can have my muskily scented pretty
silky panties anytime you want, free of charge. Lots of love
*kiss* --Kaleigh
[Well, my gag reflex is still working, thanks for testing
that out for me.]
Naked Jumping Jacks: This is more like it, Chadwick. I felt
my second infanthood coming on and needed to suck tit. C'mon
braggin' readerettes: show us ya stuff like this babe!
--Steve
[You're stirring a hornet's nest there, needle-dick. Lord
knows what kind of buffalo would send their naked pics to
you.]
You are so funny and I enjoy reading your e-mail every time.
You are a real man. By the way, I'm 47 years old, a 34B and
very firm. Great nipples too or so I'm told. Keep it up
(the column, silly). Take care, Cheryl.
[47, huh? I've got nothing against senior citizens. If you
ever need a cum chaser for your Metamucil drop me a line.]
I'm gonna kick your ass you little fucker. --Tikki
[Temper, temper, meat-holster. I don't necessarily mind the
rough stuff, but give me an opportunity to get drunk a bit
first so I can stomach the smell of your cunt.]
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Is that the dim spark of an idea in your brain? Don't let it
go to waste! Send it to: Email Chadwick
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End of UP YOURS!
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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